Countdown to Caelan Begins

I will be an aunt again no later than Thursday. My brother called and the doctor says he will induce my sister in law on Thursday, which I think means Caelan will be here Wednesday. Haley decided to appear the day before her induction date, so we shall see.

So, this douche bag in Maryland rode a subway train to Washington D.C. before realizing he had forgotten his 7 month old daughter in the car. He had a "memory flash" in Washington and got on a train back to Maryland. By the time douchie got back to his car concerned citizens had already alerted authorities to the situation, and baby was then safe with mommy (who I'm sure was ready to stab daddy..with a 3 inch paring knife). The man was supposedly "terrified and embarrassed". I'd be terrified too, because I'm sure mommy is like a mother bear and ready to eat this guy. He's being charged with leaving a child under 8 unattended, could face a hefty fine of $500 and 30 days in jail. The defense is lame, and is that dad isn't normally in charge of the baby's childcare arrangements. Well, I can see why! Maybe I'm just different, but when I have something new going on I typically remember it, because I make the extra effort to remember. I forget mundane things, like putting on my watch. Do I think dad meant baby harm? No. Do I think Dad should be more observant? Yes. Would I beat Aaron with a herring if he left my kid in a car? Yes, after I finished beating him with an ironing board..because that's what Martha Stewart would do, and then knit a shawl.

A new study shoes that it's becoming increasingly difficult to find "new blood" in the clergy. By new blood, they mean church leaders under 35 years old. The study shows:

<5% United Methodist Clergy
4% Episcopal clergy
5% Evangelical Lutheran clergy
7% Presbyterians clergy
3% Catholic clergy
12.7% Church of Nazarene clergy

It says nothing about Baptists here, and I'm not sure if they mean actual head of churches or if associate pastors/priests count. However, I'm just going to go by my own churches staff. There have always been associate pastors under 35 in my lifetime, usually they are the youth leaders. However, one must be voted in to the position of head pastor in our church, and there's a ton of old people there, so if you're young..good luck with that.

I think the reason Baptists have an easier time than Catholics getting young priests is that Baptist's encourage marriage and horniness. No joke. Aaron and I had to sit through marriage counseling with an associate pastor (who's under 35) who told us he has sex with his wife 6+ times a week. He is not an attractive man, and his wife looks like an elf. The mental image has been scarring me ever since. On the flip side, Catholics don't encourage marriage or sex for their clergy, and I can't think of any guy under 35 who's swearing off sex. Asking horny guys to give up sex? Forgive me Father, but I'm not stupid. And I keep thinking of this crazy girl from PT school, who had like 7 brothers and sisters..and she was a total crack head alcoholic. She announces one day in class that her mom used to be a nun and her dad was training to be a priest..then they met each other and gave up celibacy.

March is "Women's History Month!". Is this really necessary? Do we need minority history months? I'm moving to Canada when we start having Mexican history month, Cinco De Mayo is bad enough. Let me break down women's history for you: Eve fashioned from Adam's rib, Eve talks to snakes, Eve eats fruit from Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, Eve gets us all cursed (in turn I curse her every 28 days), women submit for thousands of years until Susan B. Anthony throws a fit so we can vote (and gets herself on a silver dollar), Amelia Earhart flies a plane into oblivion, thousands of women burn bras (and now have tits around their waist), Britney Spears & Paris Hilton set the entire gender back by centuries just by being their stupid selves…….and THAT'S women's history.

Apparently poor hospital patients in LA are being dropped off in sketchy areas of town. Literally, they are being dropped off still wearing hospital gowns. There's video on WLWT.COM to prove it. A taxi cab was video-taped dropping a woman off in front of a city mission. The woman couldn't remember anything that was going on. I think this practice is mildly funny, although I am pretty sure it breaks the Hippocratic Oath.

Cincinnati is going CRAZY!

It's been a CRAZY week in Cincinnati. Big week for dead people as well. A car, complete with dead body (yes, like an accessory. Barbie's Ferrari didn't come with Barbie…) was found in the river. THEN a dead man's remains were found in some woods in Kentucky. This man may have been there for several years. Hmm, the least someone could have done was put him in a room with the air conditioner on, you know..preserve the body a little bit. That would be a new and original idea.

Then..SHOOTINGS!! IN CINCINNATI!! IT'S NEWS!!! First, my favorite: A robber shot a man in the hand on Vine St. in Corryville for approximately $50. First, why would you wander around Corryville with $50 for someone to steal. Second, who in Corryville HAS $50 for someone to steal? Another man was shot in his home in Evanston, and is now paralyzed. I'm truly amazed, I mean..who knew people got shot for stupid reasons in Corryville on Vine St. of all safe places. As for someone being shot in Evanston, well THAT is new. The real news here should be that 2 people were shot but amazingly no one died, merely maimed and paralyzed.

A woman is being accused of stabbing her daughter in the back..literally. No joke, stabbed her own kid in the back with a 3-inch paring knife. Apparently they were fighting over a cell phone, and some chicken wings..and a watermelon rind. Ok, I might've made up part of that..but the cell phone part was true. Cell phones must be the new Starter jackets. Remember back in the early 90's when you could get killed in the ghetto for a San Jose Sharks starter jacket and a pair of Reebok Pumps?

What's the deal with West Chester going nuts? Word (not WERD) is out that I am moving back, so the florist up the street from my parent's house was robbed Friday. The flower shop was robbed by a man wearing a black headband and a blue button down shirt. Nothing says "I'm a total yuppie meth-head" like robbing a florist wearing a blue button down shirt. I hope he didn't get anything on the Dockers he was probably wearing. I need to know more about this headband as well. I mean, was it like a plastic headband that you buy for your 4 year old little girl, or was it like an ear warmer? I'm going for the plastic headband, it fits the meth-head persona a little better.

Best headline ever, and it comes out of Cincinnati. "Gun-Toting Robber Gets Cigarettes, Cookies". It comes really close to beating "Timberland Wearing Robber Gets $1 and a Bowling Ball". Apparently the UDF on..surprise surprise Vine Street was robbed. The man walked out with 1 pack of cigarettes and two cookies. I am SINCERELY hoping this is the same guy who robbed my house. Because this would really top things off for me when I wore his coat to court, even if it was in July.

Aaron & I were just watching the local news and someone was shot in the neck about 2 miles from our house. Aaron's response "and people wonder why I'm in a hurry to move outta here..."

Professional Athletes Irritate Me...

It's getting to be baseball season, so it's time for some good baseball news dontcha think? And by good baseball news I mean Red's catcher Jason LaRue (who is so spectacular he gets boo-ed everytime I'm at a game) is getting paid millions to sit around for the next two weeks. Which means he gets paid millions to miss opening day. Wait, should I capitalize that, since it's like a holiday here? Opening Day! See, I exclaimed it a holiday & festive. Our friend Jason is having knee surgery to repair torn cartilage. Allow me to elaborate, in case you aren't getting the full effect yet. Jason gets paid MILLIONS because he can catch a ball and can squat for hours on end. His job to is crouch down and catch balls….how hard is that? And he gets paid MILLIONS. It's not as if any boob couldn't do this job, and the average boob would shut the heck up about their knee and just do their job. It's not like he's a power hitter..he's the catcher. They are one step above pitchers in the power hitting ranks. He gets paid millions to catch a ball…oh wait, for the next 2 weeks he's getting paid millions to eat ice cream and cry. Here's a sample of it would be like if I owned the Reds:

Jason LaRue: WAAA! My knee hurts
Me: Shut up, so does mine. Man up and get back to work

Professional athletes are the whiniest people in the nation, except that lady who squats on Bush's ranch. Hey wait, she's good at squatting and she's a boob, maybe the Red's should sign her....

George W. is coming to town to celebrate my anniversary. You see, G.W. and I, we are great friends. Actually, I'm just a big fat liar. He's throwing out the first pitch for Opening Day, which happens to be on my 2 year anniversary (Aaron I like nice things..). However, G.W. will NOT be throwing out the opening pitch to Jason LaRue. Since that would interrupt the ice cream time. However, I'd pay BIG money to see George throw the first pitch to a squatting Cindy Sheehan

Bones to Pick

So, I have a new bone to pick, this time it's with "homeless" people. I'm not talking about the trolls who live in lawn chairs under the bridges along I-75, I'm referring to the people who stand on corners, in front of stadiums, and off interstate exits with signs saying things like "HOMELESS anything will help, God Bless" with peace signs and crosses drawn on them with black crayon. Or my favorite signs "HOMELESS. War Veteran. God Bless" . If this is true, every war veteran since World War 2 is sitting around Cincinnati, being homeless and troll-like.

Ok, if you are clean and wearing new shoes I'm not likely to believe that you're homeless. I'm not even likely to believe that you're really that poor. Obviously you could afford shoes and to pay your water bill. Humor me, roll around in the dirt, don't comb your hair, don't stand there with a sign in one hand and food in the other!

There is this lady who stands off the Montana Avenue exit on 74, her sign is written on the other side of a Marlboro sign. 90% of the time when I pass her she's got a big gulp on the ground next to her. You are "homeless" and "hungry"..was 64 ounces of cola necessary? 75% of the time she's smoking. This is worse than homeless people who use your hard earned money for alcohol. If you are so poor and destitute you can't afford a pot to pee on don't expect me to give you money so you can blow smoke in my face. Last week she was hanging out with some guy laughing and carryong on in a convenient store parking lot. Homeless people don't have friends who wear nice clothes and smoke with them. If she WAS homeless, I could see why. She blows all of her money on stupid stuff. My idea of homeless, anything will help isn't "homeless, marlboro's & big gulps = life". I really despise this lady, especially when she rides around on a little pink bike like a circus clown. SHE'S NOT HOMELESS!!

I remember being like 9 or 10 and there was this place called "Phamor" over by Forest Fair. It has long since been out of business but my mom and I used to go there every Saturday. There was this lady with her son who used to stand by the entrance/exit of the parking lot with a sign that said "Jobless, being evicted by husband, need money." This lady was wearing a brand new coat. Then the next week her kid was wearing brand new Nike's. Need money nothing! One week, she left her son at home..but she carried a brand new purse. My favorite was the week she stayed hom and sent her mom out with the kid. So here's this shriveled up old lady with a 10 year old kid standing on a corner begging for moeny. The grandma had a sign like "daughter homeless, needs money" and I'm like "if you're so concerned, why don't you take her in grandma?" Because they aren't homeless, they are just lady. This lady would even stand outside in her coat, fake shivering in 70 degree weather in an attempt to look more pathetic. Um, you're pretending to be homeless...can you get any more pathetic? Mom and I would always point and laugh as we drove by...in our warm car. I felt sorry for that kid, not because I ever believed he was homeless but because how messed up would you be if your mom made you spend your Saturday afternoons pretending to be homeless? "No Billy, I can't come over and watch cartoons today, I have to be homeless..mom says so." Seriously, I bet this kid has been through so much therapy....or Jack Daniels.....

Finally, there's that guy who sits outside the stadium, with his dog. Neither the dog, nor this guy look malnourished. Plus, the dog has tags. To what address do you register your dog when you're homeless? I would LOVE to know. The last time I saw this guy he and his dog were eating Skyline. He put his coney down long enough to wave his lame "I'm homeless & hungry. I love my dog" sign in my face...while I kicked dirt on his coney because he was lying & not homeless. Besides..if he's so hungry, maybe he should save his money and eat the dog.

So, my friends, here's my opinion of the fake homeless: You're more pathetic than the REAL homeless. I mean, it's one thing to be homeless by choice, it's totally more ridiculous to pretend to be homeless by choice. Here's a thought: GET A JOB! (that's for real and fake homeless people.) McDonald's doesn't require a high school diploma, heck! they don't even require a pulse. Just fill out an application and don't urinate in the fries, it's that easy. Better yet, get a job brushing the teeth of quadriplegics. If monkeys can stop throwing feces long enough to fetch a toothbrush, so can you.

I'm pathetic, I'm lame, I'm poor, but I have some pride and I will NOT stand around with a cardboard sign and my license to panhandle begging for a big gulp and a 79 cent taco from Taco Bell. Hmm, there's an idea, send all of our homeless people running for the boarder. Mexico sends us all their "finest", maybe it's time we return to favor.

It's a Hullabaloo!

DOUCHE BAG OF THE WEEK! I know you all sit and wait for this award. I'm glad to hear that stupidity exists elsewhere besides Cincinnati. In case you all couldn't tell yet, I"m not really a fan of child molesters or rapists, as if that needs to be said. Like child molesters have fans...but anyways. So a judge in Columbus (or C-Bus if you guys like that) allowed a plea deal that let a 46 year old man who was being charged with 20 counts of rape to only be convicted on 2 counts of sexual battery. This guy won't even go to jail! He just has to be labeled as a sexual predator, be on house arrest, be on probation, and do some sort of "don't rape people" treatment.

Basically, this repeat offending jerk off rapist gets off pretty much scott-free. Does anyone really believe house arrest is going to be affective? Like he really cares about this treatment? He's sitting around laughing like "yeah..treatment..piss off judicial system." Probation?? Probation from WHAT, raping children? And how much does the state REALLY follow sexual predators? I mean, it's on the news weekly about a sexual predator living too close to a school or daycare, and it's usually the residents alerting the media to the problem. Best part of the story, this sicko is moving to Hamilton County. File this under, "Why I'm Moving: Vol. 2"!! The judge's statement is that the rapist would've gotten 100 years in prison if he had been convicted of the charges and not pled out. 100 years in prison vs. no jail time. Yeah, it seems fair to me too. Who allows a plea bargin like this to happen? Douche bag of the week, that's who. Hamilton County prosectutor has some uplifting advice for parents regarding this situation: "If you live on McMicken in Clifton, I'd be watching your kids closely. He is going to re-offend." That's fantastic, how about CPD and Hamilton County do something to prevent that? I have a question, If you live on McMicken in Clifton, why??

On to other things. In an interesting turn of Oscar events, the author of Brokeback Mountain (the book) has gotten rather bitter and started referring to "Crash" as "Trash". Wow, what a clever use of words there. Now, I'm sure we all know how I feel about Crash, however the irony here is not lost on me. This person writes a book about gay cowboys and sits around calling anything else trash. Yeah, whatever lady. I'm using your book as toilet paper this week because I find that to be it's best ust, therefore I am denying you the right to brush your shoulders off.

This news is fantastic! A man in California drives a garbage truck right? Weel, he drove it right into his own car. Now he is suing the city for damages to his car, since he was working for the city at the time he carelessly wrecked into his own car. Essentially, he is suing himself. Now, hopefully the court won't waste time and money and this case will be thrown out. However, I think this guy falls into a close second for douche bag of the week. Only in California..

Michael Douglas became a new favorite of mine earlier this week when he was in an apparently irritable mood and decided to sit and celebrity bash during an interview. Some Michael quotes I know we'll all heart:

"I just don't know about Brad Pitt leaving that beautiful woman to go hold orphans for Angelina Jolie. I mean, how long is that going to last?"

"Don't ask me what happened with Renee Zellweger and her ex-husband Kenny Chesney. I don't know how you can be married for four months."

"And what about Julia and Lyle. There must be some incredible things you find out one night."

I love that he takes time to rant about Julia and Lyle, even though they've been done for about a decade. I love when celebs turn into haters...

Can I Get a Monkey to Potty Train My Baby??

Yes THAT'S my new question. The other morning I was up way to early and was watching the early morning news. You know those local news shows in the mornings, all they show is the overnight murders and a whole lot of irrelevant news. So anyways, they are talking about this upcoming news story and I'm thinking "this is going to be the most awesome and disgusting thing I've ever seen!" The story was "Potty Training Your 5 Week Old." I thought to myself "I heard they do this with China babies, this I've got to see." Yes, there was actually a 9 week old baby that sat on a little baby potty and peed on the morning news. The mom is all hippie like "you need to know the signs that a baby needs to go, like holding their breath or crying." There are even books about learning good technique. Then she pulls out what looks like a plastic blue sand pail that you took to the beach when you were little and puts this baby on it, then she starts talking in her soothing, mommy voice about the weather or something and the next thing you hear is pee hitting the bucket. It was disgusting and fascinating and creepy all at the same time. It was a great way to start my day.

Then they show an even better story which made me think, "I had that idea like 2 years ago." ASSISTANCE MONKEYS! Seriously, they have these monkeys that help disabled people take care of themselves. These monkeys open doors, get you food, help you get dressed, change the channel on the TV, and even brush your teeth. I need a monkey that dresses me and brushes my teeth, it would give me another 15 minutes of sleeping time in the morning. This monkey is trained to not throw feces at you or smoke your cigarettes, which is good because if you required a monkey to hold your cigarette and he taunted you by lighting it for himself..and then throwing feces at you, you probably wouldn't be very happy. I'll admit, I'm a little jealous of quadriplegics right now. I mean, who needs to walk or use their arms when you have a fetching monkey that will brush your teeth? For St. Patrick's day, I was just green with envy....

St. Patrick's what?!

St. Patrick?? My brother is no saint....but his daughter is...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY HALEY!

Let's recap some life of Haley...

Here's Haley straight from the womb, I think the reason babies cry is because it's like someone has suddenly turned on the lights in their world. Think about how much it sucks to turn on the lights in the morning after only 8 hours in the dark....I'm sure it's worse after 9 months.


Haley's First Birthday! She's eating like a pound of cake in this picture, however all she really ate was the icing. Then she lost interest, she didn't even rub it in her hair.


Haley's Second Birthday! This was before Aaron became the human slide, before Haley was pushed off the human slide by her cousin, and this is before anyone cried.


Haley's Third Birthday! Things got sophisticated here, and Haley had a Snow White Party, as you can see complete with costume.

This year, as Haley is turning 4 she is also days away from becoming a big sister. She is very excited and I promise that there are pictures to follow in the next few months of both Haley's 4th year and Baby Caelan. Enjoy my braggy self-indulgent posting.

Turn Signal? What's That?!

Aaron blogged about this and I’m going to sound off as well. 57% of American drivers don’t use their turn signals when changing lanes, and I LOVE the excuses they use:

42% claim they don’t have time. Don’t have time?! What the funk is going on that you don’t have time to bump a switch? This is not a task that requires time. It’s not as if you have to actually stop the car to use the signal. I’m calling BULL on this excuse.

23% are too lazy. Congratulations! At least you’re honest, but you are also the laziest people in America. Not only is this a task that doesn’t require any time, it also doesn’t require any effort. Your hand is RIGHT NEXT TO IT!!!! Come on, humor me..just bump it with your hand, even if it’s on accident. It would actually require more effort for me to punch you all in the face than it would for you to use the signal.

17% are claiming they forget to turn it off…WTF?! You don’t have to actually push it down all the way, just a little bit. Then it doesn’t stay on. You people are idiots. You deserve to be punched more than the last group of lazies.

12% just change lanes to frequently to bother with the hassle of the signal. This is the same 12% that weaves in and out of traffic at 95 m.p.h. and I yell that I hope to see them a few miles ahead planted into the middle divider on the highway. Seriously, change lanes too frequently?! Unbelievable! These are the people who are in a big hurry to get nowhere..except dead.

11% don’t find it important. Yeah, it’s not that important until you change lanes into that F-150 with your Ford Focus because neither of you find the turn signal an important part of lane changing. Was getting into the middle lane quicker really worth your life? Because p.s. F-150 trumps Focus…think about it

8% blame others, because you see..other’s aren’t using it either. I can only hope all the other’s drive off a bridge and that this 8% follows their lead. These human lemmings are the same people that have no personalities because they've spent their entire lives following other people around..so lame

7% say it adds excitement. HUH? Excitement? How lame is your life that living on the edge = not using the turn signal? How is driving anymore exciting by not using the turn signal? I’ll give you excitement..it looks like road rage and my middle finger.

My favorite part of this whole story is that no one use my dad’s excuse for not using the turn signal. Considering Polio Man taught me how to drive, it’s amazing that I use my turn signals (at least 90% of the time). Dad’s excuse “when you use the signal, the guy behind you or in front of you sees that you are changing lane and just to be a jerk cuts you off.” I’ve called bull on this excuse as well, and I’m glad to see that my dad is the only person who thinks this way. Ahh, embrace the Wayne-isms (or conspiracy theories, however you refer to them).

Bowling

So, bowling is the new pink. No Joke. So, we go bowling every sunday, because it's cheap fun.....and better than hookers, with slightly less chance of picking up a disease. So anyways..we bowl.

So, tonight we are bowling and this group of annoying girls and one boy come over and start bowling on the lane next to us. First, they are like 19, then the one girl starts attempting to flirt with Aaron. I liked when she goes "Can I use your ball" and Aaron's like "jigga what". No, he didn't really say that...I was thinking it though. THEN this weird girl keeps talking to me & my friend. She was all about telling us how we can all share the balls and then I bowl a strike and this weirdo is like "yeah girl, brush your shoulders off" Yeah..ladies is pimps too..I'm a "true playa" because I have my own bowling shoes. I love attracting idiots.

I'm still mourning the loss of my ball..."The Lynn", "The Grape", "The Purple Monster"...oh Brunswick Fling, what pawn shop are you in? Le Sigh..


I've decided that there needs to be a bowling ball hate crime, and Capt. Bowl here will be the one to commit said hate crime.

Why I'm Moving: Vol. 1

So yeah, we're moving. Not because my street is inhabited by 93% black people, not because the S.W.A.T. team likes to play across the street, not because of that guy who got shot in a crack fight and then got run over by a car, not because we got robbed..but because ALL of these things. There's only so much humor that can be had by being INSIDE the police tape because someone else inside that tape is a gun-wielding crack-snorting retard, and his helmet is missing.

I've learned a lot by living within the city limits, things like living in District 3 means it takes about a half hour to get a cop to your house. If you die, at least the 911 operator will get to hear it. I've learned that BW-3's is THE place to be if you've just stolen a car. I've learned that all black men go by nicknames, like Jay-Jay, Wee-wee or "Big Shot" (he lives down the street and his real name is Michael Jackson). Also, because District 3 is so large, if you think someone might be hurt in place of police officers 911 sends Firemen. Some firemen are hotter than others, but I think that goes for all fire fighters. Like in West Chester, where they make the rookies by groceries at Meijer..and some rookies are pretty (like Ryan Reynolds) and some rookies look more like a male Alanis Morisette.

Today I was sitting on the couch and I heard the screech..you know the screech. And I was like WAIT FOR IT….BANG! So I'm thinking "SWEET!" because I enjoy instant gratification. So I run to the front door and open it and I see a cavalier with a dodge caravan planted in the trunk, and lots of smoke..then I see the caravan in reverse and then I see it speed off..air bags deployed and everything. Nothing says "I'm a wanted felon without car insurance" like a hit and run. So, because I'm a responsible citizen, I called 911. I explained the situation, and it took less than 5 minutes for a cop to arrive. While I'm on the phone, I look up and I'm like "I'm in a Dane Cook sketch". No Lie, there were people EVERYWHERE, literally in bushes, balconies, porches, windows..and I couldn't just not laugh at the irony. Back to the cops arriving..they get there in 5 minutes. So…lesson of the day for me: if your house gets robbed, CPD will be there when they finish their "business" at Dunkin Donuts. If you are in a hit and run, they'll be right over. I should've gotten hit by a car that day, it may have sped up the process. Anyways, so I stand there forever because I thought they might need a witness statement, but apparently not. Now, I am just going to ranty rant about the CPD for a bit, because I can. Why is it that I get the SHAFT from the police? Their excuse for time delays on processing evidence collected from my house "well, we caught a serial rapist this week." Well, that's all good and well but don't I pay taxes as well? Am I less important because I didn't get raped by the Insane Fubu Posse (IFP…they don't throw faygo, they throw 40's..or FO-TIES as the locals would say). I mean, I understand the need to prioritize but seriously….2 cops pull these boobs over and they can't even taze them? What if they come back to my house for the phat farm?? I will be more than raging pissed…..I'll also be wetting myself.

So yeah, I'm giving up the busy street life here to move to a quiet cul-de-sac in West Chester (hopefully). Violent Crime Stats in 2002 for West Chester were 1.2 violent crimes for every 1000 people. Plus, subdivisions = nosy neighbors = at least someone will see the person who robs me the next time. There's ALWAYS a depressing upside.

Here's a forgotten picture that should've gone with my last post, slightly modified, here is the senior citizen who was arrested for a 1978 murder:

Live Vicariously, Become a Douche Bag

It’s been a while friends and I feel I owe you a little posty post. OH SNAP BATESVILLE! It seems like your Advanced Auto Parts store got robbed. Now, these criminals aren’t very smart. Because they are black (this is NOT what makes them not smart..follow along kiddies) and they went to Batesville. When I think Batesville I do not think black mecca, I think John Deere and old whiteys. So, they were already making spectacles of themselves. I do not think crossing state lines and a police chase makes them any more intelligent. Then one of these bozo’s gets into an apartment and they have to call the SWAT team out. Really..was it necessary? Just wait it out, eventually his friend in a stolen Jeep will be by to go out for BW-3’s and you can get him them.

WHOA! I realize old people are feisty but this is extreme, a senior citizen has been charged with a 1978 murder. A 78 year old man was arrested for the murder of..well, some other person. He also shot someone else, but he’s not a good shot. He left the other person a paraplegic rather than the dead I’m sure he intended. Best part, when he was arrested he had a .38 special on him when he was arrested. Don’t eff with him.

A 12 year old girl was shot in the buttocks in Avondale. She is “in good spirits”. A 10 year old boy was also shot, in the leg. However, this shot does NOT get a Forrest Gump reference. Apparently it was a drive by to little kids. According to a witness there were at least 10 shots fired, only at the kids. Said witness would like to see a curfew in the city, but made a point to include the sarcastic toned “but ya’ll aint going to put no curfew out there, aint nothing going to stop this violence, but a curfew would calm it down”. I love it, I love when citizens express hatred for it’s leaders.

Apparently the life of maids gets pretty hectic. 2 maids in South Carolina got into a fight over toilet paper. (Names have been changed to protect the moronic) Betty claims Billie Sue stole the toilet paper off her cleaning cart, while Billie Sue makes the same accusation of Betty. After getting pissed Betty grabs a plunger and hits Billie Sue, for protection Billie Sue grabs a mop and hits Betty. Billie Sue was arrested for assault and battery with a mop, and her defense stands as “ I was defending myself from the plunger”. Betty has been taken to the hospital for minor injuries. And I did NOT make this up, it’s in the weird news at www.channelcincinnati.com .

This is just as hilarious. A woman in Florida is suing Walgreens for defamation of character, negligent supervision and intentional infliction of emotional distress. The Walgreens worker seems to have left a little message for the woman on her patient information “CrAzY!” I love it. Apparently previously when the women picked up her sleep aid prescription, another message was left “She’s really a psycho!! Do not say her name too loud, never mention her meds by names..” I love it. The woman has obviously made herself an annoying pest at the Walgreens so now she’s just suing them. Way to go lady. I’m taking Walgreens side, because you don’t get called a psycho unless you start acting annoying. FYI…for all of those who don’t know: if you act crazy, you’ll be labeled crazy.

Brain surgery in Oakland is at your own risk. The chief of neurosurgery at an Oakland hospital was wrestled to the floor after a nurse refused to let him operate. What makes him unqualified you ask? Hmmm, he was drunk. That’s right, he was preparing to do surgery on a patient with fractured vertebrae..right next to the spinal cord! If I became a paraplegic because my doctor was drunk, there’d be so much more than medical malpractice to worry about!

Douche Bag of the Week is coming from France. A father was arrested after drugging his children’s tennis rivals. I mean really, is tennis that important? LOVE! That’s about the only tennis term I know..and I could be wrong. The reward for his relentless desire for the most awesome tennis playing children ever? 8 years in prison after this drugging resulted in the death of an opponent. He spiked the water bottles of 27 opponents. Now, I’m not sure how old this man’s children were, but they were playing a 25 year old who fell asleep at the wheel on his way home after losing a match and died. This brings a whole new meaning to living vicariously through your children. Living vicariously by becoming a douche bag….

Hollywood only goes a little gay....

So, I’m sure it’s not necessary that I sound off on the Oscars, but I’m going to anyways..because I’m funny. In a surprising turn of events Hollywood didn’t go totally brokeback gay, which is probably due to the fact that the main actors aren’t considered great yet. Because last time I checked “Bubble Boy”, “10 Things I Hate About You”, and “Dawson’s Creek” and that movie about Richard Nixon didn’t make you a good actor, it made you about $1 million richer than you deserve to be for being in bad movies (although I won’t lie..I do love 10 things I hate about you..it has the proper amount of angst). Brokeback won the director award..and some other, less prestigious awards, but all in all Hollywood avoided a gay blowout.

So Best Picture is Crash? CRASH? Is someone kidding me? Did these boobs even watch that movie? It also won best original screenplay? Hmm, a totally unoriginal movie (which stars Ludacris of all people) wins best original screenplay? Isn’t it ironic..don’t ya think? For those who haven’t seen it, spend your 2 hours doing something far less predictable. The movie is based entirely on stereotypes, and much like sociology it only serves to enforce stereotypes. White people get robbed, a black person steals their car..wait, is this the story of my life? Best part of the movie: RYAN PHILLIPPE, because he’s pretty.

Judi Dench did not win best actress, because she’s too old to be on talk shows not doubt. Felicity Huffman also did not win, because no one has seen her movie and we don’t like trannies. Keira Knightly never had a prayer because pride and prejudice makes us all fall asleep..just the title. Reese Witherspoon DID win because she’s married to Ryan Phillippe, and I’m sure the academy smiles at that…I know I do.

I do smile that Terrence Howard (who was also in crash), nominated for Hustle & Flow did not win. Why am I smiling? Because I don’t think movies about bad rapping should be Oscar worthy. Heath Ledger didn’t win because everyone just pictures him singing too good to be true in the bleachers of a soccer game. Seeing that Philip Seymour Hoffman won an oscar here for Capote I am wishing I had watched. A drunken college bet was that if Hoffman or any of his friends ever won an Oscar they would bark their acceptance speech. Watching the fat guy who sharted in Along Came Polly bark at the Oscar’s would make my heart smile.

And the best original song oscar goes to…”Hard Out Here For a Pimp”….I’ll let you all guess what movie THAT came from.

That's all I have to say about that. (that's from an actually good oscar film)