Can I Get a Monkey to Potty Train My Baby??

Yes THAT'S my new question. The other morning I was up way to early and was watching the early morning news. You know those local news shows in the mornings, all they show is the overnight murders and a whole lot of irrelevant news. So anyways, they are talking about this upcoming news story and I'm thinking "this is going to be the most awesome and disgusting thing I've ever seen!" The story was "Potty Training Your 5 Week Old." I thought to myself "I heard they do this with China babies, this I've got to see." Yes, there was actually a 9 week old baby that sat on a little baby potty and peed on the morning news. The mom is all hippie like "you need to know the signs that a baby needs to go, like holding their breath or crying." There are even books about learning good technique. Then she pulls out what looks like a plastic blue sand pail that you took to the beach when you were little and puts this baby on it, then she starts talking in her soothing, mommy voice about the weather or something and the next thing you hear is pee hitting the bucket. It was disgusting and fascinating and creepy all at the same time. It was a great way to start my day.

Then they show an even better story which made me think, "I had that idea like 2 years ago." ASSISTANCE MONKEYS! Seriously, they have these monkeys that help disabled people take care of themselves. These monkeys open doors, get you food, help you get dressed, change the channel on the TV, and even brush your teeth. I need a monkey that dresses me and brushes my teeth, it would give me another 15 minutes of sleeping time in the morning. This monkey is trained to not throw feces at you or smoke your cigarettes, which is good because if you required a monkey to hold your cigarette and he taunted you by lighting it for himself..and then throwing feces at you, you probably wouldn't be very happy. I'll admit, I'm a little jealous of quadriplegics right now. I mean, who needs to walk or use their arms when you have a fetching monkey that will brush your teeth? For St. Patrick's day, I was just green with envy....