Bones to Pick

So, I have a new bone to pick, this time it's with "homeless" people. I'm not talking about the trolls who live in lawn chairs under the bridges along I-75, I'm referring to the people who stand on corners, in front of stadiums, and off interstate exits with signs saying things like "HOMELESS anything will help, God Bless" with peace signs and crosses drawn on them with black crayon. Or my favorite signs "HOMELESS. War Veteran. God Bless" . If this is true, every war veteran since World War 2 is sitting around Cincinnati, being homeless and troll-like.

Ok, if you are clean and wearing new shoes I'm not likely to believe that you're homeless. I'm not even likely to believe that you're really that poor. Obviously you could afford shoes and to pay your water bill. Humor me, roll around in the dirt, don't comb your hair, don't stand there with a sign in one hand and food in the other!

There is this lady who stands off the Montana Avenue exit on 74, her sign is written on the other side of a Marlboro sign. 90% of the time when I pass her she's got a big gulp on the ground next to her. You are "homeless" and "hungry"..was 64 ounces of cola necessary? 75% of the time she's smoking. This is worse than homeless people who use your hard earned money for alcohol. If you are so poor and destitute you can't afford a pot to pee on don't expect me to give you money so you can blow smoke in my face. Last week she was hanging out with some guy laughing and carryong on in a convenient store parking lot. Homeless people don't have friends who wear nice clothes and smoke with them. If she WAS homeless, I could see why. She blows all of her money on stupid stuff. My idea of homeless, anything will help isn't "homeless, marlboro's & big gulps = life". I really despise this lady, especially when she rides around on a little pink bike like a circus clown. SHE'S NOT HOMELESS!!

I remember being like 9 or 10 and there was this place called "Phamor" over by Forest Fair. It has long since been out of business but my mom and I used to go there every Saturday. There was this lady with her son who used to stand by the entrance/exit of the parking lot with a sign that said "Jobless, being evicted by husband, need money." This lady was wearing a brand new coat. Then the next week her kid was wearing brand new Nike's. Need money nothing! One week, she left her son at home..but she carried a brand new purse. My favorite was the week she stayed hom and sent her mom out with the kid. So here's this shriveled up old lady with a 10 year old kid standing on a corner begging for moeny. The grandma had a sign like "daughter homeless, needs money" and I'm like "if you're so concerned, why don't you take her in grandma?" Because they aren't homeless, they are just lady. This lady would even stand outside in her coat, fake shivering in 70 degree weather in an attempt to look more pathetic. Um, you're pretending to be homeless...can you get any more pathetic? Mom and I would always point and laugh as we drove by...in our warm car. I felt sorry for that kid, not because I ever believed he was homeless but because how messed up would you be if your mom made you spend your Saturday afternoons pretending to be homeless? "No Billy, I can't come over and watch cartoons today, I have to be homeless..mom says so." Seriously, I bet this kid has been through so much therapy....or Jack Daniels.....

Finally, there's that guy who sits outside the stadium, with his dog. Neither the dog, nor this guy look malnourished. Plus, the dog has tags. To what address do you register your dog when you're homeless? I would LOVE to know. The last time I saw this guy he and his dog were eating Skyline. He put his coney down long enough to wave his lame "I'm homeless & hungry. I love my dog" sign in my face...while I kicked dirt on his coney because he was lying & not homeless. Besides..if he's so hungry, maybe he should save his money and eat the dog.

So, my friends, here's my opinion of the fake homeless: You're more pathetic than the REAL homeless. I mean, it's one thing to be homeless by choice, it's totally more ridiculous to pretend to be homeless by choice. Here's a thought: GET A JOB! (that's for real and fake homeless people.) McDonald's doesn't require a high school diploma, heck! they don't even require a pulse. Just fill out an application and don't urinate in the fries, it's that easy. Better yet, get a job brushing the teeth of quadriplegics. If monkeys can stop throwing feces long enough to fetch a toothbrush, so can you.

I'm pathetic, I'm lame, I'm poor, but I have some pride and I will NOT stand around with a cardboard sign and my license to panhandle begging for a big gulp and a 79 cent taco from Taco Bell. Hmm, there's an idea, send all of our homeless people running for the boarder. Mexico sends us all their "finest", maybe it's time we return to favor.