Here Ya Go!

Here you go!

It's been a while..just far too long. Aaron & I are officially done moving stuff from the ghetto and we are now only fighting about how to unpack things. Fun times. I think I am starting to understand "irreconcilable differences". It means couples couldn't agree on which of their 14 closets to put board games. It also means we are super lame.

Clermont County was a never-ending source of intelligence this week. First, some kid kills himself or a friend (I wasn't really paying attention, all I saw on the news was a bunch of kids with carhart & camoflage..laughter insued and I ceased to pay attention) hill hopping out in the middle of nowhere. I will never figure out why kids think it's a great idea to drive 900 m.p.h. in the middle of nowhere, over hills, and the only thing around for miles to hit is trees and a ditch. It's a cry for help..HELP! We are stupid! THEN a volunteer managed to drown in the Little Miami River while helping to clean up litter and debris. As my dad says, "No good deed goes unpunished." Apparently, a few volunteers decided to cross the river to get to the other side (why did the chicken cross the road?) One man made it across, one man turned back, and one man drowned. It's a bad joke: three guys walk into a river...

So apparently if the bird flu doesn't get us, the mumps will. I'm not sure why everyone is so up in arms about the mumps. My brother had the mumps waaay back in the late 70's, he lived and he's fine. What's the big deal? So it makes men sterile? I honestly don't see the problem here. Maybe some of those who shouldn't reproduce will get mumps and save us a few stupid nuggets. Besides, MMR...isn't that a standard vaccination? Wasn't I required to have this before I could start kindergarten?

Oooooo, our mayor is SO tough! He says there's a serious effort being made to fight crime in Cincinnati. Yeah right, like there's a serious effort to catch whoever put a boot in my door? They are cracking down on drug dealers (cracking down on crack) in OTR. In the words of Ron Burgundy, "I don't believe you". Apparently police are doing sweeps through the area and have already seized 20 guns, shut down five blocks worth of open-air pot markets along Vine Street (everyone's FAVORITE cultural experience) and only 1 shooting has occured since the sweeps started, leading me to believe the sweeps just started yesterday. Mayor Mark Mallory is walking the streets of OTR with a body guard, and some random kid "C.J." has this to say about the mayor being in the ghetto: "You probably would need a bodyguard 'cause you're going through some (expletive) trying to get these (expletive) off the streets." Oh OTR, stay the same..never change, for posterities sake!

In exciting celebrity news, Keith Richards has been hospitalized after he fell from a palm tree in Fiji. Why does it not surprise me that the Rolling Stone who can't speak also cannot climb trees? Here's a 62 year old man who looks about 78, always has a cigarette handy, and has smoked & acid-ed (yup, I said it!) more brain cells than the average washed up rocker...and he falls from a tree. I think what really happened is he is riverting back to his primate roots and climbing back down the evolution tree. Keith Richards, knuckle dragger.

Douche bag of the week: Brit Adam Kidrom, who release the spanish version of the Star-Spangled Banner in order to honor America's immigrants. First, there are more immigrants in America than those friggin' Mexicans. Second, WE SPEAK ENGLISH IN AMERICA!! A Brit of all things should know this. George W.s response to whether or not the National Anthem should be sung in Spanish makes my heart sing: I think the National Anthem ought to be sung in English, and I think people who want to be a citizen of this country ought to learn English and they ought to learn to sing the National Anthem in English. A remix of the Spanish version is already planned, and they are already planning on inserting slogans to complain about U.S. immigration laws. Slogans like These kids have no parents, cause all of these mean lawslets not start a war with all these hard workers, they cant help where they were born. However, they CAN help the fact that they choose to come here and do things illegally. They choose not to, and therefore I think we should choose to send them all back to where they came from, and if the boat sinks on the waywell, you win some you lose some. Yes, this country was built by immigrants, however they created laws and now these newbies feel they are above all that (you know, taxes and stuff) and Im raging pissed when I go to Wendys and I cant order without saying numero quatro..pronto mi amigo.

Yeah, that pope..he's a real genius. He says that lack of true love is the reason for the increase in failed marriages. WHAT?! You mean people get married for reasons other than love? No way! I mean, I thought all those people who got married because they were knocked up were really in love. Or when people make comments like "if you've dated for a year, you're ready to get married..." Yeah, that's real love, putting a time limit on the appropriate time for dating. Sometimes I want to claw my skin off......

In other horrible news I've learned that Meijer now carries a "personal massager" near the pregnancy tests...it amounts to a vibrator. They also sell vibrating rings. I think the fact that Meijer is competing with the Hustler store is far more disturbing than the guy who used to ask me for extra small condoms..I mean, at least he was mentally handicapped.