Why I Watch Local News...

First, a motorcyclist hit a deer in Batavia. While this is not funny in the least, what is hilarious is the shotty camera work. They actually show the dead deer lying in a bush. Is that the best you can do? I mean, the news station is located in Clifton, which is a good 40 minutes from Batavia. You're telling me that you drove 40 minutes to shoot some footage of Bambi in a bush? These are the reasons Haley isn't allowed to watch the news....

Then someone is beating puppies. We've all laughed about the shootings, we've laughed about OTR, we even joke about those burned bodies. But puppy beating? That's just wrong. Apparently someone broke into a poorly secured Kentucky animal shelter, stole puppies, beat them to death, and THEN stuffed their dead bodies into the donation bin outside the shelter.

Leave it to Kentucky to have a puppy beater.

Employee of the Month

So, there is this new guy at work..or there was this new guy at work, at least, he won't be there for long. I'll spare you his name, but we'll call him No-Condom Willy for the sake of argument. You'll understand in a minute. Well, it's Willy's THIRD week. He already has 3 absences (you're only allowed 3) and 7 tardies (you're allowed 8). Is this even possible?

I'll elaborate on how ridiculous this is. Your first week is all training. You're not even in the system until that first Saturday. Which means, in the 10 days he's been scheduled he's managed to achieve 3 absences and 7 tardies. You do the math.

So, Willy has a kid. One day she was 2, another day she was about 1 ½, today she might be an infant, who knows. However, two days ago he calls into work at about 2 p.m. ( he was supposed to be in at noon). He says to my boss, "Do I still have a job?" and she said, "You have 3 absences already," and he said, "Can I come in tonight?" and she said, "You can, but it will be a tardy and you already have 6."

Needless to say, Willy didn't show up last night. Today in our morning meeting (which he missed..) my boss says, "Willy is no longer with us, he no-showed his way out." There was some laughter. Then, at about 12:15 Willy comes up the escalator and says to me, "Are a lot of people working today?" and I said, "No more than usual", and he says, "I was supposed to be here at 9:40, I'm a little late..but I aint trynna trip you." What?! I don't speak foolish. I suggested he go talk to our boss, but 2 other people had to reinforce this idea before he would go.

His excuse for not calling, coming in, or being on time (ever) was awesome! I might use it someday, but probably not, because it won't work for me. Are you ready for this dribble? "My baby mamma went into labor twice..in 2 days." First, that only explains 2 of your 10 stupids. Second, stop having sex with everyone! This guy needs to wear a watch and a chastity belt. Just for humor - Humor came in at 12:15, took a full hour lunch from 2-3 and left right on time at 6. That's an employee of the month right there.


P.S. The Mumble Fish was back in today. I was too busy laughing at him and he asks these two other people who were standing together, "garble trash compactor at my cat's shoe." Dan pointed one way, Janet pointed the other, and they started to explain directions and Janet stops and says "did you ask for jeans?" See, it's not just me who can't understand him.

He didn't return his other jeans, he bought a second pair. Then Denim Neal says, "come back and see me if you need to return those." Mumble Fish yells, "I've got, I've got too much on my mind sir! I don't have time to think about you!" all while flailing his arms around his head. Ahh, retail, a breath of fresh air in the world of special ed.

The Mumble Fish

If you work around people long enough you will learn there are just some people who have totally missed the boat when it comes to saying anything intelligible. Let's take Ozzy Osbourne for example, he's British and I'm positive that he's not speaking English. I don't know what it is that he's speaking, but it's not English. But even Ozzy can articulate finer speech than the trout mouth I had the displeasure of dealing with today.

First, I'm standing around running my yap, because it's retail and that's what we do. This guy walks up with a bag in his hand and says something like, "hrmahlf garble eat teeth alksfoi jeans here?", and I said "do you want to return something?" He responded with "jasjdilo" and shakes his head yes. God bless the head shaking...

So I proceed to return these jeans and there is this odor of old chili, cigarette smoke and something else I can't quite explain, but it made my stomach turn. That takes a lot considering I've had my head entirely too close to the nether regions of a cadaver. I look at the guy and he's got food stuck to his face and something yellow smeared around. It looked as if he got punched in the face by a field of angry dandelions. Then, while I was circling the item being returned on his receipt I asked to see his drivers license. This crazy shoves his license into my face and I almost lost my left eye and my temper. I happened to look at his signature on the license and he apparently writes as well as he speaks because it looked like an EKG machine wrote his signature for him.

Well, big surprise here..he'd missed the 30 day return mark by over a month, so I was forced to give him a gift card. If there's any way to piss off a mumble fish it's telling them they can't have cash back. He spewed out something that had the word cash in it and I said "No, you can have a gift card or take your jeans back, those are your options." He takes the gift card and storms off cursing me in a fashion that made my co-worker nearly collapse trying to hold in his laughter. All I could say was "what did he just say?? stupid mumble fish, what WAS that?!"

Story gets better, the guy went down to the denim department to use his gift card and spent another hour and a half trying on approximaltey 50 pairs of jeans. He then yelled at the sales guy because stylish jeans have holes in them and he doesn't like dark jeans. He finally picks a suitable pair and "Denim Neal" says, "Now, when you return these, because I know you will, please do it within 30 days."

3 hours later Denim Neal says to me, "I kept smelling this awful smell and it was those jeans! I can't rid of that guy!"

This mumble fish will make my novel, along with the special ed king who used to ask me for extra small condoms at Meijer, and the cross dressing old man. Oh, and that dyke who wore flannel and Old Spice.

A Mini-Rant

This is why high school kids get a bad reputation as workers. So I was on my way to get a newspaper (mini-Martha needs coupons you!) and Aaron politely requested a deep freeze from UDF (United Dairy Farmers for the less Cincy savvy).

UDF has 2 sizes for Deep Freeze's: small (12 oz.) and regular (16 oz.). I'm not to sure what the deal is, but whenever I ask for a regular deep freeze those high school kids look at me and they must think, "this buck-o-nothing can't eat 16 ounces of ice cream, I'll just give her the 12." It NEVER fails! Every time I come home with Aaron's ice cream it's 4 ounces short. Hey! Junior high dropout, turn down the Disturbed and TURN UP THE BELLTONE!!

Maybe I should try slowing it down for these slack-jaws. I mean, if they can't get my order correct, can't I just berate them? Yeah, this is how I became the tip nazi isn't it?

Well, rather than cause a secne about his lack of attention to my ice cream needs, I said nothing. Then the other high schooler who was manning the register tried to charge me for the 16 oz. Deep Freeze that I so obviously did not receive. I felt an aneurysm coming on, because in all honesty I'd had too much high school dumb for one day. High school kids are so lame. I mean, when I was in high school wasn't I working like 10 hours a week? AND playing/coaching volleyball?? AND rocking Meijer's world???

A Fat Kid, A Shoe, and ME!

I am dedicating this post to Kristen, because she might be the only person to understand it.

This is the saddest Meijer story of all time. I'm not kidding, it's the saddest thing I've ever written. There were some joyous years at Meijer, and by joyous I mean there were lots of things to laugh about. There was that guy with the combed forward hair, the guy asking for extra small condoms, Bill was in a box, Pam was feuding over union rules that didn't exist, Kristen was letting me be her hero..it was FABULOUS! Then one day, Kristen was gone and I came to realize two things: Enrique was NOT playing anymore AND everyone had quit.

Hot Boy..GONE! (How did I miss THAT?!), Moqgli was gone (back to the jungle to sing Linkin Park and smoke crack with Baloo I can only assume), Fat & Crazy Mark was gone (locking Sarah Frank in his bedroom I guess..gross..gross all around), drunken Crampy was gone, who'd have thought he'd get smart before I did? Even that bowlegged whore Anna was gone, not that anyone missed her. She was probably gone for years before I realized it.

Sadly, I realized there were only 3 people left:
Andrew - political science dunce (your major is based on nothing, at least maintain the C), bain (or BOEHN!) of my existence, and harasser of my mom (get off my mom already!! she doesn't like you).

Clete - Elder fanatic (you're 29!! Get off your high school!), bathroom crapper (no kidding, he got yelled at for misusing company time for crapping & reading the paper at the same time), and grocery king (and that's just a crown no one should wear).

And Me- Coolest White girl on the block, Hole Counter, just there to yell at children (Dear Parents, have you checked the children? Because I have and they're climbing on my ladder..)

That's right kids..in the end all that was left was: a fat kid, a shoe, and me...it was the saddest life I ever lived.

P.S. Theres no longer a chip in my drink, just one on my shoulder.

RUN FOR THE HILLS! Or Just Dayton...

Surprise, surprise, surprise: the population of Cincinnati is rapidly decreasing. It's so bad that it's shrinking faster than both Detroit (where crime pays) AND New Orleans. WHAT?! Cincinnati can shrink faster than a city that sank? That's the most hilarious thing I've heard in a while.

As someone who recently ran for the suburban hills, let me explain my perspective. It was never my goal to stay within the city limits. It was always my goal to move some place with decent schools, no bus line with which to contend and relatively low crime (and ridiculous crime at that). I rather enjoy being outside of the 275 loop. I love sprawl and welcome it with open arms. I don't see the need to live where I work. YOU ARE NOT YOUR JOB! But that's a different fight club rant for a different time.

Allow me to reinforce the reasons for population decline:
Personally, I'm not a fan of the majority of Hamilton county. Houses in Hamilton county tend to be ridiculously overpriced for what you get. Example: $205,000 will you get a 1300 sq. ft. home in Oakley, complete with postage stamp yard and street parking. Sorry, driveways and detached garages sold separately. The same amount will get you at least 2000 sq. ft anywhere in Butler county. Yes, many houses in Oakley have been renovated, but you can't change location. You can fix crappy counters but you can't fix bad location. I understand, people love proximity to Hyde Park (why?) and "old house charm". Yeah, remind me where granite countertops and stainless steel appliances fit in with "old house charm".

When you drive down 75 there's an obvious change when you reach the point that's considered city limits. You don't need a sign, the scenery change is enough. It's not that the houses are old, but they are not taken care of very well. There's no pride of ownership (or rentership..I mean, it IS Cincinnati after all. Check the stats, over 50% of housing units in Cincinnati are renter occupied). Is there a lack of pride because of the increase in violent crime? Or is the increase in violent crime that led people to stop caring? Which came first, run down house or the thug? Chicken or the egg...we could debate all day.

There's no draw to the city. It gets irritating to go downtown and be harrassed by a panhandling moron. There's nothing there to interest me. Personally, I don't care if I live in a neighborhood with 200 houses but only 4 different designs. MOOT POINT! News flash to everyone with that attitude, all neighborhoods are like that whether they were built in 1924 or 2004. The only difference is the building style.

Bottom line: Cincinnati and Dayton are eventually just going to merge into one Midwestern metropolis. Cincinnati should either embrace the sprawl or offer me more than a panhandler, a door kicker and a potential gun shot wound.

Pittsburg Is Full Of Morons....

So, the city of Pittsburg is full of morons. First, it brought us Prof. Massey..and well, if you were in my sociology class you'd understand. The woman told us that male lions are lazy all they do is lay around and lick themselves, while the females run around and hunt for food and go "ROAR!" She also told us "Ladies, if a guy ever says 'Baby, I can't live without you', well then you need to RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN" and while she's yelling run, she is running circles around the desk. Not that this has anything to do with my real blog, I just thought you should know....

So, we all know about Big Ben and his nasty accident. We also all know that this fall, when the Bengals play the Steelers those biased announcers will be like "well, you know Ben had that accident, losing those teeth has really had a negative effect on his throwing. Plus, his thumb still hurts from last year..he's wearing 5 gloves now!" and my ears will bleed. (Thank you John Madden).

Well, apparently this poor old woman who turned left into on-coming motorcycle traffic has been receiving threatening phone calls from random fanatics in Pittsburg. That's just insane. Can't an old lady just be old? Is it necessary to harrass the woman? Dear Random Idiots, It's called a traffic ACCIDENT for a reason. Congratulations Pittsburg, you're still stupid.

However, those boobs don't even qualify for douche bag of the week. Guess who does? Oh yeah, Big Ben. To add insult to toothless injury, he will be receiving over $300 in fines (I hope his tooth fairy pays well!). Ben's previous comments about not wearing a helmet was "the state of Pennsylvania doesn't require it." Well, Ben..maybe you should've learned to read the entire law concerning this manner (did he learn nothing at Miami??). The state of Pennsylvania doesn't require LICENSED motorcycle drivers to wear helmets. So Ben, when you obtain the proper permit, you too can legally try to kill yourself. That's why you are a douche bag.

Arranged Marriage via Myspace?? Jigga NO!

From all the crap in current world news I keep reading about this story: 16 year old girl runs away from home in Michigan to attempt to marry a 20 year old man in Jordan that she met on Myspace.

JIGGA WHAT?!?!

Now, I was a 16 year old girl once. I have no problem admitting that I talked to some boyeez on the internet. However, I was NOT traveling halfway around the world to marry them. Her parents say she's a good kid, and I'm sure she is a great kid. But let's discuss logistics..and by logistics I mean COMMON SENSE, because she needs a good kick in the rear.

A- You are 16. You are traveling to a nation in turmoil...by yourself. You're not exactly inconspicuous.

B- You are 16. Your parents will probably realize you are gone at some point during your 10-12 hour flight to the Middle East. They will alert the authorities and you'll be caught FO SHO!

C - You are 16. Why are you flying around the world to hook up with someone who could be 65 and wants you to raise cattle and rapes you with a rake handle? Crazier things have happened......

D - YOU ARE 16!!!!!!

Do I really need to further elaborate? She's obviously not the brightest crayon in the box...she's like the one who's tip got broke in that little plastic sharpener. It's not just this girl, there are girls all over the place running off to get together with these random guys. These are kids who don't even trust their own grandma but will trust some random guy who says he's "20, 6'2, 180 pounds..brown hair, blue eyes..athletic build..." and he's 58, 5'6, 295 pounds, bald & glasses thicker than a Bible.

The good news, FBI intercepted the girl before she reached her future husband and sent her back to Michigan. Yes, they sent her back to the land of Michael Moore and she's STILL safer than she would have been in Jordan. The groom-to-be's family is upset, claiming the groom is heartbroken and they had no idea she would run off without her parent's permission. Le Sigh........who let's their 16 year old run off around the world?

In the end..I don't get it. I get the whole talk on the internet part..it's fun. It's more fun to lie about things like "I'm from Wisconsin..I live on a dairy farm". However, old perverts also like to lie...and that's why kids need common sense. So basically..don't pick your spouse on myspace. I don't care what pictures he has posted.....

Santa Claus, Yeah...He Begs

So, my mom works downtown. She's worked downtown multiple times now and she always comes up with the greatest panhandling stories ever. So this story is via my mom:

When she worked downtown several years ago at some random bank (she's made the rouns..I don't remember which one she worked for at this time, and it has nothing to do with the price of apples on Sunday), and she would ride the bus from West Chester to downtown. Apparently there was this bum that she used to make fun of with her bus stop friends (mom..always the bully). They called him "Santa Claus" because he was fat and wore a red sweatsuit every day.

Each day as they waited for the bus, Santa would make the rounds begging for change, pocket lint and everyone's first born child. One particular day a lady was holding a Snickers bar. Santa comes around, hand held out and he sees this lady with her candybar. He asks, "Can I have that?" and she says "No" and Santa had the nerve to grab it out of her hand and run down the street. I'm positive he also cursed at the woman, bu mom didn't say that part..because she's mom and she doesn't use that language. I think this story would be better if Santa had proceeded to eat the Snickers in her face and blow his chocolate nugety breath on her saying, "this is a delicious candy bar, thanks for letting me STEAL it."

That's one elf who's getting coal this year.....

Gumby and Oprah

If your head is completely lopsided there is an excellent chance that CPD wants YOU! in jail. This lopsided robber attacked a woman in her BMW on West Seventh St. Hmm, there's a lesson to be learned here. West Seventh = OTR, so don't give crackheads the impression that you have money and certainly don't live there! GEEZ LOUISE! And who's head looks like this? This douche looks like a half-breed between human and Gumby.

So, look for this guy.....at least he doesn't look like rectangles. Thanks to some total moron, North 71 was closed one morning last week for a few hours. No, it did not invoncenience my life in any way, but it totally irritates me when stupid accidents happen. Some moron in an SUV crossed the median and played pinball among 3 northbound cars. Anyone familiar with the area knows that the median isn't THAT tiny. How is it possible that you just off-road right through it and run into old people? Ok, not OLD, because the lady is younger than my parents, but REGARDLESS! Unless you have a heart attack at the wheel, what are you doing off-roading on the interstate? These are the accidents that irritate me, because they always happen during rush hour. It's like stupids wait for the perfect time to aggravate. Douche Bag of (last) WEEK! (and my dad would LOVE this one)...OPRAH! Look Harpo, I don't care how much money you have or how much you hate James Frey, you can't just crash weddings. Oprah apparently crashed a few weddings this weekend. Apparently she was "dropping off gifts" which sounds like a cheap excuse to grab a handful of pizza bagels or pigs in a blanket. In most of the pictures she looks totally annoyed by people talking to her. Hey Oprah! Don't draw attention to yourself and then get annoyed. Oh Oprah..I am so not a fan. McFINE! A Pennsylvania woman is being fined for tossing her McSalad out the window. She actually got a ticket, but brilliant decided she didn't need to show up for court. She is now arguing that her McYuck was not trash, because it's lettuce and it's biodegradable. This isn't holding up on court, probably because the judge is too busy laughing at her. Listen lady, it's McSlop, that's not real lettuce. Enjoy that $180 salad....

Bad Jobs = Book Fodder

So Dillards no only pays me money, but sometimes they also pay me in blog fodder. Aren't you so excited? So for those of you who haven't had the anal-raping pleasure of working in retail, allow me to explain a major principle of loss prevention. When a male LP apprehends a female shoplifter they cannot take her into the security office without another female present. You know, just in case said female gets angry and says, "waaa! I stole and then he raped me!!".

So, there I was, ringing out a sale when a security guy yells to me that they need me to come back to the security room. No big deal, it usually means I have to sit there as a witness until a female manager can be found. Well, my lucky day! There were no female managers. I got to sit in this room for over 2 hours watching ignorance unfold and be reminded why I moved out of the ghetto in the first place. BECAUSE IGNORANT PEOPLE STEAL!!

These girls stole some really crappy clothes. That's the only way to describe them, CRAPPY. So the one girl is yelling and acting like she needs to be backhanded and the other girl is just following her lead. When asked if they had I.D.'s they were lik e"Do we look like we got ID's?", as if we should just be able to tell how old they were by what they were stealing. Yes Shanaynay..my crystal ball says you're too young to have ID or common sense. Some of my favorite points of this conversation were:
Security Guy #1: Do you have ID?
GhettoFab!Girls: Do we look like we have ID?
Security Guy #1: Yeah, it's just a question. Any state ID? School ID? Social Security Card?
GhettoFab!Girl#1: I got suspended from school.
GhettoFab!Girl #2: Yeah, I got suspended too.
Me: rolling my eyes in the corner
Security Guy#2: Yeah, they don't take your ID when you get suspended.
GhettoFab!Girl #1: Well, school be out, so why you think I carry it?
Security Guy #1: Social security card?
GhettoFab!Girl #1: That aint even legal to have. You cain't have dat 'less your mom die or somfun. That's how my cousin got theys.

Yes. It was that painful. This was the exact moment that I began to look for something to use to stab myself. This was less than 5 minutes into the ordeal.

Not only were these girls being arrested for shoplifting, they apparently couldn't wait to tell their friends how cool they were. How do I know this? They kept text messaging everyone they had ever met the entire time they were in there. Now, if I was 13 or 15 and i was getting arrested I'd be busy making my last dinner request and writing my will. One of those security guys would've been out in the hallway yelling dead man walking, because my dad would kill me on the spot. They'd have to keep the police close by in order to save my life. Papa don't take no mess!

So, this goes on and the girls finally start to calm down enough to at least pretend to cooperate. They proceed to give the security guys their information, all the while berating the guys for not knowing how to spell names like Jacquita or Tanaya. One also threw a Wal-Greens orange soda at the trash can. It almost hit me in the head. There would've been more blod fodder when I was released on bail if I had gotten knocked in the head with a fake Fanta bottle. Then the Springdale police showed up, and this officer didn't take any mess either! The older of the 2 girls got TWICE as irritating as she had previously been and just because she was annoying the cop decided to take her away. I'm not kidding. The cop yelled at the one girl for texting, then told the other girl to shut up. Then immediately goes "You know, forget it..just get up. I'm taking you to jail." I had a hard time not laughing too loud.

Then the fun begins: After irrtation leaves with the overly friendly police officer, the other girl starts saying that her cousin isn't actually old enough to come pick her up. Then her mom actually called her and the security guard told the mom what was going on..I knew things would get interesting. The girl comes clean about giving false information, she also states that her family is getting ready to move from Bond Hill to Westwood (yep! sounds about right....). Her mom storms in and is in a total rage. Again...hard time containing my laughter. I'll leave you with other fun quotes.

"You ain't got to go to court. If you skip, they can't catch you" - Dear Latosha, with that kind of logic you'll do something else stupid and you'll get caught FO SHO!..PLUS this warrent will show up, and you'll enjoy juvie.

"We black, we always looking for a deal" - FIVE FINGER DISCOUNT ISN'T A DEAL! Some people are unbelievable.

"So why di dyou choose to steal from dillards? Why not macy's?"
"Dillards was the first store we came in, plus dillards is easy to steal from, at least the one in northgate is. that's where my friends be gettin' me stuff from" - #1 this isn't northgate, #2 if stealing is so easy, why did you get caught. Oh yeah..because you're stupid.

After the Dillard's in Northgate comment the security guy laughs and says, "Hey! I had a guy say that to me last week. Hey barry..remember that guy I caught we was on house arrest..he said the same thing!" - If you're on house arrest, shouldn't your ankle bracelet alert someone that you are roaming malls and stealing? Why aren't the police tracking you via bracelet? My guess..CPD's finest....always alert & on the case