Employee of the Month

So, there is this new guy at work..or there was this new guy at work, at least, he won't be there for long. I'll spare you his name, but we'll call him No-Condom Willy for the sake of argument. You'll understand in a minute. Well, it's Willy's THIRD week. He already has 3 absences (you're only allowed 3) and 7 tardies (you're allowed 8). Is this even possible?

I'll elaborate on how ridiculous this is. Your first week is all training. You're not even in the system until that first Saturday. Which means, in the 10 days he's been scheduled he's managed to achieve 3 absences and 7 tardies. You do the math.

So, Willy has a kid. One day she was 2, another day she was about 1 ½, today she might be an infant, who knows. However, two days ago he calls into work at about 2 p.m. ( he was supposed to be in at noon). He says to my boss, "Do I still have a job?" and she said, "You have 3 absences already," and he said, "Can I come in tonight?" and she said, "You can, but it will be a tardy and you already have 6."

Needless to say, Willy didn't show up last night. Today in our morning meeting (which he missed..) my boss says, "Willy is no longer with us, he no-showed his way out." There was some laughter. Then, at about 12:15 Willy comes up the escalator and says to me, "Are a lot of people working today?" and I said, "No more than usual", and he says, "I was supposed to be here at 9:40, I'm a little late..but I aint trynna trip you." What?! I don't speak foolish. I suggested he go talk to our boss, but 2 other people had to reinforce this idea before he would go.

His excuse for not calling, coming in, or being on time (ever) was awesome! I might use it someday, but probably not, because it won't work for me. Are you ready for this dribble? "My baby mamma went into labor twice..in 2 days." First, that only explains 2 of your 10 stupids. Second, stop having sex with everyone! This guy needs to wear a watch and a chastity belt. Just for humor - Humor came in at 12:15, took a full hour lunch from 2-3 and left right on time at 6. That's an employee of the month right there.


P.S. The Mumble Fish was back in today. I was too busy laughing at him and he asks these two other people who were standing together, "garble trash compactor at my cat's shoe." Dan pointed one way, Janet pointed the other, and they started to explain directions and Janet stops and says "did you ask for jeans?" See, it's not just me who can't understand him.

He didn't return his other jeans, he bought a second pair. Then Denim Neal says, "come back and see me if you need to return those." Mumble Fish yells, "I've got, I've got too much on my mind sir! I don't have time to think about you!" all while flailing his arms around his head. Ahh, retail, a breath of fresh air in the world of special ed.