Not Normally a Fan

Ok, so I'm not a huge fan of Dr. Phil. He occasionally fills my sleepy afternoon time with his mindless dribble, but only because the remote is too far away and Daisy hasn't quite learned the fetch command. However, today's episode made me smile deep inside. Dr. Phil echoed my own thoughts, and while this is scary that the television psychoanalyst echoes my thoughts, they were good thoughts and thus need to be shared.

Story- 17 year old girl is in love with a 30 year old former convict, or maybe current convict. I wasn’t really paying THAT close attention. I only started following the story when Dr. Phil started yelling my own thoughts. So, her mom is all “I can’t stop them or I’ll lose my daughter.” Which is such a crazy bad mom cop-out thing to say, but whatever. The girl is all like "i love him, he's my soul mate. yeah, he slept with my best friend but he wasn't in love with me at that point." So Dr. Phil puts a power point slide up on his screen and it’s like

“Soul Mate Resume”

• No Job
• No Car
• Child with Previous Soul Mate
• Doesn’t Pay Child Support
• Previously in Prison
• Domestic Violence Charges
• Drug Charges
• Cheats on You With Your Friends

At this moment I realized that Dr. Phil can’t possibly be all mindless dribble, however he merely screams common sensities to a land of non-sensicals. Yeah, I said it. Dr. Phil should change his name to "common sense" or "let me tell you what a normal person would do"

Scott-isms

When all else in my life fails, I can count on my brother to put everything into perspective for me. As a child he got me many spanking by telling me "go ahead Nik, mom and dad won't care, just do it" or his old stand by "try it, you'll like it" Come to think of it, he's probably the reason I ate dirt.

So, in a recent (like 2 hours ago) phone call, he put so many things into perspective for me, and I appreciate them so much that I think they need to be shared, thus i present to you "scott-isms"

Scott on living in Hamilton: "You'd have to be on crack to live in Hamilton! Otherwise, it'd be just too depressing to live there. The only thing they have to look forward to is a big pipe of crack when they get home!

Scott on Baby Boomers: "I’ve been fighting boomers all my life. Some of my ideas are revolutionary, and the man doesn’t understand the revolution."

Scott on Sudafed not being otc and pharmaceutical waivers: "Why doesn’t Sudafed just stop making products?! I refuse to sign the waiver saying 'I won’t make meth', like meth dealers are honest people? They have like 93 friends, with orange teeth, and they are like “I have a cold, can I have a Sudafed” and they buy their uncooked meth and they go home and cook it up and it’s like does this solve anything? No, it just inconveniences me. It only prevents them from actually stealing it off the shelves first, woo hoo. As far as I’m concerned the waiver should say 'I will not cook meth, I will not rip the tag off my mattress'."

Scott on professors (in general, but mine specifically): "I’m sure your professors do suck! It’s like the old adage, those who can’t do teach. If they were any good at what they do, they would be DOING it."
*NOTE: I totally agree with this statement, especially due to the large number of adjunct faculty that has to come in and teach the labs because there are certain faculty members who have limited experience.

Scott on PhD. etc etc etc: "I hate when people put letters behind their name. I find this very pretentious. It’s like “look, I have the alphabet behind my name!” and no one cares, you still suck."

Scott on my doctorate pursuits: "No, even if you get your doctorate, I still won’t call you Dr. Butthead…Ok, wait, I might call you Dr. Butthead"

Scott on the tangled web I weave: "Unraveling your lies to mom and dad is like writing a novel based on true events. You give some details, so the reader doesn’t figure out the whole story at the beginning, but keep it vague. So when they ask you the deeper questions, you have answers to give without them being lies. Once you lie to mom and dad you have to keep up with the lie FOREVER."
*Note: Weaving a tangled web is a high maintenance task that I do not recommend, or advocate. Mainly, because it is high maintenance and I hate high maintenance tasks.

Scott's life motto: "I don’t just like to irritate mom and dad, I like to irritate everyone."

the bookbag...

Right before I started Kindergarten mom took Scott & I to Sears, there was a sale on bookbags apparently, because Scott and I both got 2. Mom has always lived by the belief that you buy things when they are cheap so you don't have to spend the extra money later on when you need them. I can even tell you that the brand was "The Bag" (so original) and I picked a pink one & a blue one. Scott had a red one, and a gray one. So, apparently there was an eater of book bags in upper elementary school, because Scott managed to go through BOTH his and my blue one by the time he got to high school. Yeah, about 6th grade I was real sick of "The (pink) Bag". I had no desire to be a young miami girl, and pink was so not the new blue..which was the book bag I should've had, if you remember.

So, in 7th grade I made the mistake of complaining that I wanted a new book bag. Pay attention, this is where it gets embarrassingly funny. Dad is all "I got a free book bag last week at a computer show" This bag was some sort of wanna be waterproof material, gray with a teal bottom..and a friggin computer disk on it. We're talking circa 1994, 5 x 3/4 disk (the big ones that you played Oregon Trail off of in elementary school..yeah kids, that one). Honest to goodness, I think dad should've just taped "Kick Me, I suck" to my back and sent me to school that way. This thing was a beacon of nerd glory, and I carried it for 2 years! Even when all this weird black stuff that looked like cheap electrical tape kept coming out, that little useless handle on the top broke, and then finally one of the strap snapped in 2 on my way to music one day and thus ended the free bookbag horror. I thought that maybe I could get a bookbag that only warranted an "i suck" sign on my back..but no such luck. I go home and dad's like "I've got another one in a closet somewhere..I'll find it after supper"....Kick me hard..in the head..thanks dad, for the giant kick me sign and for getting me shoved in a locker. I think this is the reason I had to get scarey and start wearing black...and those weird boots...I was a little emo, I admit..and it's all because of that blasted bag!

Kathy Hilton...put your bra on!!

So, I play rec. volleyball and each week the winning team gets some sort of coupon for a free pitcher of beer at this bar, Mulligans. I don’t go for 2 reasons: a) being a non-drinker, there has to be a promise for good book fodder to get me to hang out at a bar (Hofbrauhaus doesn’t count because it always provides fodder) and b) judging by it’s location (close proximity to Hyde Park), I can only assume it’s full of XU fratty’s who will make me bleed from the ears and reach for the nearest utensil with which to stab the ole’ juglar. So anyways…(long drawn out unfunny jokes I know Aaron, stop complaining) over the weekend someone was shot at Mulligan’s THEN in a stroke of pure genius, Aaron decides to go eat lunch there. This is like the time the S.W.A.T. team was across the street and we decided to sit on the lawn and watch. I think from now on when the volleyball lady waves that Mulligan’s coupon around asking “do you guys want your free beer” she should just says “you guys want to endanger your lives?” Oh yeah, P.S. everyone I’m not a HUGE fan of the eastside either….

THEN another shooting, not in one of the previously mentioned non-news areas, Mt. Healthy. Although it wasn’t previously mentioned, a shooting in Mt. Healthy, Compton Groves of all places is really not suprising. I mean, I think they are desperately trying to parallel the L.A. Compton, as far as Midwest standards go for gangs and murders.

A Hamilton man involved in a drug ring?? Oh, say it aint so! I mean, to be quite honest, the only shocker here is that it was not a meth ring, but rather a coke ring. Then to top the brilliance of the outer tri-state area, 2 Middletown teens steal a cab at knife point? Who steals a taxi? It’s not like they inconspicuous, they are big and bright yellow. Plus, if you are 18 driving a cab, everyone knows you stole it. Then they flipped said cab over. I applaud the brilliance. I think a douche bag of the week award is in order, and it’s only Wednesday.

So, apparently trash is interstate commerce, thus protected by the constitution. Hmm, ok. Apparently other states are now dumping trash in Ohio. That’s cute guys, REAL CUTE. I think this a political statement from democrats, still bitter of the election results. I bet it’s friggin’ Indiana and Kentucky, you can’t trust those people. You know, democratic rednecks.

I want to know how this is headline qualifies as weird news: “100 Year Old Marries Younger Woman.” What was he supposed to do, wait around for a 101 year old woman?! Seriously! It’s not like he’s going to find anyone who’s NOT younger. Although, I’d be weary of marrying a 100 year old man, since he’s twice a widower..he might be literally have the kiss of death, but I wish them the best. Old people are so cute and feisty.

Oh yeah..and kudos go out to Kelly Clarkson, for biting the hand that fed her & Ray Nagin for being stupid….again.

Contrary to popular belief....

It seems like when I think things are going to be routine and boring, something stupid happens and irritates me. Once, during a routine advising session (required for registration at MSJ..stupid, I know) my advisor breaks into this little ditty: "So, are you taking care of yourself?" and I'm confused. I simply said "Uh, yeah" and she goes "No, I mean it. Are you really taking care of yourself" and I was like "As far as I know..." and she proceeds with this nugget of stupidity "What I mean is, are you eating?" I couldn't even justify that with a response. I honestly just sat there looking at her, dumbfounded. I mean, it was one thing for my pediatrician to give me the old eating disorder talk when I was 15, but for my advisor of the month to do it..well, that's just uncalled for. She continues this interrogation with "well, the faculty and I have been discussing how pale and thin you look lately, I mean you're always pale and thin but it seems excessive lately." So sorry Mary, I'll try to start getting my tan on in October...to look more human and less vampire. Who is this lady? And why on EARTH is she asking me if I eat. furthermore, doesn't the faculty have anything better to talk about than my eating habits? How about this, why don't you talk about not playing favorites in the classroom, or how to stop flirting with male students? If I was less scared of her eating me in this situation I would've retorted with "Of course I eat, I just pull the trigger" but in order to escape an after-school special waiting to happen I just said "yes, I'm still eating" and then stared at her with a face that clearly said "you are too dumb for life, can I go now?"

I love that I get called out for "not eating" however, the girls who came to gross anatomy half-baked and decided that using a scalpel was a good idea...they get no intervention. The girl who was an OBVIOUS alcoholic and who fell off a ladder at a strip club after a long night of drinking, thus fracturing her scapula..no intervention. The girl who is pale in the fall (how dare she?) & hasn't weighed more than a 110 pounds on her heaviest day...oh yes..time for an intervention. Some say "at least they care"...um no, they don't care about me. They care about looking like they've "saved" someone. Because then they would look better, and I would look like a fool. In retrospect..I wish I had given Mary the proverbial middle finger at that very moment. I hate when I am dignified in situations that don't deserve the preservation of dignity. Oh, and this attempted intervention caused my mom to become RAGING pissed. She almost called to give a proverbial middle finger of her own. Her words "I think I'll be the one to decide when my daughter is anorexic, not you PT. Who do these people think they are?"

So contrary to some beliefs: I am not anorexic, I do not pull the trigger, and I do eat more than once a week (although, it's great to joke about)

I don't get it, I'm just not cool

I do not understand this trend of pre-distressed jeans. Being a person who: a) doesn't grow (upwards or outwards), b) has no money & c) is not cool, I am NOT going to pay for jeans that someone (probably an 8 year old working for quarters) has torn up. Excuse me Juan Diaz, go back to the playground..Distressing my jeans is my job. My jeans will be distressed over time, at my own leisure. And by over time, I mean I have a pair of perfectly distressed jeans that I've been working diligently on since 1996. No, I'm not joking, I own a pair of jeans that I've had since the beginning of 9th grade. Sadly, they are bordering on indecent as one of the back pockets is threatening to show my underwear any second now, and this makes my heart sad because they are the perfect jeans and I can't just get rid of them.

Back to my original rant: why would I buy jeans that already have holes in them? I mean, even my distressed jeans are only shredded at the bottom! I don't wear jeans with holes all over the legs. I think these jeans are reserved for girls who are willing to shave their legs in the winter...sorry guys, there's a reason we wear pants. Why would I want holy pants in the cold weather? What irritates me further is that the pre-distressed jeans are the ones that fit the best, and I can't even smile for jeans that fit me when they have holes all over the place. I'm not 80's enough for holy jeans.

Hey Covington, Put Your Shirt On!

A former jailor gets only 7 years in prison for raping children??? He cops a plea and gets only 7 years. You see, this is what’s wrong with the justice system, if he had accidentally killed someone in a car wreck (not even a drunken wreck) he’d get a longer prison sentence.

Then, talk about adding insult to injury. An Oxford woman was robbed at gunpoint and then raped. THEN she calls the good ole’ OPD, who show up with a police dog who then in turn bites the victim. That tops the list of worst mornings ever.

Clean out your closets kids! This is a warning. A 62 year old woman in Washington has died after a pile of clutter fell on her head and she suffocated. Apparently there were stacks of boxes and clothes over 6 feet tall all through her house, and her husband initially called police because he didn’t know where his wife was, lo and behold she was in the house the whole time..buried alive. Pack rattery will get you no where.

Oh sweet mouse revenge. It was reported that a man caught a mouse outside his home, and then threw the mouse into a pile of burning leave in his back yard. Hell hath no fury like a mouse scorned, and the flaming mouse reportedly ran back into the home igniting a blaze that destroyed the home and everything in it. However, this story of the ignited mouse has been reported to be untrue. The 81 year old man who lost everything says this story makes him smile. Wait a second guy, you just lost everything and you have no insurance, yet you are smiling that people thought a raging pissed mouse destroyed your home? I think this counts as an early sign of dementia, because it’s not normal to smile in this situation

Here’s to hoping this headline is also untrue: Turkish girl infected with bird flu after kissing infected chickens. WHAT?! Who kisses chickens? Her family says she loved the chickens and they told her not to kiss them. At 8 years old do you need to be told not to kiss the chickens? I mean, a toddler I would expect this from, but an 8 year old? And who thinks kissing chickens is a good idea? That’s so nasty.

So, the woman who was found dead in a home last week has been dead for 2 ½ years. She told her family & caregiver that she would come back to life, so the care giver put her in the bedroom, with an air conditioner blowing on her and the tv on. That’s disgusting. The caregiver was just trying to do right by the woman, but really. No one comes back to life after they die, and this is all just creepy to me that the body was just sitting in a rocking chair watching tv. This sounds like something from a movie..oh wait, because it is….PSYCHO!

Finally, a former public defender has greed to testify about what she knows concerning a former client’s involvement with the disappearance of a girl 7 years ago. You see, this client is a former client because she’s dead. The lawyer is claming “privilege” Yeah, privilege nothing. Your client is dead. It’s not like they’ll make her dead body sit in jail! Well, unless she said she was coming back to life, then they’ll sit her carcass in front of a tv with an air conditioner blowing on her.

Oh Landmark….my church made the news. Some moron hit one of the 10,000 trees that line the driveway and he and his passenger had to be cut from the vehicle. He’ll be cited for the accident, which I find odd. When kids had wrecks there in high school the cops never cited anyone because it was private property, and depending on where you are on the church grounds you’re either in Evendale, Glendale, or Woodlawn.

Then, just to trump my Landmark story I see the Bigg’s in Harrison was robbed. However, it was robbed at 7 a.m.?? Who’s up that early to grab a handful of cash from the register? I bet he didn’t even get $150. That’s foolishness. I only wish that Sarah had been there at that moment.

This is something only a Kentuckian would do..steal 2 packs of cigarettes and start a police chase with their Geo Metro. Can you even have a police chase when your car only has 3 cylinders? I mean really, the cops are just throwing you a bone as you race away at 45 mph. However, the idiot tried to flee to Ohio. Doesn’t he know cops here kill for less than that? Moron crashed his car into the Suspension Bridge, totaling the Geo and giving his passenger a spine injury. Congratulations! You’ve just won the douche bag of the week award and put your friend in critical condition..for 2 packs of cigarettes.

Oh, and I called it. I said 2 days ago that Carson Palmer would have surgery on Wednesday. Because Wednesday is the universal day for orthopedic surgeries. I wish I had placed bets…

Book Update

The book has been started....like, i'm really doing this. I've decided that even if I'm not good at anything else, I will get my thoughts out and be happy. Maybe I can turn my hobby into something afterall...stay tuned

Do I Look Like a Pirate to You?

Welcome to the winter of my discontent……

(and if you can’t heart this movie, you should be reading more angry girl books and defining irony)

A white man was pushed out of a window in OTR. Of course his photo was shown on the news, and of course it was a mugshot. The question as to why the only picture of victims in Cincinnati is their mugshots has been posed enough. MY question is what was a white person doing in OTR?!

The tailgates of Chevy pick up trucks are being stolen in Kentucky. I think this is a crime that gives a whole new meaning to tailgate party (b.y.o.t.g.). A census in Kentucky has shown that there is 1 pick-up truck for every 3 licensed drivers. I like that they have to define licensed drivers, because everyone knows that probably about 40% of the drivers in the state are unlicensed (and probably driving pick-up trucks). Tailgates are apparently ~ $1,000 a piece, which makes me believe there is some sort of hillbilly tailgate black market operation going on in Kentucky. I’m glad there’s a state with dumber crime than Ohio.

An anonymous 911 phone call led police to a dead body today. A dead body that had been lying in the home for possibly 3 months. Lets discuss conspiracy, shall we? You’re telling me that 2 weeks after Christmas a body that’s been lying for months is discovered by an anonymous 911 call? Did no one miss this woman? Did the neighbors not smell this woman? Then, as the day unfolded the plot thickened. It turns out this dead woman shared her home with 2 other women! WHAT?! Who lives with a dead woman in their home for 2 months. Apparently the police were called out 3 months ago on a report of a dead body in the home, but nothing was found. Although, Dr. Murray told a story once of finding an old woman’s body in a freezer. Turns out that she died and the daughter didn’t know what to do with her, so shoved her in an old freezer and continued to collect the social security checks. My favorite part was the news was like “yeah, old dead lady found in home…but remember last week..those dogs and cats..what a shame.” The world hates people but loves pets….that’s the moral here.

A 7 year old sprayed bleach into his teachers drink at Lincoln Heights Elementary. First, any place with “heights” or “hill” in the name is the ghetto. Lincoln Heights, Arlington Heights, North College Hill, Bond Hill, Price Hill..you are getting the picture. Second, since when do teachers get to drink in the classroom? And why is her drink sitting in the open for bleach sprayers to poison? Ahh, elementary ed…finger painting.

An old florida couple had a pre-nup that called for the husband to give the wife 5 minute back rubs 3 days a week, a $5 fee for nagging, and the husband was not to wake his wife on her days off of work. This only makes me wish I had a pre-nup. Apparently, the husband somehow secretly divorced his wife 2 years ago. The husband asked for a default judgement and got it, and now the wife doesn’t know she has been divorced for 2 years. Which means the husband was still getting laid, and lying to his ex-wife. There should have been a pre-nup clause for lying about divorce.

Good News Maryland!! Mooning is NOT illegal in your state.A judge in Rockville Md., ruled that mooning is not illegal after a man mooned an 8 year old after an argument at a home owners association meeting. That’s so far beyond flicking someone off and suck my back. This corporate goon (because that’s what cares about the home owner’s association) starts mooning people. Where in life (outside of junior high) is it a good idea to moon in retaliation?? Screw indecent exposure, this man should’ve been arrested for stupidity. Repeat offending jerk off I say.

Shoes....bodonkadonk

yes, this is an honest posting about shoes. what is this trend with boots? who wants furry boots...with pants tucked into them?! personally, i am not a fan of boots of any kind. I don't like shoes that come above my ankles. However, if your pants are tucked into your boots..you look dumb..jessica simpson.
also, wearing boots with mini skirts or shorts or something that is not pants and shows off the bootieness of your boots. and yes, i did just say that...so love it.

pointy shoes. i think this speaks for itself. when i see pointy shoes i immediately think of the wizard of oz, when the house fell on the wicked witch of the east and her feet were pointy right before they curled up under the house. therefore i refer to them as witch shoes and cannot figure out how people can get their feet into them.

heels...i don't like heels. i hate wearing heels. i want to drive the heel through the eye of the person who invented heels. they are not comfortable and they turn women into liars. i was at a wedding once and a guest made a comment about the bride saying "she's tall..i didn't realize she was so tall". she's not turd wad, she's wearing at least 2 inch heels...she's not tall, she's a liar. i wasn't willing to sacrifice comfort to not be dwarfed by my husband on my wedding day. i had to wear heels in my brother's wedding (chris picked the shoes) and i was not comfortable. which is why i let my bridesmaids pick their own shoes, because a) i want them to be comfortable and b) who cares about feet..no one is looking at the bridesmaids or their feet.