Cute for Babies, NOT for Adults

There's this thing that babies do, and it's completely normal, in a lot of ways it's actually kind of cute. However, when adults do it I can't stand it, it's not cute and it's actually quite gross. What am I referring to? DROOLING.

I cannot stand the site of an adult drooling. When I see a baby drool I smile and my first instinct is to wipe it off, with my hand even if I know the baby. On the flip side, when I see an adult drooling all over themselves, I don't even think to get them a drool cup. I don't even feel bad either, I just try to control the urge to vomit. Feces, no problem, adult drool, peace out.

I once had an experience with a patient who was described to me as “kind of a pervert”. So here I am with this man who’s had a stroke, secondary to long term alcohol abuse (and he’s detoxing), he can’t talk but rather grunts out odd sounds, and he’s staring at me with one droopy eye and a mouthful of drool oozing out. I was glad that I was just there to observe and not actually do anything. It allowed me the freedom to sit in the corner, rocking back and forth and think of unicorns. Trust me, it helps with the nausea.

Another Smelly Blog

While we're on the smelly subjects, I might as well continue the journey. This is the one that baffles the minds of many people, but honestly, I cannot stand the smell of coffee. Everyone knows that person who says, "I don't drink coffee, it always smells good but I just don't like the taste." Well, I am not that person. Unlike green beans, I don't have any traumatic childhood experiences for this hate, I just don't like the smell. However, unlike green beans, I have actually tasted coffee. My beloved went through this not brief enough phase where he wanted to drink coffee. I tried it once and decided that it's not the caffeine that wakes you up, but rather the sensation that you may have just ingested mud. Even chocolate didn't help, and I tend to peace out on things that are beyond the healing powers of chocolate.

I have also found that there are coffee associated smells that are actually WORSE than the smell of fresh brewed coffee. For instance, stale coffee makes me nauseous. I was so upset when Meijer put in the Starbucks up front because it meant all those "classy" broads from West Chester could leave their half empty Venti mocha latte grossay cup o'yuck on the shelf for me to dispose of later in the day. Actually, there was a day when one of these yuppies spilled her coffee all over the place and then continued to wander off as if nothing happened and I looked at my co-worker (of South American decent) and said "I can't clean this up, the smell is going to make me puke" and she replied, "I love the smell of coffee," to which I snapped "that's because you're half Columbian, your blood is 50% coffee!" True story.

Other horrid coffee associated smells: Coffee breath, seriously..it's called a mint. Shove an Altoids in that orifice! Even worse, smokers with coffee breath. As if the coffee might mask that horrendous odor? No, it amplifies it and makes your teeth ten times as yellow. Please, don't stand so close to me, your breath is literally melting my skin off. Oh and just an FYI, coffee is a bowel irritant, if that helps explains your morning case of the runs.

Things I Cannot Stand: Numero Uno

As promised, this is the beginning of my series, Things I Cannot Stand. Again, these are in no particular order because I hate equally, so here you go, the first thing I cannot stand.

#1- The smell of green beans. It's true, it makes me gag. This all goes back to my early childhood when my mom thought it was a truly swell idea to can her own green beans. Who does that? And why on earth is it called canning if you put it into jars? Shouldn't we just call it jarring? But anyways, my mom would "can" her own green beans and it made our house reek like some sort of old cat came in and urinated everywhere just before dying, then a rude house guest came in and spilled 3 day old coffee everywhere. I'm not kidding. It smelled like old coffee and pee..and dead animals, mixed. As if that wasn't bad enough, that horrid odor concoction stayed in the house for DAYS. After that smell, there truly wasn't an ice cubes chance that shizzle was going to touch my tongue.

I actually remember seeing one of those fire safety things on TV telling you to put a blanket at the bottom of the door to keep the smoke out, so I tried it, seeing if it would keep that smell out. Let me tell you, that suggestion is going to kill a lot of children. It didn't even help filter the odor, I just ended up with a stinky blanket and no place to hide from the smell. Now my mom hasn't canned her own anything since circa 1986, but I can still smell that old coffee and pee-pee badness, and it's still burning my nose hairs. I honestly believe that green beans (and okra) are gifts from hell, so thank you satan. To this day I will not even try green beans because of how horrible they smell. However, I married a man who likes green beans (and okra..what is wrong with this person who pays my bills?) and I believe if he could just change one thing about me, he'd make me cook green beans. I hope he's not holding his breath....he'll die fo' sho!

Oh, and by the way, I think there’s still at least one jar each of canned green beans and canned tomatoes in my parent’s basement. It’s like my mom was saving during the cold war, you know just in case, but that came and went, and Y2K came and went and at this point I think there’s some sort of emotional attachment to them.

Let's Get Excited!

I'm going to spend the next 25 days trying to blog consistently, for your reading pleasure. The topic: 25 things I Cannot Stand. These will be in no particular order, because I don't discriminate and when I hate, I hate equally. You could say "That Nikki, she's an equal opportunity hater". Oh, you're gonna love this.....

ps - i can't wait for you to all know how utterly ridiculous and neurotic I really am

A Football Blog: Why the NFC Has No Chance of Winning the Super Bowl…

One word: QUARTERBACKS! For pity’s sake, why is it that when I watch any NFC match-up I feel like I’m watching a marginally good D4 college quarterback? Where did they even find these guys? Eastern Illinois? Well THERE’S a football powerhouse! One of the best quarterbacks in the conference is Jon Kitna! I think I’ve made my point right there. How did they even pick for the Pro-Bowl? Whoever sucked the least, so congrats Drew, you’re the top of the suck pile.

When I see Peyton Manning throw the ball, I am amazed. When I see Carson Palmer throw the ball, again I am amazed. When I see Matt Hasslebeck throw the ball, I collapse in a fit of laughter. When I see Eli Manning throw the ball, I think Manning family step-child. When I see Rex Grossman throw the ball, I think a lot of things but none of them are good. Whoever drafted him should be F to the IRED! I also think, wow, maybe the Bears should discuss a contract with Brett Favre. I’ll give credit where credit is due, Drew Brees doesn’t throw terrible for a guy who just had his shoulder repaired. He’s better than Tony Romo fo’ sho!

During the NFC Championship game today, the announcer repeated a quote from Rex Grossman who says, “Any gray area, you throw it (the ball) away”. Apparently for Rex a gray area is any time you could get a first down or a man is wide open in the end zone. Pretty much for Rexy, the FIELD is a gray area. How in the heck is he in the Super Bowl? At one point this season he’d thrown more interceptions than 12 NFL teams combined.

So our Super Bowl match up is a laser rocket arm vs. a scared girl in a gray area? Yeah, Go Colts!

Things That Make Me Want to Stab Myself: A Traveling Blog

So Aaron and I just got back from another trip to Texas and I was reminded once again why I should become a hermit. When boarding the plane, typically they board by zones, right? Well, if they are boarding zones 1 and 2 and you are in any other zone, SIT THE HECK DOWN! There’s no reason in the world for all of zone 4 to be roaming around the general vicinity of the line, like a bunch of confused primates, as if they are even close to boarding. When it’s my turn to board, I can’t even begin to FIND the line through this group of ignorant baboons.

What irritates me even more about these non-boarding passengers is that not only do they wander about so you can’t find the actual line; they get up near the entrance and then just stop. It’s like those people who walk into the entrance of a building and just stop right in the middle of your way. THEN, in an annoying turn of ironic events, they get mad at you when you run into them because they are completely stupid. Look granny, if you’d have stayed in your seat until zone 5 was called, none of this would’ve ever happened so TAKE A SEAT! Your seat is only 4 and a half feet away from the plane, I promise, they won’t leave you behind (much to my dismay).

Then after we all hurry up to wait, we have to stand in line while waiting for those boobs who are desperately trying to shove their gigantic Louis Vitton “carry on” bags in the overhead compartment. Anyone within a stones throw can see that these bags don’t have an ice cubes chance of fitting in that compartment. However, every time I get on a plane there’s a plethora of sorority girls (donned in the official college hoodie and UGGS, as if to appear more like the rest of us common folk), business men (who seriously have traveled enough to KNOW that bag isn’t going to fit), and old people (who previously stood in my way and are really starting to irk me) trying to shove half of their household belongings into the overhead bins. Then, the person behind me will sigh loudly, not only blowing one of my ear drums, but moistening my neck with their nasty, hot, coffee breath. CHECK YOUR BAG! Seriously, it takes all of 5 minutes to get your bag, and you’re not going anywhere in those 5 minutes anyways because you’ll probably be spending it in the bathroom. Honestly, traveling is enough to make me want to kick old people or punch children.