ANNNND I'm BACK! (Love it!)

I like when fugitives from other states come to hang out in our ghettos. What a better place for a fugitive to hang out than a crime-ridden, drug infested neighborhood? A man wanted for trying to kill a police officer in Arkansas was found during a drug investigation in the West End. WHAT?! People sell marijuana on Linn Street? I would've never thought.....
Now, I've heard that schools in the south were pretty bad, at least that's what I learned in that Written Word class at the mount (Dr. Luecke, total hippie..). Apparently they teach people to be stupid. When you are wanted for attempted capitol murder it's not a wise decision to start buying or selling drugs in the middle of a bad area where the city mayor is putting up an AWESOME front to lower crime rates. Genius Marcus Hicks, GENIUS! And by genius I mean douche bag, and the week is still young....

Summer is beginning like normal, a man may or may not be in the river. Apparently his wife reported him missing Sunday. The man lives on a house boat and the police are searching the river now. However, no one is actually sure if he's in the river. I find it interesting that the best hypothesis of his whereabouts currently is "the river...search the river."

In an interesting turn of events, Scott Peterson and one of the jurors who sentenced him to death row have become friendly pen pals. How does THAT happen? Here's what I think:
Dear Scott,
Sorry you have to die. I know it's 1/12 my fault.
Love, Random Juror.
Apparently their friendship started after this juror had a nervous breakdown over the trial and her therapist suggested she write a letter to Scott.
"Hmm, you have nightmares? this trial ruined your life? How about writing him a letter, and telling him that he ruined your life."
Well, now this juror describes Scott as a charming man. Well, I can think of another woman who found him charming, and he was so flattered that he chopped her pregnant body up and threw it in the bay. I smell a prison romance...and a bad true crime novel in the making.

Speaking of Californians being retarded, researchers in our favorite golden state claim to have a duck x-ray with what looks like an alien creature in the duck's stomach. Jigga What? Should someone be caned in this situation? Apparently this bird came in with a broken wing, and when they x-rayed the duck supposedly a very clear image of "a face, or a head, or an extraterrestrial.." Let me get this straight, it's a very clear image but you can't tell for sure if it's a bird, or a plane, or ET. "Um, we may have an alien here, we're not sure...just a very clear image". However, the world may never know, because the duck has died. I desperately want to believe an alien came tearing through it's stomach.....and did a little dance.

Old People and Near Death Experiences

So, remember when I made fun of hill hoppinh teenagers? Well, it's my moment of truth, the REAL reason I was never one of those kids. The reasonis, when my brother was 16 and I was 12, he nearly killed us being one of those kids..it was a Dukes of Hazzard moment. You se,e there's this hill on my parent's street. It's not really a hill though, because it's more like a ramp. Also, my parents live on a busy street and the speed limit is 40, so the average speed is about 50-55 (it makes backing out of the driveway great fun!). So anyways, my brother and I were going somewhere in the 1979 Ford Fairmount he shared with my dad (until my brother killed it) and Scott is like "I can make the Fairmount fly Nik, it's fun," and I'm like "Let's not die today..we almost did that yesterday." He goes on about how it's only fun if you hit the hill at about 60. Well, he was going 60, we ramped the hill and then we almost died. We went airborne and then landed on the wrong side of the road, and my brother decided that maybe this wasn't such a great idea after all. He stopped ramping the hill for like a week or something. So, the Fairmount came up in conversation last week when my brother was in town and my dad says, "It's amazing now that the car is long dead and you have moved out all the stories of how you killed that car are coming out. I just found out last week that you used to ramp hills in it with your sister." Of course, Scott and I are dying laughing. Scott's response, "What? It was about the same size as a Dodge Charger, about the same age..and it was orange..why not play Dukes of Hazzard? Ok, so it wasn't orange..more like creamsicle."

Below is a picture of a Ford Fairmount just like the one in which I nearly lost my life (and the contents of my bladder).

Then, yesterday at work (Dillard's, hole of America..worse than Meijer), I was working in the Big & Tall section, which is where the men's bathroom is located. This old man (and I am talking old, like 90) goes into the bathroom and was in there for over 30 minutes. I was convinced that he had died. His granddaughter went in 3 times to check on him. So he finally comes out of the bathroom, which is in a little hallway. Well, also located in said hallway is the fire exit. You see where this is going right? Confused, elderly man comes out of the bathroom and opens the fire door, setting off the fire alarm. I turn around and see him walk away from the door..and he walks back to the bathroom. I had to go in and get him and he's like "I don't know how to get out of here," NO KIDDING GRANDPA!! So I show him the way out and an old lady who works with me (she's not 90, just 60) comes over looking for the key to turn off the alarm, and she's ranting the whole time (she's the crankiest old lady you've ever seen). She is like "He had to open that damn door! Leave it to old people to ruin everything. When I get that old I hope someone just shoots me like a horse!", and I'm like "when you get there?? you're already....nevermind."

Thats all my stories for now.enjoy the image.

Why I Moved: Pt. 2 - Gun Fights

So what kind of person starts a gun fight on the interstate? An IGNORANT person, that's who. Don't we encounter this same potential for violence every time a rapper comes to town? As I recall, the first time 50 Cent performed here the whole town was up in arms over the potential for gun violence. I believe there had been gun violence at several of his previous shows. Although, I laughed the potential violence off as "it's just another reason for people in Cincinnati to shoot each other."

I don't care WHAT started the fight, I just want to let my feelings be known. WHO STARTS A GUN FIGHT WHILE GETTING ON THE INTERSTATE?! Is there nothing better to do at 3 in the morning than to go around shooting people? I guess the Po-Po was too busy saving OTR (which again begs the question WHY? Let it burn already, trust me..the locals will take care of that) to be outside the always crime-ridden Club Ritz. I have an idea for how the situation should've been handled: barricade the idiots in and let them kill each other, last one standing goes to jail and the world is a better place with about 20 less ignorant people. No one listens to me.

Best part: CPD says that the entourage did indeed return fire, but they don't expect to file charges. That's a great message Cincinnati, "Come to our city, act like an untrained baboon, get out of jail free." New City Slogan! "Please come and attempt to kill that locals, if you don't someone else will." Where's Super-Mayor Mallory on this one?

I'm not at all shocked that some boob brings 2 or 3 vans full of people to follow him around, and then they end up in a fight with the locals. I wonder if this is what happens in the south at a country-western bar post-Kenny Chesney concert? Although, rednecks would rather spit chew and throw down..rifles don't fit in those tight wranglers...

Lawn Mowers, Credit Cards and Crotchety Old Men

So Aaron needed a lawn mower, so we made a trip to the Sears Appliance store near our house. My hero of the day showed himself in a light beam of grumpiness, and this is how it went down:

Young Kid: “So, this lady bought a refrigerator and had it delivered. When it was delivered she discovered it was too big for the space. We found another refrigerator that will fit, she wants to know if she will have to pay another delivery fee if she buys it.”
Crotchety Old Man: “Is she having it delivered?”
Young Kid: “yeah”
Crotchety Old Man: “Then she’ll have to pay the delivery fee, are we taking the old one back?”
Young Kid: “yeah”
Crotchety Old Man: “She’ll also have to pay a restocking fee”
Stupid Old Lady: “You mean I have to pay you to deliver it and take the other one back?”
Crotchety Old Man: “yes, you will be charged a restocking fee if we take it back”
Stupid Old Lady: “I already paid $60 to have the first one delivered, now you’re telling me I have to pay ANOTHER $60 to have this one delivered and a restocking fee?”
(here’s where it gets AWESOME!)
Crotchety Old Man: “Well Ma’am, we didn’t make the refrigerator too big”
Stupid Old Lady: (in a nasty tone) “Well I know that”

Dear Old Lady, You could've saved over $120 if you had just bought a tape measurer to begin with, but you didn't. Moral of the story: Being stupid is expensive. Don't be stupid and you won't have to pay money. Be lucky they are charging a stupid fee as well.

Aaron and I loved this, and he can thank ME for making him go to Linen’s N Things and Meijer first, otherwise we would’ve missed all the grumpy fun.

I love old, grumpy men.

Then yesterday at Dillards there was more grumpiness. An old man was attempting to use his Dillards credit card. However, he had cut the card up and sent it back to the credit card company because they failed to put all of his last name on the card and he wanted a card with his real name on it (imagine that). So, a call to the credit center was needed. I wasn’t actually helping this man, I was folding pants nearby. So anyways, this guy ends up on the phone YELLING “Look! I sent the card back and I wanted my name changed. I don’t see why this is so difficult for you to understand. You’ve made me angry now and I have a hearing problem, I don’t appreciate all that conversation in the background. I didn’t know I had to talk to India!” Now, that might not be verbatim, but it’s pretty close. I had a hard time hearing, since I ended up sitting on the floor laughing like a hyena.

Stay Tuned for "Why I Moved: Pt. 2 - Shootout on 75"

Immigrants Boycott.......I use MY First Amendmant rights

Hmm, so illegal aliens are using MY constitutional right to assemble and boycott work and shopping. Guess what spics? Youre ALL FIRED! My favorite part: Benita Olmedo pulled her two children from a San Diego school today to march, she came here in 1986 illegally and she wants her kids to know shes not a criminal. Jigga what? Can you say not a criminal and came here illegally in the same sentence and think you arent a journalistic joke? If she came here illegally, she was a criminal. If she is STILL here illegally, A. shes retarded for putting herself on the news & B. SEND HER BACK ALREADY!!

Businesses who rely on immigrant labor had to shut down or slow down operations. The rest of the world doesnt notice, because Wendys is always slow. Even when you say pronto, suddenly they are like No habla espanol and Im like no habla englis, no habla espanol..what the funk do you habla?!

A crotchety old man in Florida (A.K.A. my hero of the day) was a counter-protester, and came up with the best idea yet. Send those aliens home and welfare recipients who are taking a free check should have to do their jobs. I love it! All I hear is how these hard working immigrants do the jobs no one else wants to do, Im sure there are plenty of starving bums, welfare recipients and high school kids who will flip burgers and sweep floors. However, unemployment rates rise faster than the number of Mexicans living on Main St. in Hamilton.

Heres my opinion, INS should sit at these protests and boycotts and start rounding them up. Theyre so dumb, theyre making it easy on them! Mexicans took the day off from raping young girls and flipping burgers to protest being law abiding citizens. My final thought: you wanted so badly to be a part of our country, then be a part of it! Become a citizen, pay taxes, and we dont care how many of you fit into a Dodge Caravan!