Crazies Go Crazy & Al Gore Interrupts My Life

Thanks to the weather, I’ve had nosebleeds pretty consistently the last few days. It’s getting really old, that constant taste of blood in my mouth. So, let’s talk about stuff..

So there was a shooting in East Price Hill last night. A resident of some apartment complex flagged down a police officer at 1:30 in the morning, saying he heard a gunshot in the apartments. Hmm, if I hear a gunshot in my building I would probably call 911. I most likely wouldn’t run outside like “I’ll flag down a cop, and hope this shooter doesn’t gun me down on the street while I stand there”. Here’s my favorite part: witness say they didn’t hear anything out of the ordinary. Well, that’s because gun shots in East Price Hill aren’t out of the ordinary! I remember my sophomore year of college taking this class that had a community service component to it, and it was in East Price Hill. Totally ghetto. We had to come up with a plan to improve East Price Hill for this class as well, and I agreed with the guy who yelled “burn it down and start over.” Because there is nothing else to do besides wait for them all the kill each other off.

One mentally ill man kills another in Butler County. Figures, I prepare to move back to Butler County and the crazies just go crazy. Then, in what I thought to be a show of bad journalistic taste, NBC local news shows pretty much the entire arraignment on the news. Um, Napoleon Dynomite’s twin can barely speak, they had to put up subtitles. The judge had to ask him 3 times if he understood that he was being charged with murder. He says yes, and then later is like “garble garble garble” which was subtitled “I didn’t do anything.” It was kind of sad to watch this guy cry to his mom that he wasn’t going to leave her, and then cry all over the bailiffs. I didn’t find this arraignment to be news necessary. The prosecutor actually released a statement that he doesn’t believe the man will be found mentally competent to stand trial. That’s also unnecessary, because if you saw the news you’d be like “they’ll just send him to another mental institution.” I guess it gives the prosecutor something to do.

Oh Sweet Jesus! More fun in Butler County. 3 kids bring a gun to Hopewell junior high. Now, of the 3 junior highs in West Chester (Lakota Ridge, Hopewell & Liberty) Hopewell is the most ghetto. It’s on the older side of West Chester, and I used to call it Hopplewell because I had a friend in the band there, and on some band award they misspelled Hopewell and made it Hopplewell. Now that I think about it, Hopplewell is appropriate because as far as West Chester standards go, Hopewell is equal to Hopple street in it’s ghettoness. Anyways, back to the gun issue, these kids thought maybe they would commit some crimes after school, burglarize a house or something. Until one kid decides to tell a teacher because his conscious got the better of him. His conscious got him & his friends felony charges and some friendly time at the Butler County Juvenile Detention Center. I’m telling you, I’m moving back and Butler County is going nuts. It’s like the crap is just following me around. There’s going to be a body in the river in Hamilton before too long.

I’m glad that I am not traveling out of the airport today. Flights will be delayed for the president, so he can come rub elbows with less exclusive politicians here in Indian Hill. Now, when they mean delayed, they seriously mean delayed..and this is how I know. 5 years ago, just before the first election that Bush won, my brother got married..in Iowa. So, here’s a run down of the morning: we drove my brother & sister in law to the airport at 7 in the morning, and I vomit in the bathroom. THEN when I get to the airport to go home, my flight has been canceled. I am raging pissed. Then I have to fly to St. Louis, have a layover and fly to Cincinnati. It get’s so much better. I was flying TWA, and in Des Moines they gave me, my grandma & aunt an $18 food voucher and some TWA tickets. I yelled at the ticket guy “TWA..the one that crashes?? You are valuing my life at $6…that’s just great”. My aunt was very embarrassed, which made it even better. So anyways..St. Louis. It was TWA…AND a prop jet. What the crap is that all about?? So while we are sitting on this plane for well over an hour, they announce “We are having serious delays because Al Gore was here and we have to wait for his plane to get X amount of miles away from the airport before anyone else can take off” That’s dumb. I mean, he was only the Vice-President, he’s already in second place, this is all annoying.

I repeat, this is not a bag joke..it's my life

So, I live in the ghetto. I mean it, I absolutely live in the ghetto. Previously my attitude had been, "I'm not a target for angry black angst because I am white and don't smoke crack, therefore since I don't owe them any drug money they will probably leave me alone." I just want everyone to know if you ever live in the ghetto that sort of thinking will also probably get you robbed. How do I know this? Oh yeah, because it got me robbed.

It happened 2 Fridays ago, and here's the scenario: I'm upstairs, asleep. 1 or 2, or possibly an entire FUBU posse kicks in my side door, rummages through my purse, steals my car, and I wake up with all my doors open and my dog is all whimpering and scared.

Let's have some details shall we? First, I could sleep in the middle of a battlefield. You could carry me through the streets of Iraq, and I could sleep through it. Some Bozo Posse kicking in the door that is downstairs & on the opposite side of my house from my bedroom does not warrant so much as a change in breathing from my sleep. So, when I wandered downstairs at 2 in the afternoon, I was none the wiser to my situation. Second, it takes me a good 5 minutes just to figure out what's going on when I wake up. Like, when I saw 2 of the 3 doors in my house wide open, my car gone from my garage and Aaron's video camera lying on the ground outside my first thought was NOT "I think I've been robbed." My first though was "what is Aaron doing with a video camera outside?" So, I called him. By the time he got on the phone, I started to wake up and realize what was going on, and thus the hyperventilating commenced. Oh, and to all the haters that are still laughing that I slept until 2, I had previously been awake, but decided my bed was so warm and cozy that I would stay there until I woke up a second time.

Then, Aaron told me to get out of the house, because I wasn't smart enough to do that on my own. So, then I call 911, and I'm standing outside in pajamas, Adidas sandals, and 80's hair. By 80's hair, I mean that when I sleep I toss around so much my hair is teased to perfection for 1987. I also live on a busy street, so here's the scenario: Skinny white girl with crazy 80's hair, standing in her jammies for all the west side to see. Oh yeah, while crying like a 10 year old on Rescue 911. Where was William Shatner in my time of need? Making another horrid CD no doubt.

So Aaron beats the police to my house, which is fantastic. I live in the largest district for the CPD, and it apparently takes 25 minutes to get to my house. In case of emergency, you just have to die because CPD won't be around for awhile. Sounds like there needs to be a re-zoning in order. So I'm an intermittent basket case until the police show up, when I was just raging pissed. Aaron and I are walking through the house and I noticed my wallet was moved from my purse to the kitchen table. Aaron's credit card was gone, along with my $1. ONE DOLLAR! Is someone kidding me? Am I on "World's Dumbest Criminals"? I mean, you just robbed me of my car and my security, but the dollar is what put me over the edge. Honestly, the dollar seems like such a moot point, did I really need that extra kick in the junk? I mean, you stole my car, and all the goodies inside. The dollar seems so unnecessary. So Lame.

So then, the police get a CSI lady to my house and she's casing my house finding blood & fingerprints, which probably belong to me anyways. Then she points out the "workboot print" on the doorframe. Aaron and I both thought "you mean Timberlands?" However, I did get my mouth swabbed all CSI stylee, which made me feel special.

So, then comes a week later. My phone rings, and it is a CPD investigator. She tells me that they found my car, and that it's in good shape. I think she meant good shape for a stolen car, because it was kind of gross inside, and there's a huge gash/scratch on the back bumper. As if they were rear-ended. So here's the deal: I was robbed by Bubba Gump & Co. No Lie.

These bozo's pulled out in front of an unmarked police car. When the officer's pulled them over, Jay Jay & Wee Wee (or Jamal & Tyrone..choose your own adventure here folks) bailed out and ran off. The police "chased" them, but didn't catch them. Here comes my favorite part. They were 1.1 miles from my house when they were pulled over. 1.1 MILES?! You had my car for a week and couldn't get more than a mile from my house?? Douche Bags of the MONTH! They didn't even change the license plate on my car, they just ripped off the Mt. St. Joe parking sticker, which was actually a nice gesture, and doesn't irritate me at all.

Here's the best part. They left a bunch of trash and their stuff in my car. They apparently stole my car and headed to BW-3's and had wings. That's the most Blackerific thing I've ever heard. Steal a car, get beer & chicken. They also left ½ a 2 liter of Pepsi in my car, a tube of lip gloss, 3 coats (Phat Farm, Carhart & some other hooded zip-up sweatshirt) 2 cup holders full of ashes, approximately 50 McDonalds napkins, and a grilled hot dog. Yes..a grilled hot dog. Things they stole from my car: Dell MP3 player (with car charger, and this little mp3 player holder that fits in the cup holder), a 1972 purple bowling ball with my Mom's name on it. Things they did not steal from my car: bowling bag & shoes, my coat and my Bible. Jesus doesn't smile on people who steal the Holy Bible, since it specifically says "Thou Shalt Not Steal". It also says "Vengence is mine saith the Lord", and if that vengence comes from a Smith & Wesson, I'm cool with that.

The investigator called me and said "they left a bunch of CD's in your car. I could figure that they weren't yours." Which means they were probably, Dr. Dre – Chronic 2000, Snoop Dogg, Ludacris – Beer & Chicken or the like. It's a good thing I wasn't getting in touch with my inner thug that week, or I might have lost some good CD's. She also said she left the coats in my car, because she wasn't sure who they belonged to, which I think means that there were 3 thug life jackets and a nice wool peacoat and that threw her off. So, I now have 3 coats in my garage that the police have said are now my property and I'm free to do as I please with them. This is what I think I should do with them: When I hear the thieves are arrested I should show up at their arraignment wearing the jacket..just to be completely irritating and tout my new goods. Playa play on!

Things I think that are funny:

- One of the douche bags left their house key in my car, I found it by the drivers seat. I hope this means the guy had to run home and kick in his own door.

- I have their coats. It got very cold over the weekend, and I hope they had to freeze all the way to Deveroe's to steal more coats.

- They stole a bowling ball that is over 30 years old. They left the shoes and bag. The shoes & bag are new and probably worth more than the ball. Plus the ball has a name on it, and it's bright purple. It's not exactly easy to disguise.

- I like to believe this was the series of events: Jay Jay & Wee Wee are driving along, get pulled over by police. Jay Jay is driving, Wee Wee is eating a hot dog. Jay Jay yells, "Wee Wee! Put down that dog playa! We gots to run foo!" Then while Wee Wee is messing with the seat belt, the hot dog falls out of the bun, and he is left to run through the streets with an empty hot dog bun and a bowling ball.

- The reason the police didn't catch them: The neighborhood where they jumped from the car is full of young African American men without jobs. They all wear the same thing: dark blue jeans, white t-shirts and boots. So, I'm sure it was like "Where's Waldo" and the police were like "whatever, we got the car back."

So, the police called to update me today on the lack of updates. Basically they are just waiting for the lab to finish checking the database for fingerprint matches. Also, the police checked the surveillance tapes from the places of receipts Bubba & gang left in my car, but the tapes were awful. Not surprising, everyone knows that when you see those tapes on the news and they're like "do you know this man robbing the convenient store?" and it looks like a video of 4 rectangles moving around. I'm sure someone out there is like "Tyrone..is that you?!" But I don't know anyone who looks like rectangles…so it's fruitless to me.

So that's my update..i hope you enjoyed.

H-A-R-D-G-U-Y

So, Aaron and I were watching the Olympics. They intermittently will do these spotlights on the athletes, which is just an annoying way to ensure they fill their 3 hours of time. So this kid is like 18, and he’s all blah blah, I say things that the more republican people don’t like, and people who don’t like it can eat me. He is 100% convinced he is one tough cookie. Well, he’s not, he’s a friggin’ FIGURE SKATER. You know, I would rather my kid be the loser of the special Olympics than win Gold as a male figure skater. Can you even be a hard guy when you’re wearing glitter and sequins? Is it allowed?

Let me break down some male figure skating for you: men + glitter + tights. Oh yeah, and make-up. Then, while they are wearing glitter, tights and make up they skip and twirl around on ice. After they are done skipped and twirling and dancing all around, crazy people throw flowers and bears at them. Where is the Mr. T in this activity? Since when do these things entitle one to act like a hard guy?

Now, I know you’re all wondering why I didn’t change the channel when figure skating was on, since I obviously think it’s a sissy sport and should be no boys allowed. Allow me to explain. I love to watch figure skating because there’s always a chance that someone is going to get seriously hurt. Especially when you are watching the pairs figure skating. This all dates back to Lillehammer Winter Olympics, where my mom and I watched this guy drop the girl on her face, she was busted up..there was blood and everything. While they cried over their sunken Olympic dreams, mom and I laughed until we cried at their misfortune. Even if no one gets hurt, if they fall they still have to skate around with a clump of ice on their glittery behinds..and that makes me smile too. Basically, I watch figure skating for the falls. The other night, I got to watch the American girl slide across the ice on her chin, a Chinese girl nearly tear her ACL, fall on her head, and then slide into the wall (that team won a silver medal…which should not be allowed), then they showed video of the Russian team from 2 years ago, where the guy dropped the girl and she landed on her head and got knocked out. Her limp body just keeps sliding across the ice, mostly on her forehead. So THAT is why I watch figure skating.

And the winner is....

Here’s a real blog…enjoy it. Everyone calm down, Kanye West is NOT freaking out about not winning all 8 grammys he was nominated for, because he has justified his losing. He justified losing Album of the Year citing “vote splitting”. He seems to think that he had to split votes with Mariah Carey among the “urban music fans” in the recording academy. Well Kanye, allow me to clue you in: you didn’t win because the academy just doesn’t like you. They aren’t fans of Gold digger or that song from Jarhead, and quite frankly they just want you to go to New Orleans and wait for the next Hurricane. So get down..with yo’ bad self Kanye…underwater. However, I do admire his honesty with the statement “I’m more famous now, and that means more money”. I appreciate that he admits he doesn’t make music for his fans, but merely for the money.

A Kanye quote about his Grammy Performance: “I just want to see the black colleges right now. I just want to go onto MySpace right now and see what people are saying." Um, the only people who watched you were like 14…so you go ahead and myspace there R. Kelly.

Then, again with this Kanye, he says “I should be in the Bible”. Jigga what? He believes he would be a “griot” in a modern Bible. Now, I went to Landmark and this stymied my cultural development, but thanks to femalefirst.co.uk, I know that a griot is an African storyteller. Well, Kanye..you DO tell some good stories, like “George Bush doesn’t care about black people” and “I ain’t sayin’ she a gold digga, but she ain’t messin’ wit no broke nigga (or broke de broke…which is like “humpty hump” which makes you a total rip off)” however, YOU ARE NOT AFRICAN. Therefore, you do NOT qualify to be a griot, you only qualify to be a douche bag.

Excessive Kanye stupid quotes: "I bring up historical subjects in a way that makes kids want to learn about them. I'm an inspirational speaker. “ The only thing kids learn from you is how to be stupid.

"I changed the sound of music more than one time... For all those reasons, I'd be a part of the Bible. I'm definitely in the history books already." You have NOT changed the sound of music, the hills are not alive with Von Trapp children singing Jesus Walks With Me. U2 HAS changed the sound of music, which is why you lost album of the year to them, so stick that in your crack pipe and smoke it, fag.

Hmm, someone murdered one of the creators of “Curious George”?? This Curious George genius lived in a trailer? What is THAT all about? Shouldn’t he be getting royalty checks still? I don’t get it. Who kills an old man and buries him in garbage bags on the sidewalk. This is all very strange, and if you kill someone and bury them…I think you’re supposed to actually put them underground, not under garbage. Just a thought.

I’m just gonna say it. Gwyneth Paltrow should be punched in the face, repeatedly. She’s only in the news for saying really idiotic things. She is a female Kanye West, only a total airhead. Now she’s like “I don’t want my daughter to say basil and pasta like Brits, because I hate that.” Here’s a thought Gwennie, if you don’t want your child to speak like a Brit, don’t raise her as one. Oh yeah, but Brits are smarter than Americans. Since when does more pretentious = smarter? Let’s recap some recent Gwen headlines shall we?

- Gwyneth Paltrow convinced her life would make a sitcom

- Gwyneth Paltrow to contact spirit dad

- Gwyneth Paltrow calls in exorcist.

- Gwyneth Paltrow too ugly

- Gwyneth Paltrow “I need money”

- Gwyneth Paltrow needs more time (for herself)

I have a headline: Gwyneth Paltrow needs a punch in the face, and a new personality.

Random Stuff

Ok, I'll start with the scariest news first. In the world of fashion, leggings are making a comeback. I'll refrain from the L.L. Cool J reference here and insert a horrified scream instead. Thanks to twigs like Lindsay, Mary-Kate and that Nicole Richie character leggings are apparently set to be all the rage. What I can't figure out is why these idiots are wearing work out clothes? I mean, aren't spandex for working out? These are people who haven't seen a treadmill in their lives, so back off the lyrca ladies. As for the depressing upside, fat people everywhere are rejoicing that they will finally be in style again. They've been waiting for this moment since 1992, when I will admit to owning a pair of leggings, black with lace trim at the ankles. I wore tehm under my skirts to school because it was cold outside and it looked a lot cuter than sweatpants under my skirt. Shut it haters, I was 10!

Ever wonder what happened to that middle kid from Full House? If you said no, please skip this paragraph. If you chose yes, read on (that was so choose your own adventure of me). Well, she's a meth head, it's true. http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/Entertainment/story?id=1564779
Apparently she got bored and decided trying meth was a good idea, since she was unemployed and married to a cop. Here's a better idea, Jodie Sweetin, hit up Monster.com and start looking for a job. How insanely bored do you have to get before you're like "hmm, meth sounds like a good idea, I mean it works for Hamilton, Ohio." Also, most cops don't make piss poor salaries, so why didn't she just fill her time spending his money more wisely than on meth? And what kind of cop doesn't noticed his wife is a meth addict? Pretty much it seems as though Hollywood is the kiss of death to people's lives, although it provides me with blog fodder, so again I say carry on Hollywood.

Detroits finest paid a visit to the Tri-State last week. A Detroit mother was arrested after teaching her 15 year old how to shoplift DVD's. This was after her 13 year old son refused to help steal. I guess if at first you don't succeed, try with the older but dumber child.

Douche Bag of the Week Award! 2 Kentucky men are arrested after they allegedly stole a light pile off the side of 275. Now, at first when I read this headline I'm thinking "WHAT?! Can you even steal a highway light pole?", but here's the real deal. The pole had been knocked over last week in a crash. Then a Boone Country deputy found the pole cut up in sections in the pack of their pick-up truck. For anyone wondering, these poles are worth $3K. Not only were they arrested for theft, but the one guy was also charged with improper registration, since he has not re-registered his pick-up truck since 2001. Apparently the theft on these poles is on the rise, along with stealing aluminum siding and copper wire because they can be sold to salvage yards. Salvage prices are up, therefore so is theft and stupidity (there's an equation in there somewhere). These 2 jack-offs cut up the pole in front of a KDOT worker. Hence, douche bags of the week.

There is a close second for the douche bag award though, also in Kentucky. This idiot killed a woman on I-75 in Kentucky. She was driving south, on S-75....he was driving north on S-75. Of course she dies, and he goes to the hospital with non-life threatening injuries. Apparently alcohol was a factor, which begs the question how drunk do you have to be to go the wrong way on the highway? How long was he going the wrong way? How do you even manage this stuff? He was charged with a DUI and wanton murder, which I like because it sounds like a bad Chinese dish.

Rolling Stone interviewers are stupid. In a recent interview with Kansas Senator Sam Brownback (R), they interpreted his Bible quotation as a joke about gays. The article is entitled "God's Senator" and he had criticized countries for allowing same sex marriages. Then he quotes the Bible saying "You'll know them by their fruits." This whole quotation was #1 taken WAY out of context, #2 I'm sure the editing was done in such a way to make him look like a bigot. Look, Christian or not, republican or democrat, doesn't matter. No politician is going to make such remarks about a group of people. They have re-elections and popularity polls to worry about in all situations. The last thing you will hear a politician do is make a discriminatory statement. Unless their name is Ray Nagin and they are the mayor of New Orleans and they are in desperate need for chocolate.

Speaking of politicians, this guy sounds like he will fit right in to the political realm. Jonathon Sharkey (apparently former pro-wrestler Rocky Flash, vampyre party...whatev) was running for Minnesota governot. He's a self-proclaimed Satanist and promises to implae terrorists and criminals on the steps of the state capitol. Then the police busted him on 2 Indiana warrants, for escape and stalking. This is certainly the guy I would want as my governor, the guy who will stalk me and then kill me on the steps of the capitol because he is a little pissed off and crazy. He would probably also broadcast it over the internet for millions. Nutso.

Celebrities, They Make It So Easy....

Celebrities say some really dumb things and making fun of celebrities is much more entertaining than making fun of normal people. So here goes:

"I don't want my nipples looking for coins on the street" - Sharon Osbourne

I can only assume shes excusing her boob job, boob lift..whatever. Statements like this explain why she is married to a man who speaks like he only has 1/3 of his tongue left. Friggin Mumble Fish.

"I had a pimple. I think it was 1993" - Heidi Klum

3 words Heidi Klum: I Hate You. I haven't even had a baby yet, but I guarantee when I do, I look like an orca for at least 6 months afterward (if not the rest of my stretched out life). Heidi is like "I mated with a not so attractive man, gave birth to a cute baby that at least 65% of the world doesnt desire to eat AND I was back on the runway in 2 months." Thanks for having that one pimple in your life Heidi, it makes me feel like you might be a real person afterall..

"Flushing carpet down the toilet isn't a good idea" - Faria Alam

Now, I dont have the slightest idea who Faria Alam is, nor do I care to imdb her. However, I really want to know who WOULD think flushing carpet down the toilet is a good idea. I mean, Ive heard of flushing drugs down the toilet, but carpet? Thats just plain stupid.

"Ugh, those were awful. If I had the money, I would give a refund to everyone who bought my first two albums." -Mandy Moore

At least the girls honest. However, I think its taken her way to long to admit that her albums suck, and I think she should be more honest and offer refunds and a public apology for all her music in general.

"I'm not really one of Jack (Osbourne's) friends. He finds me irritating and I find him smelly." - Jade Goody

Nuff said. Especially since I dont know who Jade Goody is, but Jack looks smelly.

"I want to make my book as real as possible, but I can't hardly remember a thing." - Jack Osbourne

Its ok Jack, just lie. It worked for James Frey, and youre already a B list celebrity so the backlash for lying wont be so severe. Plus, youre Ozzys pride and joy, people arent expecting much from you. Weve seen the Osbournes afterallI also think this statement proves my point about why you shouldnt expect the truth from a crackhead.

"I pick my nose and I'm not ashamed to admit it!" - Justin Timberlake

Yeah Well, you also used to hump Britney. We aren't expecting class from you Justin Timberlake. I'm sure K-Fed is much more refined than that. Because cornrows = class. And banging Britney = class. She knows how to pick 'em. I PUNNED!

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." - Brooke Shields

Hmm, I didnt think Brooke Shields was stupid for medicating herself for PPD. However, this statement makes her a flaming moron. This is as bad as the Oprah quote someone spat at me when we fail, its because were not doing something right. Yeah, its call SUCCEEDING, when we fail we are not succeeding. And I still dont like Oprah.

"I enjoy the compnay of cattle. I really enjoy knowing them, running my hand over them." - Russell Crowe

Where was good ole Russ when the cows were loose on 275? He wouldve been very calm, petting/molesting the cattle. The calming effects of the cattle may have prevented him from punching anyone UFC style. Although, when the cattle started dying, I think it may have been Russel kryptonite, and UFC may have commenced. Better to keep him away from my general vicinity, I dont need a phone thrown at me.

"What does Jodie [Marsh] actually do? I don't have a clue what she does." - Kerry Katona

Better question: What does Kerry Katona do? Because the rest of the world doesnt have a clue and I doubt we really care. Maybe she should worry about herself instead of this Jodie Marsh character. Oh, the rough lives of second (or third) rate celebrities.

"I could happily get a tattoo done every single day" - Jodie Marsh

I hope Kerry Katona reads this, it will clear some things up for her.

"Everyone should get famous so they can see that it's not the answer." - Jim Carrey

No Jim, its not the answer. The answer is for people like you who need constant attention to get famous so we can all make fun of you. Carry on Hollywood, Carry on.

"Someone asked me the other day, 'what do you thnk of Britney having a baby?' And I said: 'Britney had a baby?' I don't crowd my brain with all that nonsense." - Teri Hatcher

Just a thought but I wouldnt guess that Teri Hatcher crowds her brain with very much at all. Other than bitterness and desperation. Theres a reason shes on a show called Desperate Houswives..

"If we're mucking out the horses in our stables, Peter can suddenly pull me down on the straw in his arms and peel off my jodphurs before I can catch my breath." - Jordan

I dont have the SLIGHTEST clue who Jordan is, why shes famous, or where she came from, all I know is that everytime I see a picture of her shes grabbing her boobs, shes half naked, and apparently all she talks about is sex. So, shes just one more whore to get attention in the world. I hope Paris isnt too jealous.

"You wonder whether Paris Hilton would be as attractive as she's perceived to be if she'd grown up in Stoke-On-Trent" - BB's Preston

No, because I don't think a bunch of Brits want to stare at an anorexic who makes out with her dog. I like the fact that this random guy acknowledges that Paris is only perceived as attractive, not that she IS attractive. Because something about a girl who digs through her crotch on the beach doesnt scream attractive to me.apparently it only screams attractive to alcoholic backstreet boys, porn directors, and random ugly greek boys.

"I want to marry an English man. Ideally, I like the sound of Princess Paris." - Paris Hilton

Now, theres a lot of scandals in the British Royal Family. Prince Charles cheated on Diana, Prince Harry smokes weed, Prince William may or may not be a playboy..whatever. If theres ANYTHING the Royal Family doesnt need, its more bad press. And Im sure the last thing the Prince's want is and STD. That being said, there will not be a Prince William (or Harry)/Paris Hilton Wedding. Paris can give up the dream, no one of any moral standard or who has common sense will be crawling down the aisle with America's dream whore.

"I buy recycled toilet paper - it's all, like, brown." - Drew Barrymore

I wouldnt expect anything more from Drew Barrymore. I mean, she was a crack head at like 10 years old, she had sex in the bathroom with her boyfriend about 2 weeks ago not to mention humped Tom Green. Would I expect her to use pre-owned toilet paper? Absolutely.

Old News

Sadly, I started this blog last week, but due to my A.D.D. I lost interest before I finished it, so here it is, some outdated news.

How many Oxford Townies does it take to call in the FBI? 3, one to drive the rusted out Chrysler van, one to attract the oblivious, collar popping Miami student (it must've been that townie feminine charm), and one to beat the living shiznit out of him to steal his money. Go to jail townies, go directly to jail. Do not pass Kroger, do not collect a pack of Salem Lights and a Nati Light. If it weren't for Oxford, I might lose all hope for my own life.

Sam Malone, thank you for being on city council and spanking your child. It means your lawyer gets to leave us with knowledge nuggets like this, "The inner city isn't the same as Mayberry." No Kidding. I often think OTR is similar to Mayberry. Except that Mayberry is full of old white people, and Opie. OTR is full of crackheads, non-white people & gangsters (12 year old gangsters). Yo Opie, I need some crack, fo shizzle.

Why are high priced home being built in Bond Hill? No one in their right mind wants a $300,000 home in Bond Hill. I don't care WHAT the house looks like, it is not worth my life. I went to high school with a kid from Bond Hill. He got jumped once for his set of gold teeth. He also allegedly used to bring guns to school, not INTO school just in his car. In case someone was waiting for him in the parking lot. Anyways, back to this house idea, let's think about this. A bunch of poor, angry black people were kicked out of their apartments under the impression that the area would be re-developed and they would be invited back to live in newer apartments with comparable rent. Now they are raging pissed that rich white people are taking their land. Black people aren't like the Indians, they are going to sit in a tent and smoke a peace pipe on the 40 acres we alot them (and the mule..let's not forget the mule). Now these crackers are keeping them down (& out of their own hood), I expect these fabulous new houses to start being robbed and vandalized (think spray painting HONKY on the garage) within 24 hours of the first family moving in, so congratulations Cincinnati, for doing something else stupid. Honestly, I think city council could learn a lot from Nero. Burn the city, play the fiddle, start
over.

Congratulations Harrison! You made the news by going ghetto. Thanks for setting some toilet paper on fire and making my day.

And finally, a judgment that seems appropriate. A 32 year old man was sentenced to life in prison after being found guilty of raping is own 5 children (LITTLE children), and forcing them to watch him have sex with his insanely ugly wife (think baby hippo.....beat with an ugly stick). He videotaped this stuff and threatened to post it on the internet. Total pervert. I hope there's a crazy cannibal in prison waiting to rape this guy in the shower and then eat him....

Would I Lie? HECK YES

Ok, so I'm sick and tired of all this James Frey Million Little Pieces/Oprah feels duped drama. I feel the time has come for me to chime in, and then put it to rest.

First, on Oprah. Look lady, you are not Jesus! Does she know this? Becayse I don't thnk she does. If so much as a commercial for my least favorite Harpo airs, my dad will yell "I hate that feminist..I don't need men, yes you do Oprah!" I'm sorry she feels "duped", as if this is the first time someone has lied to Oprah in her life. She acts as if she thinks the entire world is honest and she is just now learning that people lie. Get over yourself Oprah. You are not the book goddess. It's not like the books on her list are so profound that the average boob couldn't read them. Heck, most high school kids have already read them. Not that they aren't good books, but it's not like Oprah discovered "Night", "East of Eden", or "The Poisonwood Bible." I mean, she pays people to read for her, THEN she puts them on her book list...who knows if she ever reads them herself. Just like I don't believe Kathy Lee ever wore her own clothes. Celebrities slap their name on everything that looks like it might make them money.

Now, onto James Frey. He lied..in a BOOK...should've called it fiction, instead slapped the word memoir on it and now the public is ready for a stoning. But here's the truth: Everyone who has ever written a memoir/autobiography/biography has exaggerated the truth to some extent. If you want to test this statement, go ahead and read two biographies of the same person, and you will see that I am right. You can't rely on human nature to tell the exact truth. And I think we can all agree, expecting the full & exact truth from a recovering frat-baby crack head is a lofty expectation to begin with, so cut the guy some slack. Even frat boys need to make a living eventually. Just because he embellished the truth...a lot, does that make the book any less good (or from what I understand, any more pathetic)? Does it change "the message" of the book? No.

If it were me...would I lie to get my book published? HECK YES. Why you ask? Because I need to eat. We've already established that I look like an anorexic train wreck. So yes, if it would make me money I would lie. Then take my liar's money and buy some tacos and a cherry coke. And UDF ice cream...lots of it.

p.s. Hasn't this happened before? I mean, wasn't teh book "Go Ask Alice" supposedly a true diary, and then it really wasn't? I guess that was the 70's and no one cared, hippies were cool that one time. Then they grew up, forgot about Alice and caned James Frey.

I'm Special, Helmet Special

Shoes? Ok, so my mom didn't throw shoes, but only because they weren't in arms reach. She's short though, so there's not much that IS in arms reach, but if it was, she'd throw it FO SHO!

So my room was always messy when I was little. Now my house is messy because I have more surface area with which to spread my messy wealth. So anyways, my mom got raging mad once about the mess...I was maybe 5 ok? And she had been threatening to "throw that junk" away for at least 2 years if I didn't keep my room clean. Well, get her pissed enough and she comes through with a hefty bag and a scowl! She actually grabbed my mattress & box springs and went to town throwing away the toys underneath my bed. I do mean throwing.

I was highly confused. I mean, if mom was going to take care of the mess couldn't I just go outside and play? No, I had to sit on the floor and watch my toys get thrown away. So, my brother comes in to sit and laugh at me. While he's sitting there laughing, mom chucked one of those toys right into his forehead. It actually cut him, there was a bump and blood and everything! The best part, mom didn't even stop throwing toys, she just told him he shouldn't sit in the way and to get a band-aid!

In the end Scott didn't have a concussion (as he swore he did, you know Scott Meyer 9 year old M.D.) and mom's threat was totally empty. That garbage bag ended up in a closet in our house and I would intermittently go back and take toys out. About 5 years later mom went to get the bag out of the closet and discovered it only contained about 4 puzzle pieces and a Mr. Potato Head ear ....I probably got in trouble for that too.