Where are the Jeffersons??

I'm moving on up! I'm advancing my blogging and moving to my own domain, come and read at:
http://www.onestraypea.com (be nice, it's a slow progression)

Tomatoes!

This hate makes me turn my niece into the family dog. I can’t stand tomatoes. They’re all mushy and seedy, like bad jell-o with stuff in it. Whenever I am out to eat with Haley, I scrape the tomatoes off my salad onto her plate. She doesn’t mind, because if I don’t offer them she makes sure to ask (politely of course!). There’s simply something repulsive about tomatoes. I do not like the taste, but that’s not what makes me gag. It’s the fact that they get so slimey and runny. You make one slice in those juice balloons and there is just stuff everywhere. What appears to be water with blood cells in it comes running out, the inner pulp falls apart and my nose turns up at the sight. I won’t even eat a lettuce leaf out of my salad if it has so much as a tomato seed on it. It’s too nasty, and from a girl who spent time cutting up dead people, that says a lot.

I’ve spent most of my life listening to my parents say, “I think we brought home the wrong child, who doesn’t eat tomatoes?” Well mom and dad, the same child who doesn’t eat green beans, meat loaf, vegetable soup, roast beef, chili, salisbury steak, white rice or food that gets cooked together in one big pot because I prefer my food segregated. I might be a picky eater. Even Haley says, “I won’t ever understand why you don’t like tomatoes Aunt Nikki.” She says this as she crams a handful of diced tomatoes in her mouth and a little part of me dies.

I know you’re thinking this, so I’ll go ahead and answer: no, I do not eat ketchup, yes I do eat sauce on my spaghetti and I like pizza sauce. Yes I understand they are tomato by-products but if I don’t have to see the chunks, I won’t blow them.

Tomatoes!

This hate makes me turn my niece into the family dog. I can’t stand tomatoes. They’re all mushy and seedy, like bad jell-o with stuff in it. Whenever I am out to eat with Haley, I scrape the tomatoes off my salad onto her plate. She doesn’t mind, because if I don’t offer them she makes sure to ask (politely of course!). There’s simply something repulsive about tomatoes. I do not like the taste, but that’s not what makes me gag. It’s the fact that they get so slimey and runny. You make one slice in those juice balloons and there is just stuff everywhere. What appears to be water with blood cells in it comes running out, the inner pulp falls apart and my nose turns up at the sight. I won’t even eat a lettuce leaf out of my salad if it has so much as a tomato seed on it. It’s too nasty, and from a girl who spent time cutting up dead people, that says a lot.

I’ve spent most of my life listening to my parents say, “I think we brought home the wrong child, who doesn’t eat tomatoes?” Well mom and dad, the same child who doesn’t eat green beans, meat loaf, vegetable soup, roast beef, chili, salisbury steak, white rice or food that gets cooked together in one big pot because I prefer my food segregated. I might be a picky eater. Even Haley says, “I won’t ever understand why you don’t like tomatoes Aunt Nikki.” She says this as she crams a handful of diced tomatoes in her mouth and a little part of me dies.

I know you’re thinking this, so I’ll go ahead and answer: no, I do not eat ketchup, yes I do eat sauce on my spaghetti and I like pizza sauce. Yes I understand they are tomato by-products but if I don’t have to see the chunks, I won’t blow them.

A Hate With An Identity Crisis

Not only does this hate not make any sense, it’s suffering an identity crisis because it’s simultaneously disgusting and delicious. I can’t stand the texture of beans when I eat them. They’re so pasty and gross on the roof of my mouth. Truth be told, I hate the texture so much that I try not to chew when I’m eating any sort of bean cuisine. What’s even more awesome than hating the texture of beans? The fact that I enjoy both black beans, or white chicken chili (which has beans). However, every time I eat them I get that grit in my mouth as if I have just chewed on a piece of sandpaper. It keeps my bean intake relatively low, which may be the saving grace to my marriage..afterall, beans are the musical fruit.

The best part of not liking beans is that I won’t eat real chili, you know, “Texas chili”. Before we were married, my Texan husband’s grandmother gave me her recipe for chili, telling me how much my husband enjoyed it as a young boy. I smiled and accepted it, but all I could think was “It’ll be a cold day before he enjoys it again”. As a child, I would actually starve on nights when we had chili because I wasn’t about to put that spoonful of yuck in my mouth, there wasn’t enough cheese in the world to make it all better. The beans are only 1/3 of the reason I won’t eat chili, the other 2/3 are a combination of meat and tomatoes which I also do not enjoy.

Finally, the WORST beans of all. When I go to a Mexican restaurant I will not even eat and item if it touches that chunky diarrhea they call “refried beans”. Those aren’t beans, I could hang wall paper with that goop! I would die as a Mexican.

Fun and Educational bean fact for the day: Everyone has heard that beans are a good source of protein. This is only a half truth, as beans are only a good source of protein if combined with a grain. Remember that when you go vegetarian.

Bringing Out My Autistic Side

This hate gives me the heebie jeebies and makes me believe that I might be mildly autistic (just like my dog). I literally cringe when I think about it. I HATE the way velvet feels, and this is where the autistic part comes in. I think that my brain cannot handle this sensation and it makes me want to scream and pull my skin off. I don’t think velvet is soft, I think it’s scratchy and when I touch it I can literally feel it in my eyes. I’m not joking, I can feel the texture with my eyes (I’m magical like a friggin’ unicorn). I feel bad for those poor babies dressed in velvet for their Christmas pictures, but not so bad that I wouldn’t punch them. Honestly, Need to punch babies + Close proximity = Path of least resistance, you get the picture, if they get to close these velvet babies are getting punched! Oh look, I made this fun AND educational by adding an equation. I should be teaching kids to finger paint….

Get a tissue

And the bodily functions just keep on coming, however this one is not even cute on babies. I simply hate snot. Not so much when someone blows their nose, I mean, I live in Cincinnati, with the allergies around here if I got nauseous every time you blew your nose, I’d just walk around with an airsick bag taped to my chin.

There’s something about that trickle of snot that starts coming out that I find horrid. When babies have snot coming out, I feel bad, it’s not like they know what to do. If you’re over the age of 4 and you don’t realize you need a tissue you’re either demented or your disgusting. There was this girl in high school who ALWAYS needed a tissue, I mean really, should a senior in high school need to be told she needs a tissue? Maybe it’s not so much the snot that I can’t stand, but rather the lack of hygiene.

Sorry this is short and not even remotely entertaining, it’s been a rough day.

Cute for Babies, NOT for Adults

There's this thing that babies do, and it's completely normal, in a lot of ways it's actually kind of cute. However, when adults do it I can't stand it, it's not cute and it's actually quite gross. What am I referring to? DROOLING.

I cannot stand the site of an adult drooling. When I see a baby drool I smile and my first instinct is to wipe it off, with my hand even if I know the baby. On the flip side, when I see an adult drooling all over themselves, I don't even think to get them a drool cup. I don't even feel bad either, I just try to control the urge to vomit. Feces, no problem, adult drool, peace out.

I once had an experience with a patient who was described to me as “kind of a pervert”. So here I am with this man who’s had a stroke, secondary to long term alcohol abuse (and he’s detoxing), he can’t talk but rather grunts out odd sounds, and he’s staring at me with one droopy eye and a mouthful of drool oozing out. I was glad that I was just there to observe and not actually do anything. It allowed me the freedom to sit in the corner, rocking back and forth and think of unicorns. Trust me, it helps with the nausea.

Another Smelly Blog

While we're on the smelly subjects, I might as well continue the journey. This is the one that baffles the minds of many people, but honestly, I cannot stand the smell of coffee. Everyone knows that person who says, "I don't drink coffee, it always smells good but I just don't like the taste." Well, I am not that person. Unlike green beans, I don't have any traumatic childhood experiences for this hate, I just don't like the smell. However, unlike green beans, I have actually tasted coffee. My beloved went through this not brief enough phase where he wanted to drink coffee. I tried it once and decided that it's not the caffeine that wakes you up, but rather the sensation that you may have just ingested mud. Even chocolate didn't help, and I tend to peace out on things that are beyond the healing powers of chocolate.

I have also found that there are coffee associated smells that are actually WORSE than the smell of fresh brewed coffee. For instance, stale coffee makes me nauseous. I was so upset when Meijer put in the Starbucks up front because it meant all those "classy" broads from West Chester could leave their half empty Venti mocha latte grossay cup o'yuck on the shelf for me to dispose of later in the day. Actually, there was a day when one of these yuppies spilled her coffee all over the place and then continued to wander off as if nothing happened and I looked at my co-worker (of South American decent) and said "I can't clean this up, the smell is going to make me puke" and she replied, "I love the smell of coffee," to which I snapped "that's because you're half Columbian, your blood is 50% coffee!" True story.

Other horrid coffee associated smells: Coffee breath, seriously..it's called a mint. Shove an Altoids in that orifice! Even worse, smokers with coffee breath. As if the coffee might mask that horrendous odor? No, it amplifies it and makes your teeth ten times as yellow. Please, don't stand so close to me, your breath is literally melting my skin off. Oh and just an FYI, coffee is a bowel irritant, if that helps explains your morning case of the runs.