Merry Christmas!

It’s a record breaking year in Cincinnati…for homicides, which makes us totally awesome. However, WHAT’S the biggest news story on WKRC.com? The death of James Brown. Yup, it’s official, even the news is completely bored with the news in this town. 83 homicides thus far and CPD is STILL more concerned with speeding motorists than preventing violent crime. Oh, and Simon Leis is still completely crazy. Ask me again why I refuse to live in Hamilton County ever again.

Last year I blessed you all with the 10 Awesomes of Christmas. While I can’t come up with 10 more awesome things, I will bestow a new Christmas awesome on you. Count this as your gift from me, because I don’t even send out cards. My new awesome of Christmas is: My mom owns stock in Scotch tape. She won’t admit it, but if you saw any present she wrapped, you’d understand.

I can remember, as a child, being at Grandma Meyer’s on Christmas day and hearing someone say, “Linda must’ve wrapped this one”, followed by approximately 3 and a half minutes of ripping and annoyed sighs, only to FINALLY get through all of that paper and tape to discover my mom had taped the box shut as well. I can also remember being a young child…we’re talking like 5 here, and asking my dad for a pocket knife to open the clothes my mom wrapped because I couldn’t get the box open. What’s more awesome? I was 5 and my dad let me use the knife myself.

You know what’s even more awesome? I’ve turned into my mom…..

Gettin' DIRRTY! Not Really, I Mean, Not Even At All...

So, I don't normally air out my dirty laundry (or clean laundry for that matter) online, however I'm making this one time exception for humor's sake. I'm having a cholecystectomy next week. Don't ask, google it. Anyways, so today I had to call and pre-register myself. I love the questions that they ask: "Do you drink? Smoke" Do any illegal drugs such as marijuana or cocaine?" Really, just ONCE I want to answer, "I don't smoke the ganja, but I boot black tar heroin and I use dirty needles, is this going to be a problem?" Maybe next time...

Then I got to answer the fun questions like "Do you have liver disease such as hepatitis? Any sexually transmitted viruses such as HIV or Herpes? Are you pregnant?" Yes, all of the above...except herpes, what kind of girl do you think I am? They did NOT ask if I'm carrying tuberculosis. I plan on coughing all over everything and then announcing the possibility of TB....stay tuned. Actually, don't stay tuned, because Aaron will ruin all of that intended fun, fo' sho!

Hmm, this Fly Pen thing, where was it when I was busy not doing my algebra homework? Mrs. Chamberlin and I would've gotten along a lot better if I'd had one of those things in high school. I also wouldn't have had to pretend to care about Amanda's "boy problems" in order to steal her algebra 2 and calculus homework. DARN YOU CRAZY FLY PEN! You're 10 years too late.

So, I worked Big & Tall the other night. It's quite hilarious actually, short and skinny working in big and tall. So this guy comes up with a pair of pants, size 50x29. I'm not lying, they actually make that size..and larger. I was not NEARLY as astounded by his girth as I was by the overpowering smell of Big Mac that followed him. Is it any wonder why his 7 year old certainly out-weighed me by at least 15 pounds? Not that 15 on top of a buck-o-nothing is a big deal, but should a first grader be larger than a 25 year old? I don't think so. I mean, when McDonald's actually oozes out of your pores, you've spent WAAAY too much money on that Super Size deal. I'm also 94.6% positive that this man was sweating mayonnaise.