Sugar Snap Peas

Where are the Jeffersons??

2007-02-05T23:55:00.000-05:00

I'm moving on up! I'm advancing my blogging and moving to my own domain, come and read at:
http://www.onestraypea.com (be nice, it's a slow progression)

Tomatoes!

2007-02-04T23:46:00.001-05:00

This hate makes me turn my niece into the family dog. I can’t stand tomatoes. They’re all mushy and seedy, like bad jell-o with stuff in it. Whenever I am out to eat with Haley, I scrape the tomatoes off my salad onto her plate. She doesn’t mind, because if I don’t offer them she makes sure to ask (politely of course!). There’s simply something repulsive about tomatoes. I do not like the taste, but that’s not what makes me gag. It’s the fact that they get so slimey and runny. You make one slice in those juice balloons and there is just stuff everywhere. What appears to be water with blood cells in it comes running out, the inner pulp falls apart and my nose turns up at the sight. I won’t even eat a lettuce leaf out of my salad if it has so much as a tomato seed on it. It’s too nasty, and from a girl who spent time cutting up dead people, that says a lot.

I’ve spent most of my life listening to my parents say, “I think we brought home the wrong child, who doesn’t eat tomatoes?” Well mom and dad, the same child who doesn’t eat green beans, meat loaf, vegetable soup, roast beef, chili, salisbury steak, white rice or food that gets cooked together in one big pot because I prefer my food segregated. I might be a picky eater. Even Haley says, “I won’t ever understand why you don’t like tomatoes Aunt Nikki.” She says this as she crams a handful of diced tomatoes in her mouth and a little part of me dies.

I know you’re thinking this, so I’ll go ahead and answer: no, I do not eat ketchup, yes I do eat sauce on my spaghetti and I like pizza sauce. Yes I understand they are tomato by-products but if I don’t have to see the chunks, I won’t blow them.

Tomatoes!

2007-02-04T23:46:00.000-05:00

A Hate With An Identity Crisis

2007-02-03T20:25:00.000-05:00

Not only does this hate not make any sense, it’s suffering an identity crisis because it’s simultaneously disgusting and delicious. I can’t stand the texture of beans when I eat them. They’re so pasty and gross on the roof of my mouth. Truth be told, I hate the texture so much that I try not to chew when I’m eating any sort of bean cuisine. What’s even more awesome than hating the texture of beans? The fact that I enjoy both black beans, or white chicken chili (which has beans). However, every time I eat them I get that grit in my mouth as if I have just chewed on a piece of sandpaper. It keeps my bean intake relatively low, which may be the saving grace to my marriage..afterall, beans are the musical fruit.

The best part of not liking beans is that I won’t eat real chili, you know, “Texas chili”. Before we were married, my Texan husband’s grandmother gave me her recipe for chili, telling me how much my husband enjoyed it as a young boy. I smiled and accepted it, but all I could think was “It’ll be a cold day before he enjoys it again”. As a child, I would actually starve on nights when we had chili because I wasn’t about to put that spoonful of yuck in my mouth, there wasn’t enough cheese in the world to make it all better. The beans are only 1/3 of the reason I won’t eat chili, the other 2/3 are a combination of meat and tomatoes which I also do not enjoy.

Finally, the WORST beans of all. When I go to a Mexican restaurant I will not even eat and item if it touches that chunky diarrhea they call “refried beans”. Those aren’t beans, I could hang wall paper with that goop! I would die as a Mexican.

Fun and Educational bean fact for the day: Everyone has heard that beans are a good source of protein. This is only a half truth, as beans are only a good source of protein if combined with a grain. Remember that when you go vegetarian.

Bringing Out My Autistic Side

2007-02-02T22:47:00.000-05:00

This hate gives me the heebie jeebies and makes me believe that I might be mildly autistic (just like my dog). I literally cringe when I think about it. I HATE the way velvet feels, and this is where the autistic part comes in. I think that my brain cannot handle this sensation and it makes me want to scream and pull my skin off. I don’t think velvet is soft, I think it’s scratchy and when I touch it I can literally feel it in my eyes. I’m not joking, I can feel the texture with my eyes (I’m magical like a friggin’ unicorn). I feel bad for those poor babies dressed in velvet for their Christmas pictures, but not so bad that I wouldn’t punch them. Honestly, Need to punch babies + Close proximity = Path of least resistance, you get the picture, if they get to close these velvet babies are getting punched! Oh look, I made this fun AND educational by adding an equation. I should be teaching kids to finger paint….

Get a tissue

2007-02-01T23:31:00.001-05:00

And the bodily functions just keep on coming, however this one is not even cute on babies. I simply hate snot. Not so much when someone blows their nose, I mean, I live in Cincinnati, with the allergies around here if I got nauseous every time you blew your nose, I’d just walk around with an airsick bag taped to my chin.

There’s something about that trickle of snot that starts coming out that I find horrid. When babies have snot coming out, I feel bad, it’s not like they know what to do. If you’re over the age of 4 and you don’t realize you need a tissue you’re either demented or your disgusting. There was this girl in high school who ALWAYS needed a tissue, I mean really, should a senior in high school need to be told she needs a tissue? Maybe it’s not so much the snot that I can’t stand, but rather the lack of hygiene.

Sorry this is short and not even remotely entertaining, it’s been a rough day.

Cute for Babies, NOT for Adults

2007-01-31T19:03:00.000-05:00

There's this thing that babies do, and it's completely normal, in a lot of ways it's actually kind of cute. However, when adults do it I can't stand it, it's not cute and it's actually quite gross. What am I referring to? DROOLING.

I cannot stand the site of an adult drooling. When I see a baby drool I smile and my first instinct is to wipe it off, with my hand even if I know the baby. On the flip side, when I see an adult drooling all over themselves, I don't even think to get them a drool cup. I don't even feel bad either, I just try to control the urge to vomit. Feces, no problem, adult drool, peace out.

I once had an experience with a patient who was described to me as “kind of a pervert”. So here I am with this man who’s had a stroke, secondary to long term alcohol abuse (and he’s detoxing), he can’t talk but rather grunts out odd sounds, and he’s staring at me with one droopy eye and a mouthful of drool oozing out. I was glad that I was just there to observe and not actually do anything. It allowed me the freedom to sit in the corner, rocking back and forth and think of unicorns. Trust me, it helps with the nausea.

Another Smelly Blog

2007-01-30T23:01:00.000-05:00

While we're on the smelly subjects, I might as well continue the journey. This is the one that baffles the minds of many people, but honestly, I cannot stand the smell of coffee. Everyone knows that person who says, "I don't drink coffee, it always smells good but I just don't like the taste." Well, I am not that person. Unlike green beans, I don't have any traumatic childhood experiences for this hate, I just don't like the smell. However, unlike green beans, I have actually tasted coffee. My beloved went through this not brief enough phase where he wanted to drink coffee. I tried it once and decided that it's not the caffeine that wakes you up, but rather the sensation that you may have just ingested mud. Even chocolate didn't help, and I tend to peace out on things that are beyond the healing powers of chocolate.

I have also found that there are coffee associated smells that are actually WORSE than the smell of fresh brewed coffee. For instance, stale coffee makes me nauseous. I was so upset when Meijer put in the Starbucks up front because it meant all those "classy" broads from West Chester could leave their half empty Venti mocha latte grossay cup o'yuck on the shelf for me to dispose of later in the day. Actually, there was a day when one of these yuppies spilled her coffee all over the place and then continued to wander off as if nothing happened and I looked at my co-worker (of South American decent) and said "I can't clean this up, the smell is going to make me puke" and she replied, "I love the smell of coffee," to which I snapped "that's because you're half Columbian, your blood is 50% coffee!" True story.

Other horrid coffee associated smells: Coffee breath, seriously..it's called a mint. Shove an Altoids in that orifice! Even worse, smokers with coffee breath. As if the coffee might mask that horrendous odor? No, it amplifies it and makes your teeth ten times as yellow. Please, don't stand so close to me, your breath is literally melting my skin off. Oh and just an FYI, coffee is a bowel irritant, if that helps explains your morning case of the runs.

Things I Cannot Stand: Numero Uno

2007-01-29T14:55:00.000-05:00

As promised, this is the beginning of my series, Things I Cannot Stand. Again, these are in no particular order because I hate equally, so here you go, the first thing I cannot stand.

#1- The smell of green beans. It's true, it makes me gag. This all goes back to my early childhood when my mom thought it was a truly swell idea to can her own green beans. Who does that? And why on earth is it called canning if you put it into jars? Shouldn't we just call it jarring? But anyways, my mom would "can" her own green beans and it made our house reek like some sort of old cat came in and urinated everywhere just before dying, then a rude house guest came in and spilled 3 day old coffee everywhere. I'm not kidding. It smelled like old coffee and pee..and dead animals, mixed. As if that wasn't bad enough, that horrid odor concoction stayed in the house for DAYS. After that smell, there truly wasn't an ice cubes chance that shizzle was going to touch my tongue.

I actually remember seeing one of those fire safety things on TV telling you to put a blanket at the bottom of the door to keep the smoke out, so I tried it, seeing if it would keep that smell out. Let me tell you, that suggestion is going to kill a lot of children. It didn't even help filter the odor, I just ended up with a stinky blanket and no place to hide from the smell. Now my mom hasn't canned her own anything since circa 1986, but I can still smell that old coffee and pee-pee badness, and it's still burning my nose hairs. I honestly believe that green beans (and okra) are gifts from hell, so thank you satan. To this day I will not even try green beans because of how horrible they smell. However, I married a man who likes green beans (and okra..what is wrong with this person who pays my bills?) and I believe if he could just change one thing about me, he'd make me cook green beans. I hope he's not holding his breath....he'll die fo' sho!

Oh, and by the way, I think there’s still at least one jar each of canned green beans and canned tomatoes in my parent’s basement. It’s like my mom was saving during the cold war, you know just in case, but that came and went, and Y2K came and went and at this point I think there’s some sort of emotional attachment to them.

Let's Get Excited!

2007-01-28T23:09:00.001-05:00

I'm going to spend the next 25 days trying to blog consistently, for your reading pleasure. The topic: 25 things I Cannot Stand. These will be in no particular order, because I don't discriminate and when I hate, I hate equally. You could say "That Nikki, she's an equal opportunity hater". Oh, you're gonna love this.....

ps - i can't wait for you to all know how utterly ridiculous and neurotic I really am

A Football Blog: Why the NFC Has No Chance of Winning the Super Bowl…

2007-01-23T17:57:00.000-05:00

One word: QUARTERBACKS! For pity’s sake, why is it that when I watch any NFC match-up I feel like I’m watching a marginally good D4 college quarterback? Where did they even find these guys? Eastern Illinois? Well THERE’S a football powerhouse! One of the best quarterbacks in the conference is Jon Kitna! I think I’ve made my point right there. How did they even pick for the Pro-Bowl? Whoever sucked the least, so congrats Drew, you’re the top of the suck pile.

When I see Peyton Manning throw the ball, I am amazed. When I see Carson Palmer throw the ball, again I am amazed. When I see Matt Hasslebeck throw the ball, I collapse in a fit of laughter. When I see Eli Manning throw the ball, I think Manning family step-child. When I see Rex Grossman throw the ball, I think a lot of things but none of them are good. Whoever drafted him should be F to the IRED! I also think, wow, maybe the Bears should discuss a contract with Brett Favre. I’ll give credit where credit is due, Drew Brees doesn’t throw terrible for a guy who just had his shoulder repaired. He’s better than Tony Romo fo’ sho!

During the NFC Championship game today, the announcer repeated a quote from Rex Grossman who says, “Any gray area, you throw it (the ball) away”. Apparently for Rex a gray area is any time you could get a first down or a man is wide open in the end zone. Pretty much for Rexy, the FIELD is a gray area. How in the heck is he in the Super Bowl? At one point this season he’d thrown more interceptions than 12 NFL teams combined.

So our Super Bowl match up is a laser rocket arm vs. a scared girl in a gray area? Yeah, Go Colts!

Things That Make Me Want to Stab Myself: A Traveling Blog

2007-01-10T09:44:00.000-05:00

So Aaron and I just got back from another trip to Texas and I was reminded once again why I should become a hermit. When boarding the plane, typically they board by zones, right? Well, if they are boarding zones 1 and 2 and you are in any other zone, SIT THE HECK DOWN! There’s no reason in the world for all of zone 4 to be roaming around the general vicinity of the line, like a bunch of confused primates, as if they are even close to boarding. When it’s my turn to board, I can’t even begin to FIND the line through this group of ignorant baboons.

What irritates me even more about these non-boarding passengers is that not only do they wander about so you can’t find the actual line; they get up near the entrance and then just stop. It’s like those people who walk into the entrance of a building and just stop right in the middle of your way. THEN, in an annoying turn of ironic events, they get mad at you when you run into them because they are completely stupid. Look granny, if you’d have stayed in your seat until zone 5 was called, none of this would’ve ever happened so TAKE A SEAT! Your seat is only 4 and a half feet away from the plane, I promise, they won’t leave you behind (much to my dismay).

Then after we all hurry up to wait, we have to stand in line while waiting for those boobs who are desperately trying to shove their gigantic Louis Vitton “carry on” bags in the overhead compartment. Anyone within a stones throw can see that these bags don’t have an ice cubes chance of fitting in that compartment. However, every time I get on a plane there’s a plethora of sorority girls (donned in the official college hoodie and UGGS, as if to appear more like the rest of us common folk), business men (who seriously have traveled enough to KNOW that bag isn’t going to fit), and old people (who previously stood in my way and are really starting to irk me) trying to shove half of their household belongings into the overhead bins. Then, the person behind me will sigh loudly, not only blowing one of my ear drums, but moistening my neck with their nasty, hot, coffee breath. CHECK YOUR BAG! Seriously, it takes all of 5 minutes to get your bag, and you’re not going anywhere in those 5 minutes anyways because you’ll probably be spending it in the bathroom. Honestly, traveling is enough to make me want to kick old people or punch children.

Merry Christmas!

2006-12-25T23:19:00.000-05:00

It’s a record breaking year in Cincinnati…for homicides, which makes us totally awesome. However, WHAT’S the biggest news story on WKRC.com? The death of James Brown. Yup, it’s official, even the news is completely bored with the news in this town. 83 homicides thus far and CPD is STILL more concerned with speeding motorists than preventing violent crime. Oh, and Simon Leis is still completely crazy. Ask me again why I refuse to live in Hamilton County ever again.

Last year I blessed you all with the 10 Awesomes of Christmas. While I can’t come up with 10 more awesome things, I will bestow a new Christmas awesome on you. Count this as your gift from me, because I don’t even send out cards. My new awesome of Christmas is: My mom owns stock in Scotch tape. She won’t admit it, but if you saw any present she wrapped, you’d understand.

I can remember, as a child, being at Grandma Meyer’s on Christmas day and hearing someone say, “Linda must’ve wrapped this one”, followed by approximately 3 and a half minutes of ripping and annoyed sighs, only to FINALLY get through all of that paper and tape to discover my mom had taped the box shut as well. I can also remember being a young child…we’re talking like 5 here, and asking my dad for a pocket knife to open the clothes my mom wrapped because I couldn’t get the box open. What’s more awesome? I was 5 and my dad let me use the knife myself.

You know what’s even more awesome? I’ve turned into my mom…..

Gettin' DIRRTY! Not Really, I Mean, Not Even At All...

2006-12-07T23:13:00.000-05:00

So, I don't normally air out my dirty laundry (or clean laundry for that matter) online, however I'm making this one time exception for humor's sake. I'm having a cholecystectomy next week. Don't ask, google it. Anyways, so today I had to call and pre-register myself. I love the questions that they ask: "Do you drink? Smoke" Do any illegal drugs such as marijuana or cocaine?" Really, just ONCE I want to answer, "I don't smoke the ganja, but I boot black tar heroin and I use dirty needles, is this going to be a problem?" Maybe next time...

Then I got to answer the fun questions like "Do you have liver disease such as hepatitis? Any sexually transmitted viruses such as HIV or Herpes? Are you pregnant?" Yes, all of the above...except herpes, what kind of girl do you think I am? They did NOT ask if I'm carrying tuberculosis. I plan on coughing all over everything and then announcing the possibility of TB....stay tuned. Actually, don't stay tuned, because Aaron will ruin all of that intended fun, fo' sho!

Hmm, this Fly Pen thing, where was it when I was busy not doing my algebra homework? Mrs. Chamberlin and I would've gotten along a lot better if I'd had one of those things in high school. I also wouldn't have had to pretend to care about Amanda's "boy problems" in order to steal her algebra 2 and calculus homework. DARN YOU CRAZY FLY PEN! You're 10 years too late.

So, I worked Big & Tall the other night. It's quite hilarious actually, short and skinny working in big and tall. So this guy comes up with a pair of pants, size 50x29. I'm not lying, they actually make that size..and larger. I was not NEARLY as astounded by his girth as I was by the overpowering smell of Big Mac that followed him. Is it any wonder why his 7 year old certainly out-weighed me by at least 15 pounds? Not that 15 on top of a buck-o-nothing is a big deal, but should a first grader be larger than a 25 year old? I don't think so. I mean, when McDonald's actually oozes out of your pores, you've spent WAAAY too much money on that Super Size deal. I'm also 94.6% positive that this man was sweating mayonnaise.

A Short Blog To Wet Your Thanksgiving Palate...

2006-11-22T22:44:00.000-05:00

It's been a while, and the last time I blogged I had to spar with Thomas, so I'm just going to say it's Thanksgiving, can't we all just get along? So here's a short blog:

Last weekend there was a shooting in downtown. Apparently some lunatic is riding around with an assault rifle in his car. He killed one person and injured at least three others (the news gives conflicting reports and I'm far to lazy to sort that out). To echo the thoughts of a co-worker of mine, what ever happened to hand guns?! Wait, scratch that. Whatever happened to a good ole' fashioned beat down? Or claw hammers. An AK-47? Now that's just uncalled for, and downright cowardly. To the shooter, I advise you to grow a couple. Seriously.

Yesterday Australian swimming superstar, Ian Thorpe, decided to peace out on swimming at the ripe old age of 24. I am the only person outside of kangaroo country who cares. Who am I supposed to make fun of during the 2008 Summer Olympics? I mean, Michael Phelps DUI was too long ago to bring back up and provides only minimal amusement anyways. The swimming community may lament the loss of a great competitor, I lament the loss of such a ridiculous nickname like "Thorpedo" and all the bad puns that go with it.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Untitled: Because There's Just So Many Ways To Go...

2006-10-26T14:19:00.000-05:00

I initially thought of so many titles for this blog, such as: “Why Weren’t You Getting Ready For School?”, “Should You Really Shoot Someone Over a 12 Year Old Car?”, “Where Were Your Parents?!”, or “Sometimes People Deserve To Have Their Stuff Stolen”. However, some people may have found those titles insensitive so I chose the rather ambiguous title (or non-title).

So, here’s the deal, a man with a conceal and carry permit shoots a 14 year old boy for stealing his 1994 Ford Taurus. However, I feel that this genius kind of deserved to have his car stolen. HORROR! You say? No one deserves to have their property stolen! While you might think this is true, you’re wrong. Let me tell you why – if you are so dumb that you go start your car and leave it running, unlocked in the driveway..in Kennedy Heights of all places, you deserve to have your car stolen. Last time I checked, Kennedy Heights was NOT the new Hamilton Township. I mean, a neighbor on this street says “I heard the gunshots and the car wreck, but I didn’t think they were related”. Notice this man does not say “When I was dialing 9-1-1 to report gunshots I didn’t realize the two noises were related.” If you have a nonchalant attitude towards neighborhood gun fire, it should be a clue that you need to move.

Allow me to expand a little on a rule penned by my brother, stolen by me. If it contains the word “heights” or “hill(s)” in it, it’s probably not a place you want to hang out, much less live. For example, Arlington Heights, Kennedy Heights, Bond Hill, Price Hill..surely you’re getting the point here. If not, you should probably consider a Kevlar vest, because I feel there’s at least an 84.6% chance you’re frequenting these areas and that would really be ill-advised. Oh, and for those of you saying, “College Hill isn’t that bad!”, that’s because it’s situated next to North College Hill, so comparatively speaking, no it’s not that bad. However, it’s not that good either!

Back to my original story, although I have approximately 54 unanswered questions I’ll spare you the comprehensive list. Why wasn’t this kid at home, getting ready for school? He supposedly lived in Fairmount but was in Kennedy Heights? These places aren’t even close. He’s being referred to as “semi-homeless” because his mom had 7 other kids and there was no room in the inn for him. This still doesn’t explain why he’s across town. How does a 14 year old end up with a record that includes breaking and entering and would have included grand theft auto? Where does one get this much free time?

I think there’s an extreme lack of perspective here. A 61 year old man claims his life was threatened by someone stealing his car and driving AWAY from him. Explain this to me, please. While you’re at it, explain to me why you’re shooting someone over a 12 year old car. Don’t cry at me that “it’s all I can afford.” Because that’s what you have insurance for, in case your stuff gets stolen. If he didn't have proper insurance to cover his stolen vehicle, his tough luck. Insurance is asset protection, if you don't protect your assets then maybe you don't deserve to have them.This lack of logic may very well fail this old man in the end.

Leading me to my next point, this man is getting to be elderly. I don’t have a problem with legal guns and proper permits, but I think there should be some sort of age limit/rationale test included. It’s a known fact that the most dangerous people behind the wheel are teenagers (which apparently includes 14 year olds..Brian Lowry) and the elderly. What makes us think that these people would be anymore safe with a gun?! The elderly have a slower reaction time and I would guess are more prone to feel threatened because they feel vulnerable in the presence of us whipper-snappers. Qualifying for Medicare does not qualify you to kill ‘em all and let God sort them out.

In the end, you can’t shoot a kid for stealing your property when there’s a large possibility it’s your own fault.

Homework and Gold Diggers

2006-09-29T02:02:00.000-05:00

How can you tell that your town is ridiculous? Because it takes literally nothing more than the threat of sunshine, a jacket and a handful of school work to induce panic and shut down the highway.

Ronald Reagan Highway was closed today in both directions because there was a “suspicious package” on the highway. By suspicious package they meant a red backpack, which means the bomb squad had to come and disarm the coat and school work that were found inside the bag. Yes, Cincinnati shut down the highway for 2 hours for a handful of math homework. That would've been an AWESOME excuse in high school, "I'm sorry Mrs. Chamberlin, but the bomb squad blew up my algebra homework..."

Let me clear my throat, ahem: A Marcus Fiesel rant.

After Marcus was tragically killed his mother filed a multi-million dollar lawsuit against Butler County and other parties involved, claiming it was not about the money. Bull. You don’t sue for $5 million when it’s not about the money. Second, don’t allege that you were deprived the love and affection of your child when he was reportedly found wandering the streets while in your custody. Meanwhile, it’s now being reported that she wanted to give up custody. I say she gave up custody when her child was falling out of windows and wandering the streets at 3 years old. I think maybe she should step up and say, “My child wouldn’t be dead today if I was a real parent.” So, Donna Trevino, I roll my eyes in your general direction. He was deprived, not you, so go back to the trailer and listen for the freight train. Good luck finding the jury that will award you more than a stale dinner mint and a handful of airline peanuts..and no, not the honey roasted ones either!

Why I Am The Tip Nazi

2006-09-24T23:40:00.000-05:00

It was all over the news last week that waiters and waitresses not only expect a tip, but they want a 20% automatic gratuity added to checks. Jigga huh? Let's discuss this further shall we?

I am notorious for not tipping well. My bestest friend has thus dubbed me "tip nazi". I believe the conversation at dinner went something like this:
Me: "So, what should I give her, like a penny?"
Kristen: "You are the tip nazi!"
However, I don't tip well because on average I don't even get average service. My meal gets dropped, comes out wrong, comes out cold, comes out and I don't even know what it is because I didn't order vomit in a bowl, I ordered a chicken wrap. These items don't even come on the same type of dish!

As a waitress, yes you only make a couple of bucks and a free mint on the hour. However, an overview of your job: write down my order and then bring it out. In some cases, you just have to write it down because a runner brings it out. This isn't rocket science, it's food service. Key word being SERVICE. I'm paying for a service and if that service is not provided I don't feel the need to pay extra for it. I might not outright stiff a waitress (although, I wouldn't put it passed me), but I'm not giving a $10 tip if my food is cold. You can't blame the cook if my food is cold, because that means the waitress didn't bring it out.

Cut them some slack? It's a stressful job? Yeah, I don't doubt that, which is why I'm not a waitress. I don't have the patience for that. However, they signed up for that job, not me. Don't punish ME because you hate your job. It's your job to serve people, so stop complaining. You want a better tip, give better service! I don't ask for much, keep my drink refilled, bring the correct food, and hold the tomatoes.

Hamilton County Needs a New Jail...a Lenghty Blog

2006-08-25T00:00:00.000-05:00

Ok, I haven’t touched on the Hamilton County Jail issue yet, because I didn’t really think I had much to say. Thoughts tend to lie dormant in my mind and suddenly I’ve got so much to say and so little time. Comments made last week by our own Hamilton County Sheriff Simon Leis (who couldn’t look or act MORE like the poster child for “Grumpy Old Men”) and some random lady from Westwood or Cheviot or who cares because the west side is all the same, caused me to become conscious of my feelings concerning this issue. I’ll start with the latter of the two comments.

Random Lady says, “If you don’t want to build a new jail I’m sure Sheriff Simon Leis will be more than happy to drop these criminals off at your house so you can baby sit them.” Yeah, that might not be a direct quote, so don’t lynch me. She did say that part about baby sitting though, which I think is hilarious. Number one, threatening to drop criminals off at people’s houses, mental image = more than mildly amusing. Plus it beats the heck out of dropping them off in Butler County. What if they escape?! Well, then they’d have to contend with Big Rick Jones, and he pretty much hates everyone I think. Number two, comparing Hamilton County’s finest to glorified baby sitters, well, I wouldn’t go THAT far, but I’d say she had just about hit the nail on the head. Stay with me here. Without adequate jail space what other choice do they have than to just release these animals into the wild and hope for the best? All they can do is hope these buffoons show up for their court dates and/or report to their probation/parole officers.

The Hamilton County sheriff’s office is NOT being paid to baby sit criminals, they are being paid to protect the public. How do you expect them to do their job affectively if they don’t have adequate support or tools? This is like telling a journalist to go report a story with a stone tablet and a chisel! I can’t believe the issue of a new jail is even being debated. With several thousand criminals being released in the last several years due to lack of space and NOW Hamilton County is housing criminals in Butler County because Butler has excessive jail space, the jail problem is obvious.

It’s the 34th week of 2006, as of last Sunday there were 56 homicides in this city and the City of Cincinnati is more concerned with catching speeders and red light runners than protecting us from thieves and murders. You find the sense in that, because I haven’t got a clue. Here’s a thought city council, you take that money you want to use for traffic cameras and you put it towards a new jail. A REAL jail, not this tent city pipe dream Leslie Ghiz is dreaming about. 2 weeks ago I was driving up I-71, and within the span of 1 mile I saw 6 CPD officers and a State Highway Patrolman. The Highway Patrol was gunning speeders and then the CPD officers were pulling them over. There were 3 people pulled over, and 3 officers in waiting. Are you telling me that with more than one person being murdered a week in this crazy city, 6 officers should be sitting between Dane Avenue and the Smith-Edwards Exit? Give me a break Cincinnati. Go find the douche that donkey kicked my door!

Now, onto the sheriff’s comments. Simon says we need to support a new jail “for our own safety”. AWESOME! I think the sheriff should take notes from the bums about proper ways to beg the middle class for money. Telling people their personal safety is being jeopardized is NOT going to make them give you $225 million for a new jail. It’s going to make them start looking for a new county to call home. Get with it guys, the population of Cincinnati (or just Hamilton County in general) for 2 big reasons, that happen to be married to each other. Crime and a school system that is not only crime-ridden, but is sub-par in comparison to more suburban schools.

Cincinnati Public Schools graduated only 77% of it’s seniors last year. Rounding out the worst of the worst are Aiken, Withrow, and Wooward. These schools were only graduating between 40% and 60% of students in the last few years. Now, my mom is a Withrow grad (I won’t name the year) and according to her, you didn’t even have to show up regularly to just pass. The only suburban schools that can even come close to these low marks are: Hamilton High School (74.2%), New Miami Jr/Sr High School (72%), and Amelia High School (78.8%). For those of you not familiar with these areas, they are mostly lower income areas. The rich kids in Hamilton actually attend neighboring Fairfield and Lakota schools. Cincinnati is trying to combat this issue, but a lack of education leads to a lack of growth and employment opportunities, which leads to crime. Doesn’t take a genius to solve that problem, does it? Meanwhile, suburban schools such as the aforementioned Fairfield and Lakota schools as well as, Little Miami and Mason are boasting over 90% graduation rates.

Now, to the end of my lengthy rant. Do I believe we need a new jail? Absolutely. Do I believe it should cost $225 million to erect. Not a chance. There is already some jail space existing (granted it’s full of criminals at the time), but the space is there nonetheless. A new structure is needed, but beyond that and the increased manpower to staff the building, all that’s really needed is some good books, which I’m sure if he asked nicely, Simon could get donated. That’s right, I think criminals should spend their jail time reading books. Required book reports might not be a bad idea. At least then they’d be forced to get some sort of education…

Grillz, Babies and STD's.

2006-08-22T22:55:00.000-05:00

This cat's got his grillz on! No joke. A dentist in Indiana (Indiana WOULD have this guy..) has put gold teeth on his 1 year old cat. Apparently the cat has a serious under bite and the dentists cat just can't have that. He claims that the teeth would break off if not reinforced by the grillz. I'm not buying it. What I think happened was this dentists was like, "Wifey, can I pimp my ride?" and she was like "Jigga no" and he was like "Hoe please.." and pimped the cat instead. Just FYI, in case you were considering this for your own pets (I know you were), the cost for pet grillz is comparable to human grillz at $900 per tooth (this is for gold caps, NOT that little retainer jazz that people put over their teeth.) This is the dumbest thing I've ever heard. I'll put my dogs to sleep before I pay $900 to reinforce their teeth and make them look stupid. I believe this purchase to be completely foolish for 2 reasons: 1, it's a cat. Cats hate people. This cat will never apprecaite its gold teeth. 2, Cats have that Fancy Feast crap that just a bunch of mush. They don't even NEED teeth because they can just gum that stuff down. If this guy can afford gold teeth for his kitty, surely he can afford something better than a stale bag of Sam's Choice Kitty Food. Good news though, veterinarians say that gold crowns can be put on a pet without any dental problems. Awesome! Where's Daisy?!

Canton, Ohio is very busy…getting it’s GROOVE on! Last year 65 of 490 girls at a high school in Canton were pregnant. In response, the school has decided it’s high time to expand it’s sex education programs to address the issue. The new curriculum will continue to teach abstinence, but will add teaching kids to be responsible with their sexual choices. Wow! What a brilliant idea! Not that I’m an advocate for premarital sex, but I think it should be assumed that a lot of teenagers are going to fool around at some point. When 13% of your female student body is pregnant, it’s a safe bet that an even larger percent was getting pretty lucky. I went to a Baptist school and there were pregnant girls there too! It also sounds like this school stole textbooks straight from my high school locker. Apparently the school also feels the need to replace health books that are older than some of the students. One teacher says, “If we had math books from 1988, reading books from 1988, as a parent, I would be furious.” Hmm, at Landmark if we’d had books published in 1988 my parents would have been elated. No lie, seventh grade Ohio History book, copyright 1969. A girl in our class said her mom had used the exact same book when she was in junior high. And since when were kids in high school born after 1988?! I’ve finally reached that point where I was in school before these kids were even born. Let’s have a sad moment of old silence…..

Just so you know, the current Ohio state curriculum doe not require sex education, but it does require STD ed, which is generally lumped together with nutrition, drugs and alcohol education. They’re doing an awesome job considering how obese kids are these days, plus how many kids are huffing, snorting, and smoking everything in sight. I bet this class goes something like this, “Kids, eat fruits and veggies, don’t drink or smoke da’ ganja, oh..and those bumps down there, ask yer momma.”The Canton Health Department statistics through July 2005 show that 104 of the 586 babies born between 2 hospitals were born to mothers between 11 and 19. 11! When I was 11 I barely knew what sex was, much less was I even considering having it nor was I capable of understanding it's implications. It’s times like this when I embrace my naïve upbringing.

Human Fireball

2006-08-17T20:24:00.000-05:00

So, Dell is recalling laptop batteries due to a propensity to explode. For about 2 days I sat around waiting for my laptop to explode in my lap. However, I found the time to finally explore the issue and find out that my battery will not explode (at least not yet). Obviously, not exploding is a good thing, but admit it, if I was on the news as that girl who exploded you'd ALL be like "Hey, isn't that Nikki? She's on fire!"

A Quickie

2006-08-16T20:21:00.000-05:00

I have to share this, it's hilarious:

So, there was this guy at work wearing a hilarious t-shirt, it said: I like my women like I like my coffee (on the front) Ground up and in the freezer (on the back). Hilarity increased exponentially due to the fact that this guy resembled a serial killer.

Wal-Mart, A Rage of Harrison Sized Proportions

2006-08-15T07:21:00.000-05:00

Despite protests, town opposition, torches AND pitchforks, Harrison Ohio will be getting it's own Wal-Mart. While Harrison hates Wal-Mart because it will detract from it's small town feel, I hate Wal-Mart for a more practical reason. If you're the largest discount retailer in the galaxy, OPEN A CHECK OUT LANE!!!

It doesn't matter what time of day you go to Wal-Mart, there will be approximately 564 people waiting to check out and no more than 3 lanes open at a time. Bonus points, one of those lanes is the tabacco lane, and living in such close proximity to Kentucky, I'll give you one guess as to which lane is the longest. Not that it REALLY matters in the game of Wal-Mart Life, because that just means the longest lane has 190 people in it as opposed to the 187 in the other two available lanes.

There was a time in my life when I honestly felt Sam Walton could've won the presidential race, even though he has been dead since 1992. However, living in an age where instant gratification is 2 seconds to slow and Wal-Mart has pissed off rich neighborhoods everywhere by planting itself in their backyards, I think Big Sam's popularity is waning. Speaking of Sam's.....

I believe that Wal-Marts no lane policy has spread like a rogue STD to it's Warehousing sister, Sam's. It's a sad truth, but I am all about a retailer who enables me to purchase 52 pounds of dog food, 48 rolls of toilet paper and a package of Twizzlers that weighs more than both of my legs for approximately $30. What I am NOT all about is standing in line behind a person purchasing enough groceries to feed Luxembourg for 13 weeks, a big screen TV AND a giant trampoline, because that would be the only lane open. Yeah, I know that supervising douche comes over and scans the stuff on my cart for me but this doesn't solve the problem. I'm still standing in line you moron! Here's a thought, get me the truck outta here and open a lane. You can have all the scanning fun you can shake at stick at there!

Really, what I'm saying here is low prices are irrelevant if I end up licking my ice cream off Wal-Marts floor before I have the chance to save 36 cents.

Paul Daugherty, My Hero

2006-08-11T22:24:00.000-05:00

I sat down in the breakroom today and read the sports section. I usually read the Local section, because it's the kind of reality you can't find in a novel, but today I stumbled upon the most fantastic piece of journalism and I feel the need to share it. Trust me, you'll love it:

Don't waste tears on Clarett
This case isn't sad, it's simply pathetic
BY PAUL DAUGHERTY | ENQUIRER STAFF WRITER

Let's make something clear about what has become of Maurice Clarett: It is not sad. Orphans are sad. Adolescent cancer patients are sad. "Old Yeller" was sad. The next scribe or TV Head to pair "sad" (or, worse, "tragic") and "Maurice Clarett" should be sentenced to life among the refugees in Darfur.

I could think of lots of words to describe what has become of Maurice Clarett. Sad isn't among them. Sad isn't even in the same dictionary. How about arrogant, stupid, pathetic, delusional and blind?

We toss around words like "great" and "tragic" in sports as if they were paper airplanes. Carson Palmer soon might become a "great" quarterback, but what happened to him in January wasn't "tragic." The last full-blown tragedy in sports occurred at the Munich Olympics 34 years ago. What happened to Palmer was "unfortunate."

Maurice Clarett was given a body and a talent half the world wants. The other half dreams of playing soccer for a living. As recently as a year ago, Clarett had a menagerie of hangers-on a mile wide and deep, all wanting to befriend him, even if only for the dollars they saw down the line.

Here's something sad: the way we worship athletes, regardless of their shortcomings away from the arena. The way we still believe, after so much evidence to the contrary, that because they can play a game, they are people worth emulating, or at the very least apologizing for.

Rappers in Los Angeles took in Clarett and enabled him with fine cars and a house on the beach. They got him a trainer, but Clarett quit the guy quickly, because the guy made him work.

Clarett moved to Phoenix and hooked up with David Boston's trainer. The NFL has suspended Boston for steroid use.

No fear. Clarett quit that guy, too. And because Denver Broncos coach Mike Shanahan believes his system creates great running backs, he drafted Clarett in the third round of the 2005 NFL draft. It was an amazing break for someone who played not one full season of college ball.

A few weeks into camp, Clarett was demanding that the Broncos' strength coach of 11 years be fired. When the Broncos, for some crazy reason, opted not to do that, Clarett demanded a trade.

He hadn't even signed a contract.

Clarett was so delusional, he asked that a Pro Bowl clause be inserted in his deal. The Broncos cut him before he ever carried the ball in the preseason.

This is sad?

Clarett knocked around after that, doing what he does, which is a lot of nothing. And, oh yeah, getting accused of robbing two people at gunpoint in an alley behind a bar in Columbus.

Meanwhile, Clarett had a baby with his girlfriend in July. Here's a great idea: When you're broke and unemployed and can't even take care of yourself, have a child with your girlfriend.

On Wednesday in the middle of the night, police stopped Clarett after a chase. He was unruly, which isn't sad, but rather stupid. The cops Tasered him, which didn't work because he was wearing a bulletproof vest. In Clarett's vehicle were three handguns, a hatchet, an assault rifle and half a bottle of vodka. Just your average, everyday cargo for a responsible adult with a 3-week-old child.

Oh, the tragedy.

Clarett's bond was set at $5 million. Probably, his good friends in Los Angeles won't be wiring him the money.

You could see Clarett's saga as the ultimate cautionary tale. But by now, cautionary tales such as his have become cliche'. As cliche' as those who find them "sad."

"I was a person who was scheduled to make millions," Clarett told ESPN.com.

Uh, Maurice: No one is "scheduled" to make anything. There is no ETA on wealth. The entitlement train doesn't roll in, right on time, bearing your personal Brink's truck. You make your own way.

This is something Clarett never understood. This is not sad. This is immensely arrogant and foolish.

So let's clear Maurice Clarett from the sadness docket, shall we? That court is crowded enough without him.

The Rage: No, Not a Bad Stephen King Novel Remake, My Life.

2006-08-09T20:47:00.000-05:00

Let me preface this posting with this, there are VERY few things in this world that turn me into an anal-retentive psychopath. Type-A personality is not something I'm known for having. To be quite honest, I'm pretty laid back and I don't take a lot of things seriously. All that being said, I freely admit that I'm a neurotic schizoid when it comes to how my groceries are bagged. Don't hate, we all have our own thing, grocery bagging it mine so step off!

Why am I anal retentive about something that seems so ridiculous? Well, why not! Mainly, I get irritated because this is not a task that requires any great skill. It's basically a little bit of common sense combines with a mild capacity to pay attention. Here's the dilly yo, meat doesn't get put into the same bag with soap, canned goods do not get placed on top of bread or eggs, and you cannot put 67 cans of beans in a plastic bag or it will break.

I realize that I am so particular, so I go the extra mile for my slack-jawed cashier because they always appear to be very busy drooling on themselves when it's my turn to have my order rung. I actually place my items on the conveyor belt in very distinct groups: cold items, boxed items, canned items, meats, produce etc., you get the picture. The point is, even a drool box should be able to figure out how to appropriately bag my items. However, upon a recent trip to my favorite Meijer, the forecast was an 89% chance of bananas on top of grapes and sour cream ending up in the same bag with Q-Tips and bodywash. These things weren't even in neighboring piles! How do you mess that up?!

Let me tell you a little ditty about when I first started rocking Meijer's world. When I was 16, my first official job title was "bagger". I was a professional grocery bagger and I was pretty darn awesome, I must admit. Trust me, if my mom will let you bag her groceries, you're pretty good. My mom is not above ripping her own daughter a new one if she bags groceries poorly. So, I know from experience how little brain power it takes to stack boxes of cereal and NOT squash someone's bread.

So, I go to the store and I knew I was in trouble when I saw my cashier wipe her mouth on the back of her hand. I wasn't aware that it was neanderthal day at my local grocers, honestly, there should've been a sign. Not only did she not care about my grocery bagging needs, she mocked the act of bagging in a way that caused my blood pressure to rise to nearly aneurysm level. First, she SPIKED my mushrooms into the bag, Chad Johnson style and I thought "Unless you just signed a $40 million contract with the Colts, you'd better not spike my produce." Then steam came from my ears when this idiot put bananas on top of my grapes. HUH?! On what ape-ridden planet is it acceptable to place anything on top of grapes? Then she starts eeny meeny miney mo-ing to chose things at random from my meticulously arranged piles. So there I am in the parking lot, re-bagging my entire order because this girl had the mental capacity of old cornmeal.

Please America, Don't Feed the Cretins

2006-07-30T20:36:00.000-05:00

America is getting mean, one city at a time. Two weeks ago, Las Vegas made it a crime to feed homeless people in parks. Orlando followed suit last week when city council passed their own ordinance making it illegal to feed the homeless in public parks. Apparently, feeding the homeless makes them stick around, and no one wants those dirty and dangerous transients running amuck. So, while the city does NOT approve of feeding the homeless out in the public, they do approve of treating them like zoo animals. I hope there are signs like, "Please Do Not Feed the Homeless, or the Squirrels".

The group, "Food Not Bombs" (translated - Bleeding heart, democratic hippies) plans to continue feeding vegetarian meals to the homeless. All I have to say here is, they WOULD be feeding vegetarian meals, and I roll my eyes in their general direction. Beggars can't be choosers, literally. I happen to think that a homeless person would prefer a little fried chicken to a lump of tofu and curd.

The ACLU is also getting involved, claiming this is just a superficial fix to the real problem with Orlando's homeless. What is the real problem exactly? The fact that these people are either too lazy or too proud to get help, or the fact that some of them actually enjoy being homeless because it's easier than facing reality. Heck, if you're homeless people seem to go out of their way to feed you, you can go to shelters and get showers and clothes for free, and in some cases use the internet. Trust me, there's a homeless guy who blogs. How else would a homeless guy be blogging?! And why isn't he getting a job?!! He's the reason I don't feed the homeless. I'd give you the URL for his blog, but I'm not endorsing this bum.

The commissioner in Orlando who pushed for the ordinance is claiming this decision was not easy for her, and that this is all being wrongly portrayed as "anti-homeless". How else are we supposed to interpret this? Is treating homeless like zoo animals and referring to them as dirty transients somehow pro-homeless? Overall, I don't disagree with the ordinance, but let's be honest here, this isn't a gray area. Either you like the homeless or you don't, and obviously this city council does not.

Overall, I don't disagree with the ordinance. That's because homeless people are known mainly for beating each other to near death over the best highway bridge to squat under, or lawn chairs, or 3 shopping carts tied together. I also do not approve of the way homeless people throw trash all over the place when they live oh so troll-like under bridges. If that's your home, are you too good for your home? Keep it clean, seriously.

Random Tasty Treats

2006-07-28T22:36:00.000-05:00

I turned on the 11 o'clock news the other night just in time to hear this tasty treat; The Family Dollar store in Roselawn was robbed, suspect was a male seen wearing, and I quote, "a black hoodie and gold teeth". I have several problems with this short story. First, if you're an actual news anchor, should you be saying "hoodie"? Shouldn't you say, "a black hooded sweatshirt"? Please news casters (& writers), step off and leave the slang to us common folk. You know, the ones who aren't getting paid to know how to write and speak appropraitely. Or maybe I was watching Da' Hood News. Second, why was this guy wearing a hoodie? It was like 90 degrees that day, just slap some panty hose on your head and move on! Should we just start looking for a dehyrated criminal now? Third, a black hoodie and gold teeth, in Roselawn, that narrows the search down to oh...everyone! If I find out that this robber had a neck injury and was named Derrick Cannon...well, there will be another blog...

Giddy up Gangstas! Gangsters are apparently back in action in upstate New York. A council woman found a severed horses head in her swimming pool. Apparently she has difficulty making offers people can't refuse, and she certainly seems to know how to make friends and influence people. That's a heck of a thing to wake up to! I hope she has a strong stomached pool boy.

A man in Covington has been arrested after a hit and run incident. This was no ordinary hit and run, oh no! This guy took it one step further. The driver apparently looked to eyewitnesses as if he was trying to run a stop sign, and he plowed over a teen on a bike. I know, we've all joked "2 points for the kid on the bike!", but we don't act it out! THEN he asks the teen if he's ok, and leaves the scene. Here's how he leaves the scene, by putting his car in reverse and backing over the kid, running him over again. No douche bag, I am NOT ok, you just hit me with a truck, twice. You know, it would be a truck too, afterall this was in Kentucky ya'll! So far, it's not been confirmed if the driver was drunk or if he ran over that poor kid on purpose, twice. My guess is a healthy dose of meth and a Colt 45 led up to this tragedy, afterall..it WAS Kentucky. I bet this guy doesn't even remember leaving his house.

The Daniel Carter Beard Bridge was closed briefly Wednesday night. Why was it closed? No, not another semi-truck wreck, not another teenager killing themselves by weaving through traffic, but a man was threatening to harm himself. The police were trying to "save" him. Yep, while crack was being smoked, Meth was being made, and Family Dollar's were being robbed, your tax dollars were going to save someone who doesn't want to save himself. There was also a police boat on stand-by in the river in case this man chose to really hurt himself and jump. This is probably a good thing, because if he WAS serious about hurting himself, he would've jumped in and had himself a drink of that hometown sludge. Honestly, he wasn't hurting anyone else, hand that man some swimmies and call it a night! (thanks for the input Kristen!)

Finally! A moment I have been waiting for! CPD finally makes me smile. Operation Vortex has expanded it's horizons to the Westside. Hmm, you mean there's more than one bad neighborhood in Cincinnati? After setting up a command post at Elder High School (how appropriate), police took off after random drug dealers, gun wielding thugs and prostitutes. Here's where I smile. A prostitute blamed a CPD officer for her arrest saying, "He actually lured me in!" The command post officer replied with the best one liner I've heard in a long time, "That officer did not arrest you for eating a pop tart and drinking a glass of water." There's lesson to be learned there kids, shake whatcha momma gave ya, go to jail.

Hero of the Week!

2006-07-28T01:07:00.000-05:00

Two blogs in one day?! Jigga YAY!

I have some fantastic news, a HERO of the week! That's right, not a douche bag, but a hero. An 84 year old man in North Carolina used his cane to beat down a would-be mugger. Apparently, it all started when the worst mugger I've ever heard of pulled up (in his car) in front of Grandpa's house and asked for a cigarette. I hate when people beat around the bush, just ASK for my money up front please. Well, anyways, Grandpa is like, "I don't smoke yo!" This mugger proceeds to pull out a shot gun and start demanding money. Now, I'm not sure how close said vehicle was to the house, but either he was pretty stinking close or this was the longest shot gun ever. You see, when Captain Foolish pulls out his shotgun, Grandpa smote it down with his cane. THEN Grandpa took off running around the car, with the mugger chasing him and threatening him with the gun. How insanely slow are you when you can't even catch up to an old man with a cane? I bet this mugger wishes he would've remembered his helmet that day, because Grandpa turned around and beat him over the head WWF style with his cane until the idiot finally crawled back into his car and drove away. Where am I when things like this are happening? Oh yeah, hibernating.

*This is NOT the old man, but if I had to imagine...

My First Car, A Picture Story

2006-07-27T16:50:00.000-05:00

I felt the need to better convey my point with some visuals.

There she is, The Party Wagon herself, in all of her poopy glory. For any of you who knew her, I don't apologize. You loved her, don't hate.

The pimped out dashboard, notice the hula doll and happy face between the vents. The hula doll didn't last, because dad drove it one day and I'm not kidding here, he ripped it off the dashboard and threw it on the floor saying "I work at GE, I can't have all those guys thinking I'm gay."

Ahhh, adding another bottle of power steering fluid to the beast. I'm glad someone was there to capture this moment for me. Tears....

My First Car

2006-07-23T05:17:00.000-05:00

During a night of reminiscing with old friends we landed on the ever fun topic of our first cars. There was a plethora of rust, non-operational windows (even the hand crank ones didn't work!), bullet holes, and cars that should have reached terminal velocity at 45 m.p.h. because beyond that point the turbulence was almost too much to handle. This is how I know there's a God, otherwise we would have ALL died in any one of those cars back in the day!

So here's to my first car, "The Party Wagon". It was a 1990 Ford Aerostar minivan. It was two tone brown and Aaron had a two tone brown Jeep. We were destined to be together with those poop mobiles. I started the minivan trend, THEN someone else tried to one up me with his own two tone brown Aerostar (I believe his was the extended version though. Remember, bigger isn't better kids), but alas, no one could trump my party on wheels. How appropriate of me to use Spades terminology when discussing high school. I hope you Landmarkers appreciate it.

I am 99% positive that my car wasn't street legal for the majority of the time I drove it. I'm also sure I was the loudest car to be found, since the entire exhaust system fell off on Cox Road on my way home from work one night. Shortly after the exhaust system went A.W.O.L. from the rest of my vehicle, the transmission peaced out on me as well. Let me tell you, when you live on a busy street where the speed limit is 40, you KNOW people are doing at least 55. BONUS! We lived at the top of a hill. So here I am every morning for about 2 months, van stuck in reverse with other cars flying up the hill behind me, then screeching to a halt and honking their horns angrily at me. All I could do was sit there, car in drive, pedal to the floor until the gear finally caught and slammed me into drive with a force that cracked my sternum against the steering wheel. It's a good thing I'm flat chested!!

Best part of that story, I had complained that the transmission was on the fritz and dad blew me off. Then one day mom says, "Nik, why do you sit in the street every morning? You're gonna get hit ya know." WHAT?! Um, HELLO! Mom, I've been complaining about this problem for a month. I'm not gonna get hit, I'm gonna DIE!

If it had rained the night before, oh you could just forget it! That blasted heap would give me fits just for trying to start it. Then it would proceed to accelerate at negative snails pace while backfiring repeatedly for about 10 minutes. Just until she got warmed up and stopped changing gears. What an obstinate piece of machinery. Dad was like "needs spark plugs". We were so far beyond spark plugs....what it needed was a good beating with a hammer. A good kick in its van pants.

The passenger side window broke about the time I started driving and my dad's solution was absolutely awesome. He ripped off the door panel and crammed a piece of wood under the window to hold it up. He failed to put the door panel back on, so I drove around for a good year with a door panel in the back seat. You had to be careful in the passenger seat, or you'd risk tetanus when you sliced your leg on some bit of rogue metal.

I'm pretty sure I was still in junior high when the A/C blew, so it was pretty steamy in the Party Wagon. This is how we came to judge the effectiveness of certain deodorants. If you could ride in the van and not come out sweaty, that brand was a keeper.

To say that the alignment was off is a severe understatement. You had to turn the wheel 180 degrees just to keep the darn thing in a straight line. While it didn't leak oil, that hunk of junk leaked power steering fluid like it was it's job! Eventually I got tired of buying a bottle every other day, so I went without power steering. How old school of me. The driver seat was wobbly because I broke it with my head when we got rear ended on the way home from school one day. I also had an imprint of a Buick symbol in the back and a spare tire with a bent rim thanks to that idiot.

The van's terminal velocity should have been 55 m.p.h., because that's when the shaking started. When I say shaking, I'm talking serious tremors here. However, I will NEVER forget the shakes it had when I buried the needle all those times on the ramp from 275 to 75 north. Gotta get home on time yo! Just for humor: the needle buried in the van at 85 m.p.h. (136.8 kilometers per hour for those of you who go metric!).

By the time this party was all said and done there had been a fire in the alternator, power steering was a thing I only dreamed about, only 1 of the doors would cooperate with the power locks, one of the running boards was falling off (Dear Brandon, if something is being held together by rust you probably shouldn't stand on it), and it took some serious muscle to get that sliding door shut. Not to mention the fact that the summer before my senior year I barely drove it because the battery died, the starter AND the starter relay switch just gave up. None of this stopped me from pimping my ride with a little quarter machine happy face stuck to the dashboard & my dashboard dancing hula doll.

Why did I drive this car? Because it was free and I loved it, in my own way. Besides, I didn't know better.

Only in Cincinnati..

2006-07-20T22:32:00.000-05:00

Only in Cincinnati (and probably Detroit) would a crime like this happen: Someone drove by the Mosque in Clifton, rolled down their car window (hand crank I sincerely hope!) and yelled, "Ya'll gonna get bombed!". If you are going to terrorize a group of Muslims, screaming that they're "gonna get bombed" out of your car window is probably not the best way to go about it. Ever heard the word jihad? Not that I'm advocating terrorist actions against Muslims, maybe Buddhists, but not Muslims. (I'm kidding!! Seriously, I'm midwest, but I'm not a redneck.)

"Westwood Concern" e-mails Aaron frequently to let him know the happenings of the Westside. My concern is why haven't we burned it down and start over yet, but no one cares to address my concerns. Never once is it mentioned "Police have found the perpetrators of a home invasion on February 10," so until THAT concern is addressed Westwood can stick it as far as I'm concerned. That being said, this current concern is pretty awesome. It initially talks about how the citizens of Westwood were desirous for change and peace during the riots and they just want city politicians to stop talking about building a jail and just do it. A meeting was proposed in Westwood, in order to make it more convenient for citizens to attend. I guess fearing that real citizens with opinions and ideas might attend said meeting (rather than those people city council pays to think like them), this meeting location has been changed. It will now be at someone's office (i don't pay THAT much attention) at 6th and Court St. When was the last time anyone with half a brain cell ran around 6th and Court at night? The last time I was near Court Street was when Aaron worked right in the heart of Over the Rhine. I was crossing the street to get to my car and a "friendly" local yelled at me, "Go on cross da street CRACKA!" I guess he was friendly..I mean, he didn't outright shoot me, or rape me, or steal my car. That's more than I can say for the Westwood locals, you know, the people who desire all this change. I see two sides of this coin: If you're REALLY a concerned citizen, you'd be at that meeting regardless of it's proximity to your home. However, would I personally attend a meeting on Court street at night? Heck no. This cracka don't play that.

As my father always said, "No good deed goes unpunished," and we all know father knows best. After a night of drinking, some BOOB snatched a purse outside of a local pub. Brandon Morris, a 25 year old would-be Superman attempted to recover the purse, only to be shot by said purse snatcher. Not only did this purse snatching boob shoot Brandon, he proceeded to chase him up the street and shoot him in the head! Brandon went from Good Samaritan to martyr in less than 60 seconds. The moral of this story is NOT helping others gets you nothing but dead, because God knows and his sense of humor is unparalleled. I sincerely hope this uber goon gets nothing but a handful of Canadian change and an old stick of Fruit Stripe gum with a hair stuck to it in that purse. Because THAT'S karma.....

"Independent" Married Women

2006-07-14T01:57:00.000-05:00

As promised, here is the first installment in my series of things that make me rage. "Independent" married women. Why does this make me rage? Because I hate stupid, that's why.

Marriage is defined as a unity and mutual action. On the other hand, independence is non-contingent on someone or something else and non-dependent upon another entity. The very idea that someone is independent AND involved in a mutual partnership is an oxy-moron and an irony that I simply cannot ignore.

By very definitiion, a truly independent woman is not married I do not feel I'm disgracing my gender by claiming myself as a dependent woman. I AM! That's why I got married in the first place, because I know I need Aaron (and all of his money!), and I enjoy the togetherness of marriage. I enjoy the partnership & joint decision making. If you are functioning independently of your spouse, you are the reason the divorce rate is 50% in this country. Oh yeah that's right, I did say it! You can't expect to just be out doing your own thing all the time and have a healthy marriage. There's no partnership in independence. If you want to be an independent woman then throw another bra on the fire and do it! Don't skip around behind this American dream-like facade of happy marriages and picket fences just to show everyone how grown up you are (I'm a big kid, look what I can do..I can hire a lawyer too). Oil and water don't mix kids, that's just basic chemistry (my blogs are angsty AND educational. Fun for the whole family!)

Just to drive my point home, I'll throw the Bible at you. Both Genesis and Ephesians (old school AND new school Bible, so it must be true) say to leave your parents and cling to your spouse. NOT cling to the idea of a marriage or those 15 people you around and act pretentious with, because that's a self-righteous game I just don't play.

Frankie Goes To Hollywood, and Teaches Us Important Things

2006-07-12T06:48:00.000-05:00

It has come to my attention that some people take life too seriously. I mean, they actually get upset when they can't control their job, or their friends, or their spouse had the nerve to do something without first being given approval. I mean, these people will even take their Myspace seriously. Um, it's an internet playground, maybe it should be taken with a grain of salt. I guess what I'm really talking about is the fact that there are people who feel the need (and actually belive it's possible) to control absolutely every aspect of their life and everyone in every situation they encounter. These are the people that could easily make me claw my face off with a spork.

I think we should all just learn to accept that fact that you cannot control all variables of a situation. I'll say it again for the mentally impaired: YOU CANNOT CONTROL ALL VARIABLES OF A SITUATION. Did you get it that time? It's like that old saying, you can pick your nose, you can pick your friends, but you can't pick your friend's nose. You love it and you know it.

Take a wedding for example: You spend months upon months planning for this event, but regardless of how much over-planning you do, you cannot control everything that happens on that day. Trust me when I say this. I spent 7 months watching my mom freak out about my wedding (I was so over it) and when the day arrived, crazy things that none of us would've had the forethought to plan for happened. What did we do? Let it go. Why? Because that's how we roll . Anyone who says their wedding went off without a hitch is probably either lying or totally oblivious to the situations at hand. You can over control the guest list, the photographer, the DJ's choice of song, the type of ceremony, and the food served. But, you cannot control a large group of people in an awkward situation. Someone uninvited might just show up, and you need to just let it go. One of those friends you thought would behave mught just have an incredibly low alcohol tolerance, and they might get really drunk. This might lead them to dance the Macarena all night (even though the song NEVER played), steal someone's coat and wear it around like a cape, and eventually end up passed out in their own vomit in the bed of someone else's pick-up truck. YOU CAN'T STOP THAT! Besides, why would you want to? I mean, the humor value is definately 10 out of 10. P.S. this is on of the 23.5 reasons I didn't have alcohol at my wedding.

I just can't express my total annoyance in words how much control freaks bother me. You cannot plan for everything, nor can you control all situations. Learn to relax, you might find yourself happier and with more friends. Stop worrying, it's not worth it. Learn to laugh at yourself. Honestly, the day I stop laughing at my special ed self is the day I hope to die. There's humor to be found in all situations, even gran theft auto. Take Frankie's advice and relax.

A Blog Series, Coming Soon To A Lame Near You

2006-07-11T20:28:00.000-05:00

I've decided to start an actual series of blogs. If you can have a book series, you can have a blog series. I said it, therefore it is so. The title of this series will come as no surprise to some of you: Things That Make Me RAGE. This series will be on-going at my discretion, because this is my domain where I am blog master. Stay Tuned.

Upcoming postings in this series: (a little preview for your palates)
- "independent" married women - there's an irony here that I simply cannot ignore.
- cell phone drivers - I've been raging this hardcore since like 1999, but now it's a whole new brand of explosion.
- people who post their phone numbers on myspace - are you stupid or something? do you want to get raped? Well, do ya?!

American Bordem At It's Creepiest!

2006-07-07T22:02:00.000-05:00

Ok, I'm not really sure whether to award this kid douche bag of the week or not, but because it's Friday and there might not be anything else lame to happen this week, let's just give it out. Yeah, that's me..always giving it out...you dirty fools.

Apparently some douche in Vermont got bored (no kidding, that's his real excuse) and decided to break into a tomb, cut off some old guy's head and try to make it into a bong. JIGGA HUH?! Now, we all know I'm all about dead people, but cutting off their heads for illegal drug purposes? That's a game I'm just not playing. I have standards yo! Fo' Sho!

What does robbing a tomb for a dead head (no pun intended) in Vermont get you? 2 felony counts and somewhere between 1 to 7 years in prison (BINGO! credit for 14 months served while awaiting trial. Le sigh, that's our justice system). Not only did this weirdo steal a human head, he also stole a bow tie and the man's glasses. I guess he figured head, neck..it's all connected, why not just take it all?

Bragging to your friends after you steal a head, not a great idea. Isn't this how all dumb criminals get caught? Running your mouth about a crime you just committed is an excellent way to get arrested, so take note my felon friends.

Best part: A psychiatrist has diagnosed this kid with "mental health issues". Do we need a psychiatrist in this situation? Let's recap a little Cain and Able situation from here in Cincinnati. Cain beats Able to death with a baseball bat, then walks into the middle of a busy street in Hyde Park to wash the blood off in huge fountain. Then, while he's still dazed and confused he walks across the street to the fire station and says, "someone killed my brother". Um yeah psycho, it was you..we all saw the blood. Now, did they really need not one, not two, but NINE psychiatrists to examine this kid and say, "Yep, severe mental illness"?? NO! He killed his brother and then took a bath in the town square! Was there no other way to waste tax dollars?

Moral of the story, if you steal a human head out of a tomb and plan to smoke pot out of it, you're disturbed. I don't need medical school to know this, it's just common sense. You don't grave rob because you got bored. Also, if you do it and you are my friend, don't tell me about it. I'll think less of you as i'm turning you in, and I won't even try to hide it.

Porqué Amo Aeropuertos!

2006-07-06T22:41:00.000-05:00

I was looking over the intinerary for our upcoming trip to the Lonestart state and I realized I might be spending just as much time in airports as I will be spending in Texas. While airports can create an eye-bleedingly, painful experience, you have to make the best of it. Why do I love airports? It's PRIME grounds for people watching, second only to the streets of Las Vegas, which isn't even a fair comparison all things considered. Allow me to share an airport story with you. It will reinforce my love of the airport.

Pre-Sept. 11 days, when you were allowed to go back to the gates and wait for people, my family was waiting for my brother and his wife to fly in from Denver. Unbeknownst to any of us, there were issues in Denver and they weren't even ON the flight from Denver to Cincinnati, but that's an irrelevant part of my story. We had been sitting in the airport for almost 3 hours, dad was sound asleep and snoring loudly in an airport chair. I swear, that man can sleep anywhere (Hmm, I wonder where I get it?) and mom and I were doing our usual, pointing and laughing at people. That whole "if you can't say nothing nice" line..not used in my home.

So there was this guy, he was an obvious business man. He comes strutting off his plane looking incredibly pretentious with his rolly suitcase and his nose in the air. Then he walks into the bathroom, the LADIES bathroom. So mom and I are, of course, dying laughing. Then, he comes out about 15 seconds later with a 10 foot toilet paper tail hanging off his suitcase. Mom and I were in tears.

And THAT is why I love airports. There's too many people in too small of space, someone is bound to do something retarded. I think my turn is coming, stay tuned.

Now, just for fun (or not fun), some airport awards:

Airport with the most ridiculously tight security & Worst airport to vomit in:
Des Moines International - Des Moines, Iowa
Seriously, I wouldn't lie about that stuff. They frisked my 82 year old grandma there. And, I'd rather not talk about the vomit thing....

Lamest Airport Decor:
Detroit Metropolitan Wayne County Airport - Detroit, Michigan
It has these weird color tunnels you have to walk through. It's like a bad verson of Fremont Street.

Worst Flight EVER!! -
Cincinnati, Ohio - Richmond, Virginia.
I'm sure you remember that one Kristen. For everyone who WASN'T frantically scribbling their will and looking for lawyers, notaries, and ministers on this flight, it was more like riding a school bus over 1,000 speed bumps. HORRIBLE!!!!!

Airport with the most ridiculously LENIENT security -
TIE: Greater Cincinnati/Northern Kentucky International - Erlanger, Kentucky & Philadelphia International Airport - Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.
Both of these airports allowed me to fly without a state issued I.D...over Thanksgiving. Aaron hasn't let me handle my own license in an airport since this trip...

Why I Watch Local News...

2006-06-29T22:34:00.000-05:00

First, a motorcyclist hit a deer in Batavia. While this is not funny in the least, what is hilarious is the shotty camera work. They actually show the dead deer lying in a bush. Is that the best you can do? I mean, the news station is located in Clifton, which is a good 40 minutes from Batavia. You're telling me that you drove 40 minutes to shoot some footage of Bambi in a bush? These are the reasons Haley isn't allowed to watch the news....

Then someone is beating puppies. We've all laughed about the shootings, we've laughed about OTR, we even joke about those burned bodies. But puppy beating? That's just wrong. Apparently someone broke into a poorly secured Kentucky animal shelter, stole puppies, beat them to death, and THEN stuffed their dead bodies into the donation bin outside the shelter.

Leave it to Kentucky to have a puppy beater.

Employee of the Month

2006-06-29T09:22:00.000-05:00

So, there is this new guy at work..or there was this new guy at work, at least, he won't be there for long. I'll spare you his name, but we'll call him No-Condom Willy for the sake of argument. You'll understand in a minute. Well, it's Willy's THIRD week. He already has 3 absences (you're only allowed 3) and 7 tardies (you're allowed 8). Is this even possible?

I'll elaborate on how ridiculous this is. Your first week is all training. You're not even in the system until that first Saturday. Which means, in the 10 days he's been scheduled he's managed to achieve 3 absences and 7 tardies. You do the math.

So, Willy has a kid. One day she was 2, another day she was about 1 ½, today she might be an infant, who knows. However, two days ago he calls into work at about 2 p.m. ( he was supposed to be in at noon). He says to my boss, "Do I still have a job?" and she said, "You have 3 absences already," and he said, "Can I come in tonight?" and she said, "You can, but it will be a tardy and you already have 6."

Needless to say, Willy didn't show up last night. Today in our morning meeting (which he missed..) my boss says, "Willy is no longer with us, he no-showed his way out." There was some laughter. Then, at about 12:15 Willy comes up the escalator and says to me, "Are a lot of people working today?" and I said, "No more than usual", and he says, "I was supposed to be here at 9:40, I'm a little late..but I aint trynna trip you." What?! I don't speak foolish. I suggested he go talk to our boss, but 2 other people had to reinforce this idea before he would go.

His excuse for not calling, coming in, or being on time (ever) was awesome! I might use it someday, but probably not, because it won't work for me. Are you ready for this dribble? "My baby mamma went into labor twice..in 2 days." First, that only explains 2 of your 10 stupids. Second, stop having sex with everyone! This guy needs to wear a watch and a chastity belt. Just for humor - Humor came in at 12:15, took a full hour lunch from 2-3 and left right on time at 6. That's an employee of the month right there.

P.S. The Mumble Fish was back in today. I was too busy laughing at him and he asks these two other people who were standing together, "garble trash compactor at my cat's shoe." Dan pointed one way, Janet pointed the other, and they started to explain directions and Janet stops and says "did you ask for jeans?" See, it's not just me who can't understand him.

He didn't return his other jeans, he bought a second pair. Then Denim Neal says, "come back and see me if you need to return those." Mumble Fish yells, "I've got, I've got too much on my mind sir! I don't have time to think about you!" all while flailing his arms around his head. Ahh, retail, a breath of fresh air in the world of special ed.

The Mumble Fish

2006-06-26T20:19:00.000-05:00

If you work around people long enough you will learn there are just some people who have totally missed the boat when it comes to saying anything intelligible. Let's take Ozzy Osbourne for example, he's British and I'm positive that he's not speaking English. I don't know what it is that he's speaking, but it's not English. But even Ozzy can articulate finer speech than the trout mouth I had the displeasure of dealing with today.

First, I'm standing around running my yap, because it's retail and that's what we do. This guy walks up with a bag in his hand and says something like, "hrmahlf garble eat teeth alksfoi jeans here?", and I said "do you want to return something?" He responded with "jasjdilo" and shakes his head yes. God bless the head shaking...

So I proceed to return these jeans and there is this odor of old chili, cigarette smoke and something else I can't quite explain, but it made my stomach turn. That takes a lot considering I've had my head entirely too close to the nether regions of a cadaver. I look at the guy and he's got food stuck to his face and something yellow smeared around. It looked as if he got punched in the face by a field of angry dandelions. Then, while I was circling the item being returned on his receipt I asked to see his drivers license. This crazy shoves his license into my face and I almost lost my left eye and my temper. I happened to look at his signature on the license and he apparently writes as well as he speaks because it looked like an EKG machine wrote his signature for him.

Well, big surprise here..he'd missed the 30 day return mark by over a month, so I was forced to give him a gift card. If there's any way to piss off a mumble fish it's telling them they can't have cash back. He spewed out something that had the word cash in it and I said "No, you can have a gift card or take your jeans back, those are your options." He takes the gift card and storms off cursing me in a fashion that made my co-worker nearly collapse trying to hold in his laughter. All I could say was "what did he just say?? stupid mumble fish, what WAS that?!"

Story gets better, the guy went down to the denim department to use his gift card and spent another hour and a half trying on approximaltey 50 pairs of jeans. He then yelled at the sales guy because stylish jeans have holes in them and he doesn't like dark jeans. He finally picks a suitable pair and "Denim Neal" says, "Now, when you return these, because I know you will, please do it within 30 days."

3 hours later Denim Neal says to me, "I kept smelling this awful smell and it was those jeans! I can't rid of that guy!"

This mumble fish will make my novel, along with the special ed king who used to ask me for extra small condoms at Meijer, and the cross dressing old man. Oh, and that dyke who wore flannel and Old Spice.

A Mini-Rant

2006-06-25T22:14:00.000-05:00

This is why high school kids get a bad reputation as workers. So I was on my way to get a newspaper (mini-Martha needs coupons you!) and Aaron politely requested a deep freeze from UDF (United Dairy Farmers for the less Cincy savvy).

UDF has 2 sizes for Deep Freeze's: small (12 oz.) and regular (16 oz.). I'm not to sure what the deal is, but whenever I ask for a regular deep freeze those high school kids look at me and they must think, "this buck-o-nothing can't eat 16 ounces of ice cream, I'll just give her the 12." It NEVER fails! Every time I come home with Aaron's ice cream it's 4 ounces short. Hey! Junior high dropout, turn down the Disturbed and TURN UP THE BELLTONE!!

Maybe I should try slowing it down for these slack-jaws. I mean, if they can't get my order correct, can't I just berate them? Yeah, this is how I became the tip nazi isn't it?

Well, rather than cause a secne about his lack of attention to my ice cream needs, I said nothing. Then the other high schooler who was manning the register tried to charge me for the 16 oz. Deep Freeze that I so obviously did not receive. I felt an aneurysm coming on, because in all honesty I'd had too much high school dumb for one day. High school kids are so lame. I mean, when I was in high school wasn't I working like 10 hours a week? AND playing/coaching volleyball?? AND rocking Meijer's world???

A Fat Kid, A Shoe, and ME!

2006-06-24T21:54:00.000-05:00

I am dedicating this post to Kristen, because she might be the only person to understand it.

This is the saddest Meijer story of all time. I'm not kidding, it's the saddest thing I've ever written. There were some joyous years at Meijer, and by joyous I mean there were lots of things to laugh about. There was that guy with the combed forward hair, the guy asking for extra small condoms, Bill was in a box, Pam was feuding over union rules that didn't exist, Kristen was letting me be her hero..it was FABULOUS! Then one day, Kristen was gone and I came to realize two things: Enrique was NOT playing anymore AND everyone had quit.

Hot Boy..GONE! (How did I miss THAT?!), Moqgli was gone (back to the jungle to sing Linkin Park and smoke crack with Baloo I can only assume), Fat & Crazy Mark was gone (locking Sarah Frank in his bedroom I guess..gross..gross all around), drunken Crampy was gone, who'd have thought he'd get smart before I did? Even that bowlegged whore Anna was gone, not that anyone missed her. She was probably gone for years before I realized it.

Sadly, I realized there were only 3 people left:
Andrew - political science dunce (your major is based on nothing, at least maintain the C), bain (or BOEHN!) of my existence, and harasser of my mom (get off my mom already!! she doesn't like you).

Clete - Elder fanatic (you're 29!! Get off your high school!), bathroom crapper (no kidding, he got yelled at for misusing company time for crapping & reading the paper at the same time), and grocery king (and that's just a crown no one should wear).

And Me- Coolest White girl on the block, Hole Counter, just there to yell at children (Dear Parents, have you checked the children? Because I have and they're climbing on my ladder..)

That's right kids..in the end all that was left was: a fat kid, a shoe, and me...it was the saddest life I ever lived.

P.S. Theres no longer a chip in my drink, just one on my shoulder.

RUN FOR THE HILLS! Or Just Dayton...

2006-06-23T21:39:00.000-05:00

Surprise, surprise, surprise: the population of Cincinnati is rapidly decreasing. It's so bad that it's shrinking faster than both Detroit (where crime pays) AND New Orleans. WHAT?! Cincinnati can shrink faster than a city that sank? That's the most hilarious thing I've heard in a while.

As someone who recently ran for the suburban hills, let me explain my perspective. It was never my goal to stay within the city limits. It was always my goal to move some place with decent schools, no bus line with which to contend and relatively low crime (and ridiculous crime at that). I rather enjoy being outside of the 275 loop. I love sprawl and welcome it with open arms. I don't see the need to live where I work. YOU ARE NOT YOUR JOB! But that's a different fight club rant for a different time.

Allow me to reinforce the reasons for population decline:
Personally, I'm not a fan of the majority of Hamilton county. Houses in Hamilton county tend to be ridiculously overpriced for what you get. Example: $205,000 will you get a 1300 sq. ft. home in Oakley, complete with postage stamp yard and street parking. Sorry, driveways and detached garages sold separately. The same amount will get you at least 2000 sq. ft anywhere in Butler county. Yes, many houses in Oakley have been renovated, but you can't change location. You can fix crappy counters but you can't fix bad location. I understand, people love proximity to Hyde Park (why?) and "old house charm". Yeah, remind me where granite countertops and stainless steel appliances fit in with "old house charm".

When you drive down 75 there's an obvious change when you reach the point that's considered city limits. You don't need a sign, the scenery change is enough. It's not that the houses are old, but they are not taken care of very well. There's no pride of ownership (or rentership..I mean, it IS Cincinnati after all. Check the stats, over 50% of housing units in Cincinnati are renter occupied). Is there a lack of pride because of the increase in violent crime? Or is the increase in violent crime that led people to stop caring? Which came first, run down house or the thug? Chicken or the egg...we could debate all day.

There's no draw to the city. It gets irritating to go downtown and be harrassed by a panhandling moron. There's nothing there to interest me. Personally, I don't care if I live in a neighborhood with 200 houses but only 4 different designs. MOOT POINT! News flash to everyone with that attitude, all neighborhoods are like that whether they were built in 1924 or 2004. The only difference is the building style.

Bottom line: Cincinnati and Dayton are eventually just going to merge into one Midwestern metropolis. Cincinnati should either embrace the sprawl or offer me more than a panhandler, a door kicker and a potential gun shot wound.

Pittsburg Is Full Of Morons....

2006-06-22T23:37:00.000-05:00

So, the city of Pittsburg is full of morons. First, it brought us Prof. Massey..and well, if you were in my sociology class you'd understand. The woman told us that male lions are lazy all they do is lay around and lick themselves, while the females run around and hunt for food and go "ROAR!" She also told us "Ladies, if a guy ever says 'Baby, I can't live without you', well then you need to RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN" and while she's yelling run, she is running circles around the desk. Not that this has anything to do with my real blog, I just thought you should know....

So, we all know about Big Ben and his nasty accident. We also all know that this fall, when the Bengals play the Steelers those biased announcers will be like "well, you know Ben had that accident, losing those teeth has really had a negative effect on his throwing. Plus, his thumb still hurts from last year..he's wearing 5 gloves now!" and my ears will bleed. (Thank you John Madden).

Well, apparently this poor old woman who turned left into on-coming motorcycle traffic has been receiving threatening phone calls from random fanatics in Pittsburg. That's just insane. Can't an old lady just be old? Is it necessary to harrass the woman? Dear Random Idiots, It's called a traffic ACCIDENT for a reason. Congratulations Pittsburg, you're still stupid.

However, those boobs don't even qualify for douche bag of the week. Guess who does? Oh yeah, Big Ben. To add insult to toothless injury, he will be receiving over $300 in fines (I hope his tooth fairy pays well!). Ben's previous comments about not wearing a helmet was "the state of Pennsylvania doesn't require it." Well, Ben..maybe you should've learned to read the entire law concerning this manner (did he learn nothing at Miami??). The state of Pennsylvania doesn't require LICENSED motorcycle drivers to wear helmets. So Ben, when you obtain the proper permit, you too can legally try to kill yourself. That's why you are a douche bag.

Arranged Marriage via Myspace?? Jigga NO!

2006-06-21T20:25:00.000-05:00

From all the crap in current world news I keep reading about this story: 16 year old girl runs away from home in Michigan to attempt to marry a 20 year old man in Jordan that she met on Myspace.

JIGGA WHAT?!?!

Now, I was a 16 year old girl once. I have no problem admitting that I talked to some boyeez on the internet. However, I was NOT traveling halfway around the world to marry them. Her parents say she's a good kid, and I'm sure she is a great kid. But let's discuss logistics..and by logistics I mean COMMON SENSE, because she needs a good kick in the rear.

A- You are 16. You are traveling to a nation in turmoil...by yourself. You're not exactly inconspicuous.

B- You are 16. Your parents will probably realize you are gone at some point during your 10-12 hour flight to the Middle East. They will alert the authorities and you'll be caught FO SHO!

C - You are 16. Why are you flying around the world to hook up with someone who could be 65 and wants you to raise cattle and rapes you with a rake handle? Crazier things have happened......

D - YOU ARE 16!!!!!!

Do I really need to further elaborate? She's obviously not the brightest crayon in the box...she's like the one who's tip got broke in that little plastic sharpener. It's not just this girl, there are girls all over the place running off to get together with these random guys. These are kids who don't even trust their own grandma but will trust some random guy who says he's "20, 6'2, 180 pounds..brown hair, blue eyes..athletic build..." and he's 58, 5'6, 295 pounds, bald & glasses thicker than a Bible.

The good news, FBI intercepted the girl before she reached her future husband and sent her back to Michigan. Yes, they sent her back to the land of Michael Moore and she's STILL safer than she would have been in Jordan. The groom-to-be's family is upset, claiming the groom is heartbroken and they had no idea she would run off without her parent's permission. Le Sigh........who let's their 16 year old run off around the world?

In the end..I don't get it. I get the whole talk on the internet part..it's fun. It's more fun to lie about things like "I'm from Wisconsin..I live on a dairy farm". However, old perverts also like to lie...and that's why kids need common sense. So basically..don't pick your spouse on myspace. I don't care what pictures he has posted.....

Santa Claus, Yeah...He Begs

2006-06-20T21:55:00.000-05:00

So, my mom works downtown. She's worked downtown multiple times now and she always comes up with the greatest panhandling stories ever. So this story is via my mom:

When she worked downtown several years ago at some random bank (she's made the rouns..I don't remember which one she worked for at this time, and it has nothing to do with the price of apples on Sunday), and she would ride the bus from West Chester to downtown. Apparently there was this bum that she used to make fun of with her bus stop friends (mom..always the bully). They called him "Santa Claus" because he was fat and wore a red sweatsuit every day.

Each day as they waited for the bus, Santa would make the rounds begging for change, pocket lint and everyone's first born child. One particular day a lady was holding a Snickers bar. Santa comes around, hand held out and he sees this lady with her candybar. He asks, "Can I have that?" and she says "No" and Santa had the nerve to grab it out of her hand and run down the street. I'm positive he also cursed at the woman, bu mom didn't say that part..because she's mom and she doesn't use that language. I think this story would be better if Santa had proceeded to eat the Snickers in her face and blow his chocolate nugety breath on her saying, "this is a delicious candy bar, thanks for letting me STEAL it."

That's one elf who's getting coal this year.....

Gumby and Oprah

2006-06-16T20:59:00.001-05:00

If your head is completely lopsided there is an excellent chance that CPD wants YOU! in jail. This lopsided robber attacked a woman in her BMW on West Seventh St. Hmm, there's a lesson to be learned here. West Seventh = OTR, so don't give crackheads the impression that you have money and certainly don't live there! GEEZ LOUISE! And who's head looks like this? This douche looks like a half-breed between human and Gumby.

So, look for this guy.....at least he doesn't look like rectangles.

Thanks to some total moron, North 71 was closed one morning last week for a few hours. No, it did not invoncenience my life in any way, but it totally irritates me when stupid accidents happen. Some moron in an SUV crossed the median and played pinball among 3 northbound cars. Anyone familiar with the area knows that the median isn't THAT tiny. How is it possible that you just off-road right through it and run into old people? Ok, not OLD, because the lady is younger than my parents, but REGARDLESS! Unless you have a heart attack at the wheel, what are you doing off-roading on the interstate? These are the accidents that irritate me, because they always happen during rush hour. It's like stupids wait for the perfect time to aggravate.

Douche Bag of (last) WEEK! (and my dad would LOVE this one)...OPRAH! Look Harpo, I don't care how much money you have or how much you hate James Frey, you can't just crash weddings. Oprah apparently crashed a few weddings this weekend. Apparently she was "dropping off gifts" which sounds like a cheap excuse to grab a handful of pizza bagels or pigs in a blanket. In most of the pictures she looks totally annoyed by people talking to her. Hey Oprah! Don't draw attention to yourself and then get annoyed. Oh Oprah..I am so not a fan.

McFINE! A Pennsylvania woman is being fined for tossing her McSalad out the window. She actually got a ticket, but brilliant decided she didn't need to show up for court. She is now arguing that her McYuck was not trash, because it's lettuce and it's biodegradable. This isn't holding up on court, probably because the judge is too busy laughing at her. Listen lady, it's McSlop, that's not real lettuce. Enjoy that $180 salad....

Bad Jobs = Book Fodder

2006-06-15T22:53:00.000-05:00

So Dillards no only pays me money, but sometimes they also pay me in blog fodder. Aren't you so excited? So for those of you who haven't had the anal-raping pleasure of working in retail, allow me to explain a major principle of loss prevention. When a male LP apprehends a female shoplifter they cannot take her into the security office without another female present. You know, just in case said female gets angry and says, "waaa! I stole and then he raped me!!".

So, there I was, ringing out a sale when a security guy yells to me that they need me to come back to the security room. No big deal, it usually means I have to sit there as a witness until a female manager can be found. Well, my lucky day! There were no female managers. I got to sit in this room for over 2 hours watching ignorance unfold and be reminded why I moved out of the ghetto in the first place. BECAUSE IGNORANT PEOPLE STEAL!!

These girls stole some really crappy clothes. That's the only way to describe them, CRAPPY. So the one girl is yelling and acting like she needs to be backhanded and the other girl is just following her lead. When asked if they had I.D.'s they were lik e"Do we look like we got ID's?", as if we should just be able to tell how old they were by what they were stealing. Yes Shanaynay..my crystal ball says you're too young to have ID or common sense. Some of my favorite points of this conversation were:
Security Guy #1: Do you have ID?
GhettoFab!Girls: Do we look like we have ID?
Security Guy #1: Yeah, it's just a question. Any state ID? School ID? Social Security Card?
GhettoFab!Girl#1: I got suspended from school.
GhettoFab!Girl #2: Yeah, I got suspended too.
Me: rolling my eyes in the corner
Security Guy#2: Yeah, they don't take your ID when you get suspended.
GhettoFab!Girl #1: Well, school be out, so why you think I carry it?
Security Guy #1: Social security card?
GhettoFab!Girl #1: That aint even legal to have. You cain't have dat 'less your mom die or somfun. That's how my cousin got theys.

Yes. It was that painful. This was the exact moment that I began to look for something to use to stab myself. This was less than 5 minutes into the ordeal.

Not only were these girls being arrested for shoplifting, they apparently couldn't wait to tell their friends how cool they were. How do I know this? They kept text messaging everyone they had ever met the entire time they were in there. Now, if I was 13 or 15 and i was getting arrested I'd be busy making my last dinner request and writing my will. One of those security guys would've been out in the hallway yelling dead man walking, because my dad would kill me on the spot. They'd have to keep the police close by in order to save my life. Papa don't take no mess!

So, this goes on and the girls finally start to calm down enough to at least pretend to cooperate. They proceed to give the security guys their information, all the while berating the guys for not knowing how to spell names like Jacquita or Tanaya. One also threw a Wal-Greens orange soda at the trash can. It almost hit me in the head. There would've been more blod fodder when I was released on bail if I had gotten knocked in the head with a fake Fanta bottle. Then the Springdale police showed up, and this officer didn't take any mess either! The older of the 2 girls got TWICE as irritating as she had previously been and just because she was annoying the cop decided to take her away. I'm not kidding. The cop yelled at the one girl for texting, then told the other girl to shut up. Then immediately goes "You know, forget it..just get up. I'm taking you to jail." I had a hard time not laughing too loud.

Then the fun begins: After irrtation leaves with the overly friendly police officer, the other girl starts saying that her cousin isn't actually old enough to come pick her up. Then her mom actually called her and the security guard told the mom what was going on..I knew things would get interesting. The girl comes clean about giving false information, she also states that her family is getting ready to move from Bond Hill to Westwood (yep! sounds about right....). Her mom storms in and is in a total rage. Again...hard time containing my laughter. I'll leave you with other fun quotes.

"You ain't got to go to court. If you skip, they can't catch you" - Dear Latosha, with that kind of logic you'll do something else stupid and you'll get caught FO SHO!..PLUS this warrent will show up, and you'll enjoy juvie.

"We black, we always looking for a deal" - FIVE FINGER DISCOUNT ISN'T A DEAL! Some people are unbelievable.

"So why di dyou choose to steal from dillards? Why not macy's?"
"Dillards was the first store we came in, plus dillards is easy to steal from, at least the one in northgate is. that's where my friends be gettin' me stuff from" - #1 this isn't northgate, #2 if stealing is so easy, why did you get caught. Oh yeah..because you're stupid.

After the Dillard's in Northgate comment the security guy laughs and says, "Hey! I had a guy say that to me last week. Hey barry..remember that guy I caught we was on house arrest..he said the same thing!" - If you're on house arrest, shouldn't your ankle bracelet alert someone that you are roaming malls and stealing? Why aren't the police tracking you via bracelet? My guess..CPD's finest....always alert & on the case

ANNNND I'm BACK! (Love it!)

2006-05-29T22:25:00.000-05:00

I like when fugitives from other states come to hang out in our ghettos. What a better place for a fugitive to hang out than a crime-ridden, drug infested neighborhood? A man wanted for trying to kill a police officer in Arkansas was found during a drug investigation in the West End. WHAT?! People sell marijuana on Linn Street? I would've never thought.....
Now, I've heard that schools in the south were pretty bad, at least that's what I learned in that Written Word class at the mount (Dr. Luecke, total hippie..). Apparently they teach people to be stupid. When you are wanted for attempted capitol murder it's not a wise decision to start buying or selling drugs in the middle of a bad area where the city mayor is putting up an AWESOME front to lower crime rates. Genius Marcus Hicks, GENIUS! And by genius I mean douche bag, and the week is still young....

Summer is beginning like normal, a man may or may not be in the river. Apparently his wife reported him missing Sunday. The man lives on a house boat and the police are searching the river now. However, no one is actually sure if he's in the river. I find it interesting that the best hypothesis of his whereabouts currently is "the river...search the river."

In an interesting turn of events, Scott Peterson and one of the jurors who sentenced him to death row have become friendly pen pals. How does THAT happen? Here's what I think:
Dear Scott,
Sorry you have to die. I know it's 1/12 my fault.
Love, Random Juror.
Apparently their friendship started after this juror had a nervous breakdown over the trial and her therapist suggested she write a letter to Scott.
"Hmm, you have nightmares? this trial ruined your life? How about writing him a letter, and telling him that he ruined your life."
Well, now this juror describes Scott as a charming man. Well, I can think of another woman who found him charming, and he was so flattered that he chopped her pregnant body up and threw it in the bay. I smell a prison romance...and a bad true crime novel in the making.

Speaking of Californians being retarded, researchers in our favorite golden state claim to have a duck x-ray with what looks like an alien creature in the duck's stomach. Jigga What? Should someone be caned in this situation? Apparently this bird came in with a broken wing, and when they x-rayed the duck supposedly a very clear image of "a face, or a head, or an extraterrestrial.." Let me get this straight, it's a very clear image but you can't tell for sure if it's a bird, or a plane, or ET. "Um, we may have an alien here, we're not sure...just a very clear image". However, the world may never know, because the duck has died. I desperately want to believe an alien came tearing through it's stomach.....and did a little dance.

Old People and Near Death Experiences

2006-05-28T22:18:00.000-05:00

So, remember when I made fun of hill hoppinh teenagers? Well, it's my moment of truth, the REAL reason I was never one of those kids. The reasonis, when my brother was 16 and I was 12, he nearly killed us being one of those kids..it was a Dukes of Hazzard moment. You se,e there's this hill on my parent's street. It's not really a hill though, because it's more like a ramp. Also, my parents live on a busy street and the speed limit is 40, so the average speed is about 50-55 (it makes backing out of the driveway great fun!). So anyways, my brother and I were going somewhere in the 1979 Ford Fairmount he shared with my dad (until my brother killed it) and Scott is like "I can make the Fairmount fly Nik, it's fun," and I'm like "Let's not die today..we almost did that yesterday." He goes on about how it's only fun if you hit the hill at about 60. Well, he was going 60, we ramped the hill and then we almost died. We went airborne and then landed on the wrong side of the road, and my brother decided that maybe this wasn't such a great idea after all. He stopped ramping the hill for like a week or something. So, the Fairmount came up in conversation last week when my brother was in town and my dad says, "It's amazing now that the car is long dead and you have moved out all the stories of how you killed that car are coming out. I just found out last week that you used to ramp hills in it with your sister." Of course, Scott and I are dying laughing. Scott's response, "What? It was about the same size as a Dodge Charger, about the same age..and it was orange..why not play Dukes of Hazzard? Ok, so it wasn't orange..more like creamsicle."

Below is a picture of a Ford Fairmount just like the one in which I nearly lost my life (and the contents of my bladder).

Then, yesterday at work (Dillard's, hole of America..worse than Meijer), I was working in the Big & Tall section, which is where the men's bathroom is located. This old man (and I am talking old, like 90) goes into the bathroom and was in there for over 30 minutes. I was convinced that he had died. His granddaughter went in 3 times to check on him. So he finally comes out of the bathroom, which is in a little hallway. Well, also located in said hallway is the fire exit. You see where this is going right? Confused, elderly man comes out of the bathroom and opens the fire door, setting off the fire alarm. I turn around and see him walk away from the door..and he walks back to the bathroom. I had to go in and get him and he's like "I don't know how to get out of here," NO KIDDING GRANDPA!! So I show him the way out and an old lady who works with me (she's not 90, just 60) comes over looking for the key to turn off the alarm, and she's ranting the whole time (she's the crankiest old lady you've ever seen). She is like "He had to open that damn door! Leave it to old people to ruin everything. When I get that old I hope someone just shoots me like a horse!", and I'm like "when you get there?? you're already....nevermind."

Thats all my stories for now.enjoy the image.

Why I Moved: Pt. 2 - Gun Fights

2006-05-04T22:43:00.000-05:00

So what kind of person starts a gun fight on the interstate? An IGNORANT person, that's who. Don't we encounter this same potential for violence every time a rapper comes to town? As I recall, the first time 50 Cent performed here the whole town was up in arms over the potential for gun violence. I believe there had been gun violence at several of his previous shows. Although, I laughed the potential violence off as "it's just another reason for people in Cincinnati to shoot each other."

I don't care WHAT started the fight, I just want to let my feelings be known. WHO STARTS A GUN FIGHT WHILE GETTING ON THE INTERSTATE?! Is there nothing better to do at 3 in the morning than to go around shooting people? I guess the Po-Po was too busy saving OTR (which again begs the question WHY? Let it burn already, trust me..the locals will take care of that) to be outside the always crime-ridden Club Ritz. I have an idea for how the situation should've been handled: barricade the idiots in and let them kill each other, last one standing goes to jail and the world is a better place with about 20 less ignorant people. No one listens to me.

Best part: CPD says that the entourage did indeed return fire, but they don't expect to file charges. That's a great message Cincinnati, "Come to our city, act like an untrained baboon, get out of jail free." New City Slogan! "Please come and attempt to kill that locals, if you don't someone else will." Where's Super-Mayor Mallory on this one?

I'm not at all shocked that some boob brings 2 or 3 vans full of people to follow him around, and then they end up in a fight with the locals. I wonder if this is what happens in the south at a country-western bar post-Kenny Chesney concert? Although, rednecks would rather spit chew and throw down..rifles don't fit in those tight wranglers...

Lawn Mowers, Credit Cards and Crotchety Old Men

2006-05-03T05:06:00.000-05:00

So Aaron needed a lawn mower, so we made a trip to the Sears Appliance store near our house. My hero of the day showed himself in a light beam of grumpiness, and this is how it went down:

Young Kid: “So, this lady bought a refrigerator and had it delivered. When it was delivered she discovered it was too big for the space. We found another refrigerator that will fit, she wants to know if she will have to pay another delivery fee if she buys it.”
Crotchety Old Man: “Is she having it delivered?”
Young Kid: “yeah”
Crotchety Old Man: “Then she’ll have to pay the delivery fee, are we taking the old one back?”
Young Kid: “yeah”
Crotchety Old Man: “She’ll also have to pay a restocking fee”
Stupid Old Lady: “You mean I have to pay you to deliver it and take the other one back?”
Crotchety Old Man: “yes, you will be charged a restocking fee if we take it back”
Stupid Old Lady: “I already paid $60 to have the first one delivered, now you’re telling me I have to pay ANOTHER $60 to have this one delivered and a restocking fee?”
(here’s where it gets AWESOME!)
Crotchety Old Man: “Well Ma’am, we didn’t make the refrigerator too big”
Stupid Old Lady: (in a nasty tone) “Well I know that”

Dear Old Lady, You could've saved over $120 if you had just bought a tape measurer to begin with, but you didn't. Moral of the story: Being stupid is expensive. Don't be stupid and you won't have to pay money. Be lucky they are charging a stupid fee as well.

Aaron and I loved this, and he can thank ME for making him go to Linen’s N Things and Meijer first, otherwise we would’ve missed all the grumpy fun.

I love old, grumpy men.

Then yesterday at Dillards there was more grumpiness. An old man was attempting to use his Dillards credit card. However, he had cut the card up and sent it back to the credit card company because they failed to put all of his last name on the card and he wanted a card with his real name on it (imagine that). So, a call to the credit center was needed. I wasn’t actually helping this man, I was folding pants nearby. So anyways, this guy ends up on the phone YELLING “Look! I sent the card back and I wanted my name changed. I don’t see why this is so difficult for you to understand. You’ve made me angry now and I have a hearing problem, I don’t appreciate all that conversation in the background. I didn’t know I had to talk to India!” Now, that might not be verbatim, but it’s pretty close. I had a hard time hearing, since I ended up sitting on the floor laughing like a hyena.

Stay Tuned for "Why I Moved: Pt. 2 - Shootout on 75"

Immigrants Boycott.......I use MY First Amendmant rights

2006-05-01T23:42:00.000-05:00

Hmm, so illegal aliens are using MY constitutional right to assemble and boycott work and shopping. Guess what spics? Youre ALL FIRED! My favorite part: Benita Olmedo pulled her two children from a San Diego school today to march, she came here in 1986 illegally and she wants her kids to know shes not a criminal. Jigga what? Can you say not a criminal and came here illegally in the same sentence and think you arent a journalistic joke? If she came here illegally, she was a criminal. If she is STILL here illegally, A. shes retarded for putting herself on the news & B. SEND HER BACK ALREADY!!

Businesses who rely on immigrant labor had to shut down or slow down operations. The rest of the world doesnt notice, because Wendys is always slow. Even when you say pronto, suddenly they are like No habla espanol and Im like no habla englis, no habla espanol..what the funk do you habla?!

A crotchety old man in Florida (A.K.A. my hero of the day) was a counter-protester, and came up with the best idea yet. Send those aliens home and welfare recipients who are taking a free check should have to do their jobs. I love it! All I hear is how these hard working immigrants do the jobs no one else wants to do, Im sure there are plenty of starving bums, welfare recipients and high school kids who will flip burgers and sweep floors. However, unemployment rates rise faster than the number of Mexicans living on Main St. in Hamilton.

Heres my opinion, INS should sit at these protests and boycotts and start rounding them up. Theyre so dumb, theyre making it easy on them! Mexicans took the day off from raping young girls and flipping burgers to protest being law abiding citizens. My final thought: you wanted so badly to be a part of our country, then be a part of it! Become a citizen, pay taxes, and we dont care how many of you fit into a Dodge Caravan!

Here Ya Go!

2006-04-30T23:38:00.000-05:00

Here you go!

It's been a while..just far too long. Aaron & I are officially done moving stuff from the ghetto and we are now only fighting about how to unpack things. Fun times. I think I am starting to understand "irreconcilable differences". It means couples couldn't agree on which of their 14 closets to put board games. It also means we are super lame.

Clermont County was a never-ending source of intelligence this week. First, some kid kills himself or a friend (I wasn't really paying attention, all I saw on the news was a bunch of kids with carhart & camoflage..laughter insued and I ceased to pay attention) hill hopping out in the middle of nowhere. I will never figure out why kids think it's a great idea to drive 900 m.p.h. in the middle of nowhere, over hills, and the only thing around for miles to hit is trees and a ditch. It's a cry for help..HELP! We are stupid! THEN a volunteer managed to drown in the Little Miami River while helping to clean up litter and debris. As my dad says, "No good deed goes unpunished." Apparently, a few volunteers decided to cross the river to get to the other side (why did the chicken cross the road?) One man made it across, one man turned back, and one man drowned. It's a bad joke: three guys walk into a river...

So apparently if the bird flu doesn't get us, the mumps will. I'm not sure why everyone is so up in arms about the mumps. My brother had the mumps waaay back in the late 70's, he lived and he's fine. What's the big deal? So it makes men sterile? I honestly don't see the problem here. Maybe some of those who shouldn't reproduce will get mumps and save us a few stupid nuggets. Besides, MMR...isn't that a standard vaccination? Wasn't I required to have this before I could start kindergarten?

Oooooo, our mayor is SO tough! He says there's a serious effort being made to fight crime in Cincinnati. Yeah right, like there's a serious effort to catch whoever put a boot in my door? They are cracking down on drug dealers (cracking down on crack) in OTR. In the words of Ron Burgundy, "I don't believe you". Apparently police are doing sweeps through the area and have already seized 20 guns, shut down five blocks worth of open-air pot markets along Vine Street (everyone's FAVORITE cultural experience) and only 1 shooting has occured since the sweeps started, leading me to believe the sweeps just started yesterday. Mayor Mark Mallory is walking the streets of OTR with a body guard, and some random kid "C.J." has this to say about the mayor being in the ghetto: "You probably would need a bodyguard 'cause you're going through some (expletive) trying to get these (expletive) off the streets." Oh OTR, stay the same..never change, for posterities sake!

In exciting celebrity news, Keith Richards has been hospitalized after he fell from a palm tree in Fiji. Why does it not surprise me that the Rolling Stone who can't speak also cannot climb trees? Here's a 62 year old man who looks about 78, always has a cigarette handy, and has smoked & acid-ed (yup, I said it!) more brain cells than the average washed up rocker...and he falls from a tree. I think what really happened is he is riverting back to his primate roots and climbing back down the evolution tree. Keith Richards, knuckle dragger.

Douche bag of the week: Brit Adam Kidrom, who release the spanish version of the Star-Spangled Banner in order to honor America's immigrants. First, there are more immigrants in America than those friggin' Mexicans. Second, WE SPEAK ENGLISH IN AMERICA!! A Brit of all things should know this. George W.s response to whether or not the National Anthem should be sung in Spanish makes my heart sing: I think the National Anthem ought to be sung in English, and I think people who want to be a citizen of this country ought to learn English and they ought to learn to sing the National Anthem in English. A remix of the Spanish version is already planned, and they are already planning on inserting slogans to complain about U.S. immigration laws. Slogans like These kids have no parents, cause all of these mean lawslets not start a war with all these hard workers, they cant help where they were born. However, they CAN help the fact that they choose to come here and do things illegally. They choose not to, and therefore I think we should choose to send them all back to where they came from, and if the boat sinks on the waywell, you win some you lose some. Yes, this country was built by immigrants, however they created laws and now these newbies feel they are above all that (you know, taxes and stuff) and Im raging pissed when I go to Wendys and I cant order without saying numero quatro..pronto mi amigo.

Yeah, that pope..he's a real genius. He says that lack of true love is the reason for the increase in failed marriages. WHAT?! You mean people get married for reasons other than love? No way! I mean, I thought all those people who got married because they were knocked up were really in love. Or when people make comments like "if you've dated for a year, you're ready to get married..." Yeah, that's real love, putting a time limit on the appropriate time for dating. Sometimes I want to claw my skin off......

In other horrible news I've learned that Meijer now carries a "personal massager" near the pregnancy tests...it amounts to a vibrator. They also sell vibrating rings. I think the fact that Meijer is competing with the Hustler store is far more disturbing than the guy who used to ask me for extra small condoms..I mean, at least he was mentally handicapped.

Judas' Story, Tased Pigs, Grillz & Greasy Mexicans (literally!)

2006-04-08T23:12:00.000-05:00

SWEET! After thousands of years there’s a new book of the Bible. “The Gospel of Judas”. I’m so excited to hear Judas’ side of the story, all I can really think is that feminist bumper sticker Dr. Luecke had “Eve was framed.” Only..Judas instead of Eve. According to the document Judas defends his betrayal stating he did only what Jesus told him to do. So..Dear Judas, If you were fulfilling the Lord’s request, why did you hang yourself? Just Wondering.

Oh, this is awesome! Live pigs are being used to test military taser guns. I love it!! I’m sure PETA does too…There’s a video @ wlwt.com under the weird news section. This PETA lady is all “boo-hoo WAAAA! The pigs are clearly screaming!”. Ok, PETA you come up with a better solution, no wait..because I have one. Why doesn’t the Dept. of Defense start testing different taser devices on members of PETA. Then they’ll shut up about animal testing and the rest of us can be happy that we don’t have to listen to them whine. Honestly, the only people who would volunteer to be the subject for taser studies aren’t mentally stable. Therefore, they aren’t qualified to sign the informed consent papers and won’t be allowed to participate in the study. Thanks Ron White, for all the health care ethics knowledge….and that anal raping, it was much appreciated.

Remember the one eyed kitty?? (see blog archive: Jan. 13, 2006). It’s going to be a museum centerpiece. I just wish I could say the word Kitty without thinking of that song by Presidents of the United States blah blah…you know..the song that wasn’t Lump. This was all really irrelevant.

In a news story that I’m surprised didn’t come from Cincinnati, but rather Tacoma WA, federal agents wanted to seize the gold tooth caps from 2 suspected drug dealers. Apparently, dental work (almost) qualified as assets that can be seized. The druggies were actually in the car on the way to a local dentist before a judge stopped laughing long enough to pound the gavel. Apparently there is some confusion about these teeth: The prosecutors wanted the gold caps as evidence (can you hide crack in your caps?) and believed that they slipped on and off like a retainer. Yes, some do..however, not all of them. Congrats on the research guys. The defense was concerned for the dental health of their client and persuaded the judge to stop the nonsense because “it would damage their teeth to remove the caps”. Who cares? $100 says their dental hygiene is less than acceptable to begin with, so who cares if their teeth are damaged or not?

Quote of the day: “The gold-capped teeth known as “Grills” have been made populare by some rappers.”

Only in California: a principal (my hero) greased to fence of his high-school with wheel-bearing grease in order to deter students from skipping class. Why were they skipping? To join the immigration protests. That’s classic right there. Here’s a better tactic: Just hire guys to wear INS jackets and stand outside the school, that’ll keep the kids inside. However, the tactic wasn’t very successful as 300 students left anyways. Pissed off, illegal immigrant parents are upset because their kids ended up covered in grease. Well, then maybe they should stay in school..or better yet, maybe your family should’ve stayed in Mexico. Freaking aliens. They are worse than the homeless.

Random Nuggets of Stupid

2006-04-07T23:17:00.000-05:00

Hmm, America is getting fat?? NO WAY! New problem: Kids are now becoming too fat for their car seats. Apparently most 3 year olds are over the 40 pound weight limit for the average car seat. Unless these 3 year olds are unusually tall, they are most definitely unusually fat. Haley is now 4, she no longer rides in a car seat (older kids get booster seats), she is about 30 pounds and is exceptionally tall for her age. She does not fall into fat kid in a little car seat syndrome. So now, to combat Fat Kid Syndrome, car seat manufacturers are making larger sized car seats, and calling them “Husky” models. I find this incredibly helpful, because not only is your toddler fat, now they have a self-esteem problem because their first memory is of their husky sized car seat. I’m really surprised fat baby parents aren’t in an outrage over this husky issue, I mean..in the 1970’s it was one thing to have Wrangler jeans that came in husky sizes, but this is 2006. Liberals have taken over, and SURELY there is a politically correct way to say fat kids and I’m positive it isn’t “husky”. I mean, if there’s a more p.c. way to refer to a dumpster…..

Here’s a surprise: People don’t find themselves to be annoying. That’s funny, because I find other people to be annoying…

In a recent poll among cell phone users only 8% cared enough about their own personal integrity to admit that their cell phone usage is annoying to others. Some random old lady (NOT Judy Dench) complains that it’s always college kids talking about personal stuff that gets on her nerves because she doesn’t care to hear it. My response: then stop eavesdropping grandma! Turn down the Belltone and move on! Seriously, they aren’t talking to you so don’t worry about what they’re yakking about. My favorite person surveyed was from Colorado. She’s like “I have to have a cell phone. I have kids and I need the freedom to be the places I need to be.” Where does she need to be that she can’t take her kids? I think what she’s really saying is “I have kids and I want to leave them somewhere and know that someone can call me when I’m at the bar and I can pretend to be a more responsible parent..not that I really care.” She also goes on to grumble something about having a cell phone means people can reach her anytime. No it doesn’t, because cell phones have power buttons. If you don’t want to be bothered, turn it off. Here’s another thought: just don’t answer. My dad raised me with this mindset: just because the doorbell or phone rings doesn’t mean you have to answer it, it just means someone wants to waste your time.”

More surprises:

28% admit they don’t drive as safely as they should because they are on their cell phones. My response: the other 72% are LYING! I dodge all you stupid kids, soccer moms & corporate yuppies and the “don’t drive safe” is an understatement. You’re a death waiting to happen, especially that one guy who used to follow me down 71 every morning. No lie, he’d be on his cell phone AND reading the newspaper. God and I got very close that semester..
36% are in SHOCK at the size of their monthly service bills. How is this even possible? Can’t you get like 10 million minutes for $49.95 a month or something now? I don’t even scratch the surface of using my minutes up, and these people are in shock because their bills are so high? I’m in some shock of my own..over the idiocy. Maybe I would be in shock too, if I hadn’t been raised not to answer the phone…..

Self-Indulgent Bloggy Blog!

2006-04-07T23:14:00.000-05:00

As promised, a blog..dedicated to my new niece, Miss Caelan Ruth Meyer. She's beautiful and I love her..and you can't stop me from posting her beautiful pictures here!

~*~ Caelan Ruth Meyer ~*~
B. March 30, 2006
7 lbs. 9 oz. 20 3/4 in. long
and AWESOME!

Caelan sleeping..cause she's a baby, and it's what they do!

SISTERS!

Haley & Caelan..feel the excitement

Kirstie Alley = DRAG QUEEN and other rants

2006-04-03T23:50:00.000-05:00

Ok, I know I can't be the only one thinking this: Kirstie Alley looks like a drag queen these days. Really, she looks exceptionally manish. Sorry, I tend to spaz out at Jenny Craig commercials....

So, back in September there was a body found left in a dumpster. Back in September the news was referring to is as a dumpster. However, NOW the news has decided to get all politicallu correct about garbage and it's now a "body found in a trash receptacle". I find this new wording unacceptable. Clarification? SURE! By definition a receptacle is anything that holds items or matter. Therfore, a TRASH receptacle would be anything that holds an item or matter of trash. A. This means our politically correct news is now referring to a dead body as trash, that's someone's family ya know! B. A "trash receptacle" could range anywhere from a plastic sand bucket to one of those PODS things they advertise on T.V...as long as it holds matter of trash. Besides, when I think trash receptacle I think kitchen garbage can, and who stuffs a body in there? Well...we are dealing with OTR geniuses...

Here's an example of CPD at it's finest. "Police Search for Stabbing Victim". Yeah, probably about as hard as they search for home invaders and car thieves, but we won't get into that right now. Apparently a man admitted to stabbing another man in some woods on Central Parkway. How much searching should need to be done? Did this lunatic stab a miracle of modern science? Is there not a blood trail to follow? Is this like that movie "City of Angels" where the guy doesn't bleed when he cuts his finger? The cops decided to go door to door, not selling donuts, but in search of the stabbing victim. Door to Door? Apparently CPD has been taking lessons from Avon when it comes to fighting crime. How about checking local hospitals? If I get stabbed, I'm not going back home. "Honey, get me a beer..I've been stabbed." Maybe this man is a miracle, and he didn't bleed. I can imagine the scenario: "Hey Jo-Jo...go ahead stab me..see if I bleed. Oh dang..I do bleed..go tell the po-po!!". Dumbest city ever..

Now, as irritating as this city might be, I think I stay for the good news stories. If Cincinnati is boring, I can always count on Hamilton to provide entertainment. It's Monday and we have a winner for the douchebag award, because I don't know that this can be topped. A knife-weilding psycho moron jumped over the pharmacy counter at a Wal-Greens in Hamilton and demanded OxyContin. Though she works in Hamilton, the pharmacist isn't a TOTAL boob, because she handed over the goods and let the psycho baboon go. A few hours later this douchie shows up in the Ft. Hamilton Hospital ER after overdosing on OxyContin. That's pure genius right there. And heres genius for you to marvel at! (i know you all like the visuals)

Remember that Haitian lady who landed in Hollywood Florida a few months ago with a skull in her bag? Well, she's being charged with: smuggling a human head into the United States without proper documentation, Failure to declare a human head, and Transporting hazardous material in air commerce. I love it. What qualifies for proper documentation for a human head? Is there even a place on the form the declare a human head? "Um stewardess, I declared all of my alcohol and the 14 pounds of cocaine in my bag..but there's not a box to check for the human head in my carry-on..what should I do?" Her defense is AWESOME by the way: "I need the head to ward off evil spirits." I think "evil spirits" means "I was a hired hitman and I need to carry the skull as proof that I did the deed in order to collect the kiz-ash". I also like that she gets a plea deal to avoid deportation. I mean, this skull was complete with human hair, teeth and skin!! Elian Gonzalez, you are 6 years old and sailed across the Gulf of Mexico on half a barrel and a Cadillac tire, Get thee back to Cuba you terrorist! Crazy Haitian lady with a human skull, just plea out, pay the fine...and don't make a voodoo doll of me, enjoy some tax-free American living as an illegal alien. Am I sensing a double standard?

Countdown to Caelan Begins

2006-03-28T04:12:00.000-05:00

I will be an aunt again no later than Thursday. My brother called and the doctor says he will induce my sister in law on Thursday, which I think means Caelan will be here Wednesday. Haley decided to appear the day before her induction date, so we shall see.

So, this douche bag in Maryland rode a subway train to Washington D.C. before realizing he had forgotten his 7 month old daughter in the car. He had a "memory flash" in Washington and got on a train back to Maryland. By the time douchie got back to his car concerned citizens had already alerted authorities to the situation, and baby was then safe with mommy (who I'm sure was ready to stab daddy..with a 3 inch paring knife). The man was supposedly "terrified and embarrassed". I'd be terrified too, because I'm sure mommy is like a mother bear and ready to eat this guy. He's being charged with leaving a child under 8 unattended, could face a hefty fine of $500 and 30 days in jail. The defense is lame, and is that dad isn't normally in charge of the baby's childcare arrangements. Well, I can see why! Maybe I'm just different, but when I have something new going on I typically remember it, because I make the extra effort to remember. I forget mundane things, like putting on my watch. Do I think dad meant baby harm? No. Do I think Dad should be more observant? Yes. Would I beat Aaron with a herring if he left my kid in a car? Yes, after I finished beating him with an ironing board..because that's what Martha Stewart would do, and then knit a shawl.

A new study shoes that it's becoming increasingly difficult to find "new blood" in the clergy. By new blood, they mean church leaders under 35 years old. The study shows:

<5% United Methodist Clergy
4% Episcopal clergy
5% Evangelical Lutheran clergy
7% Presbyterians clergy
3% Catholic clergy
12.7% Church of Nazarene clergy

It says nothing about Baptists here, and I'm not sure if they mean actual head of churches or if associate pastors/priests count. However, I'm just going to go by my own churches staff. There have always been associate pastors under 35 in my lifetime, usually they are the youth leaders. However, one must be voted in to the position of head pastor in our church, and there's a ton of old people there, so if you're young..good luck with that.

I think the reason Baptists have an easier time than Catholics getting young priests is that Baptist's encourage marriage and horniness. No joke. Aaron and I had to sit through marriage counseling with an associate pastor (who's under 35) who told us he has sex with his wife 6+ times a week. He is not an attractive man, and his wife looks like an elf. The mental image has been scarring me ever since. On the flip side, Catholics don't encourage marriage or sex for their clergy, and I can't think of any guy under 35 who's swearing off sex. Asking horny guys to give up sex? Forgive me Father, but I'm not stupid. And I keep thinking of this crazy girl from PT school, who had like 7 brothers and sisters..and she was a total crack head alcoholic. She announces one day in class that her mom used to be a nun and her dad was training to be a priest..then they met each other and gave up celibacy.

March is "Women's History Month!". Is this really necessary? Do we need minority history months? I'm moving to Canada when we start having Mexican history month, Cinco De Mayo is bad enough. Let me break down women's history for you: Eve fashioned from Adam's rib, Eve talks to snakes, Eve eats fruit from Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, Eve gets us all cursed (in turn I curse her every 28 days), women submit for thousands of years until Susan B. Anthony throws a fit so we can vote (and gets herself on a silver dollar), Amelia Earhart flies a plane into oblivion, thousands of women burn bras (and now have tits around their waist), Britney Spears & Paris Hilton set the entire gender back by centuries just by being their stupid selves…….and THAT'S women's history.

Apparently poor hospital patients in LA are being dropped off in sketchy areas of town. Literally, they are being dropped off still wearing hospital gowns. There's video on WLWT.COM to prove it. A taxi cab was video-taped dropping a woman off in front of a city mission. The woman couldn't remember anything that was going on. I think this practice is mildly funny, although I am pretty sure it breaks the Hippocratic Oath.

Cincinnati is going CRAZY!

2006-03-28T01:09:00.000-05:00

It's been a CRAZY week in Cincinnati. Big week for dead people as well. A car, complete with dead body (yes, like an accessory. Barbie's Ferrari didn't come with Barbie…) was found in the river. THEN a dead man's remains were found in some woods in Kentucky. This man may have been there for several years. Hmm, the least someone could have done was put him in a room with the air conditioner on, you know..preserve the body a little bit. That would be a new and original idea.

Then..SHOOTINGS!! IN CINCINNATI!! IT'S NEWS!!! First, my favorite: A robber shot a man in the hand on Vine St. in Corryville for approximately $50. First, why would you wander around Corryville with $50 for someone to steal. Second, who in Corryville HAS $50 for someone to steal? Another man was shot in his home in Evanston, and is now paralyzed. I'm truly amazed, I mean..who knew people got shot for stupid reasons in Corryville on Vine St. of all safe places. As for someone being shot in Evanston, well THAT is new. The real news here should be that 2 people were shot but amazingly no one died, merely maimed and paralyzed.

A woman is being accused of stabbing her daughter in the back..literally. No joke, stabbed her own kid in the back with a 3-inch paring knife. Apparently they were fighting over a cell phone, and some chicken wings..and a watermelon rind. Ok, I might've made up part of that..but the cell phone part was true. Cell phones must be the new Starter jackets. Remember back in the early 90's when you could get killed in the ghetto for a San Jose Sharks starter jacket and a pair of Reebok Pumps?

What's the deal with West Chester going nuts? Word (not WERD) is out that I am moving back, so the florist up the street from my parent's house was robbed Friday. The flower shop was robbed by a man wearing a black headband and a blue button down shirt. Nothing says "I'm a total yuppie meth-head" like robbing a florist wearing a blue button down shirt. I hope he didn't get anything on the Dockers he was probably wearing. I need to know more about this headband as well. I mean, was it like a plastic headband that you buy for your 4 year old little girl, or was it like an ear warmer? I'm going for the plastic headband, it fits the meth-head persona a little better.

Best headline ever, and it comes out of Cincinnati. "Gun-Toting Robber Gets Cigarettes, Cookies". It comes really close to beating "Timberland Wearing Robber Gets $1 and a Bowling Ball". Apparently the UDF on..surprise surprise Vine Street was robbed. The man walked out with 1 pack of cigarettes and two cookies. I am SINCERELY hoping this is the same guy who robbed my house. Because this would really top things off for me when I wore his coat to court, even if it was in July.

Aaron & I were just watching the local news and someone was shot in the neck about 2 miles from our house. Aaron's response "and people wonder why I'm in a hurry to move outta here..."

Professional Athletes Irritate Me...

2006-03-27T01:08:00.000-05:00

It's getting to be baseball season, so it's time for some good baseball news dontcha think? And by good baseball news I mean Red's catcher Jason LaRue (who is so spectacular he gets boo-ed everytime I'm at a game) is getting paid millions to sit around for the next two weeks. Which means he gets paid millions to miss opening day. Wait, should I capitalize that, since it's like a holiday here? Opening Day! See, I exclaimed it a holiday & festive. Our friend Jason is having knee surgery to repair torn cartilage. Allow me to elaborate, in case you aren't getting the full effect yet. Jason gets paid MILLIONS because he can catch a ball and can squat for hours on end. His job to is crouch down and catch balls….how hard is that? And he gets paid MILLIONS. It's not as if any boob couldn't do this job, and the average boob would shut the heck up about their knee and just do their job. It's not like he's a power hitter..he's the catcher. They are one step above pitchers in the power hitting ranks. He gets paid millions to catch a ball…oh wait, for the next 2 weeks he's getting paid millions to eat ice cream and cry. Here's a sample of it would be like if I owned the Reds:

Jason LaRue: WAAA! My knee hurts
Me: Shut up, so does mine. Man up and get back to work

Professional athletes are the whiniest people in the nation, except that lady who squats on Bush's ranch. Hey wait, she's good at squatting and she's a boob, maybe the Red's should sign her....

George W. is coming to town to celebrate my anniversary. You see, G.W. and I, we are great friends. Actually, I'm just a big fat liar. He's throwing out the first pitch for Opening Day, which happens to be on my 2 year anniversary (Aaron I like nice things..). However, G.W. will NOT be throwing out the opening pitch to Jason LaRue. Since that would interrupt the ice cream time. However, I'd pay BIG money to see George throw the first pitch to a squatting Cindy Sheehan

Bones to Pick

2006-03-22T22:44:00.000-05:00

So, I have a new bone to pick, this time it's with "homeless" people. I'm not talking about the trolls who live in lawn chairs under the bridges along I-75, I'm referring to the people who stand on corners, in front of stadiums, and off interstate exits with signs saying things like "HOMELESS anything will help, God Bless" with peace signs and crosses drawn on them with black crayon. Or my favorite signs "HOMELESS. War Veteran. God Bless" . If this is true, every war veteran since World War 2 is sitting around Cincinnati, being homeless and troll-like.

Ok, if you are clean and wearing new shoes I'm not likely to believe that you're homeless. I'm not even likely to believe that you're really that poor. Obviously you could afford shoes and to pay your water bill. Humor me, roll around in the dirt, don't comb your hair, don't stand there with a sign in one hand and food in the other!

There is this lady who stands off the Montana Avenue exit on 74, her sign is written on the other side of a Marlboro sign. 90% of the time when I pass her she's got a big gulp on the ground next to her. You are "homeless" and "hungry"..was 64 ounces of cola necessary? 75% of the time she's smoking. This is worse than homeless people who use your hard earned money for alcohol. If you are so poor and destitute you can't afford a pot to pee on don't expect me to give you money so you can blow smoke in my face. Last week she was hanging out with some guy laughing and carryong on in a convenient store parking lot. Homeless people don't have friends who wear nice clothes and smoke with them. If she WAS homeless, I could see why. She blows all of her money on stupid stuff. My idea of homeless, anything will help isn't "homeless, marlboro's & big gulps = life". I really despise this lady, especially when she rides around on a little pink bike like a circus clown. SHE'S NOT HOMELESS!!

I remember being like 9 or 10 and there was this place called "Phamor" over by Forest Fair. It has long since been out of business but my mom and I used to go there every Saturday. There was this lady with her son who used to stand by the entrance/exit of the parking lot with a sign that said "Jobless, being evicted by husband, need money." This lady was wearing a brand new coat. Then the next week her kid was wearing brand new Nike's. Need money nothing! One week, she left her son at home..but she carried a brand new purse. My favorite was the week she stayed hom and sent her mom out with the kid. So here's this shriveled up old lady with a 10 year old kid standing on a corner begging for moeny. The grandma had a sign like "daughter homeless, needs money" and I'm like "if you're so concerned, why don't you take her in grandma?" Because they aren't homeless, they are just lady. This lady would even stand outside in her coat, fake shivering in 70 degree weather in an attempt to look more pathetic. Um, you're pretending to be homeless...can you get any more pathetic? Mom and I would always point and laugh as we drove by...in our warm car. I felt sorry for that kid, not because I ever believed he was homeless but because how messed up would you be if your mom made you spend your Saturday afternoons pretending to be homeless? "No Billy, I can't come over and watch cartoons today, I have to be homeless..mom says so." Seriously, I bet this kid has been through so much therapy....or Jack Daniels.....

Finally, there's that guy who sits outside the stadium, with his dog. Neither the dog, nor this guy look malnourished. Plus, the dog has tags. To what address do you register your dog when you're homeless? I would LOVE to know. The last time I saw this guy he and his dog were eating Skyline. He put his coney down long enough to wave his lame "I'm homeless & hungry. I love my dog" sign in my face...while I kicked dirt on his coney because he was lying & not homeless. Besides..if he's so hungry, maybe he should save his money and eat the dog.

So, my friends, here's my opinion of the fake homeless: You're more pathetic than the REAL homeless. I mean, it's one thing to be homeless by choice, it's totally more ridiculous to pretend to be homeless by choice. Here's a thought: GET A JOB! (that's for real and fake homeless people.) McDonald's doesn't require a high school diploma, heck! they don't even require a pulse. Just fill out an application and don't urinate in the fries, it's that easy. Better yet, get a job brushing the teeth of quadriplegics. If monkeys can stop throwing feces long enough to fetch a toothbrush, so can you.

I'm pathetic, I'm lame, I'm poor, but I have some pride and I will NOT stand around with a cardboard sign and my license to panhandle begging for a big gulp and a 79 cent taco from Taco Bell. Hmm, there's an idea, send all of our homeless people running for the boarder. Mexico sends us all their "finest", maybe it's time we return to favor.

It's a Hullabaloo!

2006-03-18T09:02:00.001-05:00

DOUCHE BAG OF THE WEEK! I know you all sit and wait for this award. I'm glad to hear that stupidity exists elsewhere besides Cincinnati. In case you all couldn't tell yet, I"m not really a fan of child molesters or rapists, as if that needs to be said. Like child molesters have fans...but anyways. So a judge in Columbus (or C-Bus if you guys like that) allowed a plea deal that let a 46 year old man who was being charged with 20 counts of rape to only be convicted on 2 counts of sexual battery. This guy won't even go to jail! He just has to be labeled as a sexual predator, be on house arrest, be on probation, and do some sort of "don't rape people" treatment.

Basically, this repeat offending jerk off rapist gets off pretty much scott-free. Does anyone really believe house arrest is going to be affective? Like he really cares about this treatment? He's sitting around laughing like "yeah..treatment..piss off judicial system." Probation?? Probation from WHAT, raping children? And how much does the state REALLY follow sexual predators? I mean, it's on the news weekly about a sexual predator living too close to a school or daycare, and it's usually the residents alerting the media to the problem. Best part of the story, this sicko is moving to Hamilton County. File this under, "Why I'm Moving: Vol. 2"!! The judge's statement is that the rapist would've gotten 100 years in prison if he had been convicted of the charges and not pled out. 100 years in prison vs. no jail time. Yeah, it seems fair to me too. Who allows a plea bargin like this to happen? Douche bag of the week, that's who. Hamilton County prosectutor has some uplifting advice for parents regarding this situation: "If you live on McMicken in Clifton, I'd be watching your kids closely. He is going to re-offend." That's fantastic, how about CPD and Hamilton County do something to prevent that? I have a question, If you live on McMicken in Clifton, why??

On to other things. In an interesting turn of Oscar events, the author of Brokeback Mountain (the book) has gotten rather bitter and started referring to "Crash" as "Trash". Wow, what a clever use of words there. Now, I'm sure we all know how I feel about Crash, however the irony here is not lost on me. This person writes a book about gay cowboys and sits around calling anything else trash. Yeah, whatever lady. I'm using your book as toilet paper this week because I find that to be it's best ust, therefore I am denying you the right to brush your shoulders off.

This news is fantastic! A man in California drives a garbage truck right? Weel, he drove it right into his own car. Now he is suing the city for damages to his car, since he was working for the city at the time he carelessly wrecked into his own car. Essentially, he is suing himself. Now, hopefully the court won't waste time and money and this case will be thrown out. However, I think this guy falls into a close second for douche bag of the week. Only in California..

Michael Douglas became a new favorite of mine earlier this week when he was in an apparently irritable mood and decided to sit and celebrity bash during an interview. Some Michael quotes I know we'll all heart:

"I just don't know about Brad Pitt leaving that beautiful woman to go hold orphans for Angelina Jolie. I mean, how long is that going to last?"

"Don't ask me what happened with Renee Zellweger and her ex-husband Kenny Chesney. I don't know how you can be married for four months."

"And what about Julia and Lyle. There must be some incredible things you find out one night."

I love that he takes time to rant about Julia and Lyle, even though they've been done for about a decade. I love when celebs turn into haters...

Can I Get a Monkey to Potty Train My Baby??

2006-03-18T08:51:00.000-05:00

Yes THAT'S my new question. The other morning I was up way to early and was watching the early morning news. You know those local news shows in the mornings, all they show is the overnight murders and a whole lot of irrelevant news. So anyways, they are talking about this upcoming news story and I'm thinking "this is going to be the most awesome and disgusting thing I've ever seen!" The story was "Potty Training Your 5 Week Old." I thought to myself "I heard they do this with China babies, this I've got to see." Yes, there was actually a 9 week old baby that sat on a little baby potty and peed on the morning news. The mom is all hippie like "you need to know the signs that a baby needs to go, like holding their breath or crying." There are even books about learning good technique. Then she pulls out what looks like a plastic blue sand pail that you took to the beach when you were little and puts this baby on it, then she starts talking in her soothing, mommy voice about the weather or something and the next thing you hear is pee hitting the bucket. It was disgusting and fascinating and creepy all at the same time. It was a great way to start my day.

Then they show an even better story which made me think, "I had that idea like 2 years ago." ASSISTANCE MONKEYS! Seriously, they have these monkeys that help disabled people take care of themselves. These monkeys open doors, get you food, help you get dressed, change the channel on the TV, and even brush your teeth. I need a monkey that dresses me and brushes my teeth, it would give me another 15 minutes of sleeping time in the morning. This monkey is trained to not throw feces at you or smoke your cigarettes, which is good because if you required a monkey to hold your cigarette and he taunted you by lighting it for himself..and then throwing feces at you, you probably wouldn't be very happy. I'll admit, I'm a little jealous of quadriplegics right now. I mean, who needs to walk or use their arms when you have a fetching monkey that will brush your teeth? For St. Patrick's day, I was just green with envy....

St. Patrick's what?!

2006-03-17T23:33:00.000-05:00

St. Patrick?? My brother is no saint....but his daughter is...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY HALEY!

Let's recap some life of Haley...

Here's Haley straight from the womb, I think the reason babies cry is because it's like someone has suddenly turned on the lights in their world. Think about how much it sucks to turn on the lights in the morning after only 8 hours in the dark....I'm sure it's worse after 9 months.

Haley's First Birthday! She's eating like a pound of cake in this picture, however all she really ate was the icing. Then she lost interest, she didn't even rub it in her hair.

Haley's Second Birthday! This was before Aaron became the human slide, before Haley was pushed off the human slide by her cousin, and this is before anyone cried.

Haley's Third Birthday! Things got sophisticated here, and Haley had a Snow White Party, as you can see complete with costume.

This year, as Haley is turning 4 she is also days away from becoming a big sister. She is very excited and I promise that there are pictures to follow in the next few months of both Haley's 4th year and Baby Caelan. Enjoy my braggy self-indulgent posting.

Turn Signal? What's That?!

2006-03-17T00:50:00.000-05:00

Aaron blogged about this and I’m going to sound off as well. 57% of American drivers don’t use their turn signals when changing lanes, and I LOVE the excuses they use:

42% claim they don’t have time. Don’t have time?! What the funk is going on that you don’t have time to bump a switch? This is not a task that requires time. It’s not as if you have to actually stop the car to use the signal. I’m calling BULL on this excuse.

23% are too lazy. Congratulations! At least you’re honest, but you are also the laziest people in America. Not only is this a task that doesn’t require any time, it also doesn’t require any effort. Your hand is RIGHT NEXT TO IT!!!! Come on, humor me..just bump it with your hand, even if it’s on accident. It would actually require more effort for me to punch you all in the face than it would for you to use the signal.

17% are claiming they forget to turn it off…WTF?! You don’t have to actually push it down all the way, just a little bit. Then it doesn’t stay on. You people are idiots. You deserve to be punched more than the last group of lazies.

12% just change lanes to frequently to bother with the hassle of the signal. This is the same 12% that weaves in and out of traffic at 95 m.p.h. and I yell that I hope to see them a few miles ahead planted into the middle divider on the highway. Seriously, change lanes too frequently?! Unbelievable! These are the people who are in a big hurry to get nowhere..except dead.

11% don’t find it important. Yeah, it’s not that important until you change lanes into that F-150 with your Ford Focus because neither of you find the turn signal an important part of lane changing. Was getting into the middle lane quicker really worth your life? Because p.s. F-150 trumps Focus…think about it

8% blame others, because you see..other’s aren’t using it either. I can only hope all the other’s drive off a bridge and that this 8% follows their lead. These human lemmings are the same people that have no personalities because they've spent their entire lives following other people around..so lame

7% say it adds excitement. HUH? Excitement? How lame is your life that living on the edge = not using the turn signal? How is driving anymore exciting by not using the turn signal? I’ll give you excitement..it looks like road rage and my middle finger.

My favorite part of this whole story is that no one use my dad’s excuse for not using the turn signal. Considering Polio Man taught me how to drive, it’s amazing that I use my turn signals (at least 90% of the time). Dad’s excuse “when you use the signal, the guy behind you or in front of you sees that you are changing lane and just to be a jerk cuts you off.” I’ve called bull on this excuse as well, and I’m glad to see that my dad is the only person who thinks this way. Ahh, embrace the Wayne-isms (or conspiracy theories, however you refer to them).

Bowling

2006-03-13T02:19:00.000-05:00

So, bowling is the new pink. No Joke. So, we go bowling every sunday, because it's cheap fun.....and better than hookers, with slightly less chance of picking up a disease. So anyways..we bowl.

So, tonight we are bowling and this group of annoying girls and one boy come over and start bowling on the lane next to us. First, they are like 19, then the one girl starts attempting to flirt with Aaron. I liked when she goes "Can I use your ball" and Aaron's like "jigga what". No, he didn't really say that...I was thinking it though. THEN this weird girl keeps talking to me & my friend. She was all about telling us how we can all share the balls and then I bowl a strike and this weirdo is like "yeah girl, brush your shoulders off" Yeah..ladies is pimps too..I'm a "true playa" because I have my own bowling shoes. I love attracting idiots.

I'm still mourning the loss of my ball..."The Lynn", "The Grape", "The Purple Monster"...oh Brunswick Fling, what pawn shop are you in? Le Sigh..

I've decided that there needs to be a bowling ball hate crime, and Capt. Bowl here will be the one to commit said hate crime.

Why I'm Moving: Vol. 1

2006-03-13T02:18:00.000-05:00

So yeah, we're moving. Not because my street is inhabited by 93% black people, not because the S.W.A.T. team likes to play across the street, not because of that guy who got shot in a crack fight and then got run over by a car, not because we got robbed..but because ALL of these things. There's only so much humor that can be had by being INSIDE the police tape because someone else inside that tape is a gun-wielding crack-snorting retard, and his helmet is missing.

I've learned a lot by living within the city limits, things like living in District 3 means it takes about a half hour to get a cop to your house. If you die, at least the 911 operator will get to hear it. I've learned that BW-3's is THE place to be if you've just stolen a car. I've learned that all black men go by nicknames, like Jay-Jay, Wee-wee or "Big Shot" (he lives down the street and his real name is Michael Jackson). Also, because District 3 is so large, if you think someone might be hurt in place of police officers 911 sends Firemen. Some firemen are hotter than others, but I think that goes for all fire fighters. Like in West Chester, where they make the rookies by groceries at Meijer..and some rookies are pretty (like Ryan Reynolds) and some rookies look more like a male Alanis Morisette.

Today I was sitting on the couch and I heard the screech..you know the screech. And I was like WAIT FOR IT….BANG! So I'm thinking "SWEET!" because I enjoy instant gratification. So I run to the front door and open it and I see a cavalier with a dodge caravan planted in the trunk, and lots of smoke..then I see the caravan in reverse and then I see it speed off..air bags deployed and everything. Nothing says "I'm a wanted felon without car insurance" like a hit and run. So, because I'm a responsible citizen, I called 911. I explained the situation, and it took less than 5 minutes for a cop to arrive. While I'm on the phone, I look up and I'm like "I'm in a Dane Cook sketch". No Lie, there were people EVERYWHERE, literally in bushes, balconies, porches, windows..and I couldn't just not laugh at the irony. Back to the cops arriving..they get there in 5 minutes. So…lesson of the day for me: if your house gets robbed, CPD will be there when they finish their "business" at Dunkin Donuts. If you are in a hit and run, they'll be right over. I should've gotten hit by a car that day, it may have sped up the process. Anyways, so I stand there forever because I thought they might need a witness statement, but apparently not. Now, I am just going to ranty rant about the CPD for a bit, because I can. Why is it that I get the SHAFT from the police? Their excuse for time delays on processing evidence collected from my house "well, we caught a serial rapist this week." Well, that's all good and well but don't I pay taxes as well? Am I less important because I didn't get raped by the Insane Fubu Posse (IFP…they don't throw faygo, they throw 40's..or FO-TIES as the locals would say). I mean, I understand the need to prioritize but seriously….2 cops pull these boobs over and they can't even taze them? What if they come back to my house for the phat farm?? I will be more than raging pissed…..I'll also be wetting myself.

So yeah, I'm giving up the busy street life here to move to a quiet cul-de-sac in West Chester (hopefully). Violent Crime Stats in 2002 for West Chester were 1.2 violent crimes for every 1000 people. Plus, subdivisions = nosy neighbors = at least someone will see the person who robs me the next time. There's ALWAYS a depressing upside.

Here's a forgotten picture that should've gone with my last post, slightly modified, here is the senior citizen who was arrested for a 1978 murder:

Live Vicariously, Become a Douche Bag

2006-03-09T23:34:00.000-05:00

It’s been a while friends and I feel I owe you a little posty post. OH SNAP BATESVILLE! It seems like your Advanced Auto Parts store got robbed. Now, these criminals aren’t very smart. Because they are black (this is NOT what makes them not smart..follow along kiddies) and they went to Batesville. When I think Batesville I do not think black mecca, I think John Deere and old whiteys. So, they were already making spectacles of themselves. I do not think crossing state lines and a police chase makes them any more intelligent. Then one of these bozo’s gets into an apartment and they have to call the SWAT team out. Really..was it necessary? Just wait it out, eventually his friend in a stolen Jeep will be by to go out for BW-3’s and you can get him them.

WHOA! I realize old people are feisty but this is extreme, a senior citizen has been charged with a 1978 murder. A 78 year old man was arrested for the murder of..well, some other person. He also shot someone else, but he’s not a good shot. He left the other person a paraplegic rather than the dead I’m sure he intended. Best part, when he was arrested he had a .38 special on him when he was arrested. Don’t eff with him.

A 12 year old girl was shot in the buttocks in Avondale. She is “in good spirits”. A 10 year old boy was also shot, in the leg. However, this shot does NOT get a Forrest Gump reference. Apparently it was a drive by to little kids. According to a witness there were at least 10 shots fired, only at the kids. Said witness would like to see a curfew in the city, but made a point to include the sarcastic toned “but ya’ll aint going to put no curfew out there, aint nothing going to stop this violence, but a curfew would calm it down”. I love it, I love when citizens express hatred for it’s leaders.

Apparently the life of maids gets pretty hectic. 2 maids in South Carolina got into a fight over toilet paper. (Names have been changed to protect the moronic) Betty claims Billie Sue stole the toilet paper off her cleaning cart, while Billie Sue makes the same accusation of Betty. After getting pissed Betty grabs a plunger and hits Billie Sue, for protection Billie Sue grabs a mop and hits Betty. Billie Sue was arrested for assault and battery with a mop, and her defense stands as “ I was defending myself from the plunger”. Betty has been taken to the hospital for minor injuries. And I did NOT make this up, it’s in the weird news at www.channelcincinnati.com .

This is just as hilarious. A woman in Florida is suing Walgreens for defamation of character, negligent supervision and intentional infliction of emotional distress. The Walgreens worker seems to have left a little message for the woman on her patient information “CrAzY!” I love it. Apparently previously when the women picked up her sleep aid prescription, another message was left “She’s really a psycho!! Do not say her name too loud, never mention her meds by names..” I love it. The woman has obviously made herself an annoying pest at the Walgreens so now she’s just suing them. Way to go lady. I’m taking Walgreens side, because you don’t get called a psycho unless you start acting annoying. FYI…for all of those who don’t know: if you act crazy, you’ll be labeled crazy.

Brain surgery in Oakland is at your own risk. The chief of neurosurgery at an Oakland hospital was wrestled to the floor after a nurse refused to let him operate. What makes him unqualified you ask? Hmmm, he was drunk. That’s right, he was preparing to do surgery on a patient with fractured vertebrae..right next to the spinal cord! If I became a paraplegic because my doctor was drunk, there’d be so much more than medical malpractice to worry about!

Douche Bag of the Week is coming from France. A father was arrested after drugging his children’s tennis rivals. I mean really, is tennis that important? LOVE! That’s about the only tennis term I know..and I could be wrong. The reward for his relentless desire for the most awesome tennis playing children ever? 8 years in prison after this drugging resulted in the death of an opponent. He spiked the water bottles of 27 opponents. Now, I’m not sure how old this man’s children were, but they were playing a 25 year old who fell asleep at the wheel on his way home after losing a match and died. This brings a whole new meaning to living vicariously through your children. Living vicariously by becoming a douche bag….

Hollywood only goes a little gay....

2006-03-06T00:31:00.000-05:00

So, I’m sure it’s not necessary that I sound off on the Oscars, but I’m going to anyways..because I’m funny. In a surprising turn of events Hollywood didn’t go totally brokeback gay, which is probably due to the fact that the main actors aren’t considered great yet. Because last time I checked “Bubble Boy”, “10 Things I Hate About You”, and “Dawson’s Creek” and that movie about Richard Nixon didn’t make you a good actor, it made you about $1 million richer than you deserve to be for being in bad movies (although I won’t lie..I do love 10 things I hate about you..it has the proper amount of angst). Brokeback won the director award..and some other, less prestigious awards, but all in all Hollywood avoided a gay blowout.

So Best Picture is Crash? CRASH? Is someone kidding me? Did these boobs even watch that movie? It also won best original screenplay? Hmm, a totally unoriginal movie (which stars Ludacris of all people) wins best original screenplay? Isn’t it ironic..don’t ya think? For those who haven’t seen it, spend your 2 hours doing something far less predictable. The movie is based entirely on stereotypes, and much like sociology it only serves to enforce stereotypes. White people get robbed, a black person steals their car..wait, is this the story of my life? Best part of the movie: RYAN PHILLIPPE, because he’s pretty.

Judi Dench did not win best actress, because she’s too old to be on talk shows not doubt. Felicity Huffman also did not win, because no one has seen her movie and we don’t like trannies. Keira Knightly never had a prayer because pride and prejudice makes us all fall asleep..just the title. Reese Witherspoon DID win because she’s married to Ryan Phillippe, and I’m sure the academy smiles at that…I know I do.

I do smile that Terrence Howard (who was also in crash), nominated for Hustle & Flow did not win. Why am I smiling? Because I don’t think movies about bad rapping should be Oscar worthy. Heath Ledger didn’t win because everyone just pictures him singing too good to be true in the bleachers of a soccer game. Seeing that Philip Seymour Hoffman won an oscar here for Capote I am wishing I had watched. A drunken college bet was that if Hoffman or any of his friends ever won an Oscar they would bark their acceptance speech. Watching the fat guy who sharted in Along Came Polly bark at the Oscar’s would make my heart smile.

And the best original song oscar goes to…”Hard Out Here For a Pimp”….I’ll let you all guess what movie THAT came from.

That's all I have to say about that. (that's from an actually good oscar film)

Crazies Go Crazy & Al Gore Interrupts My Life

2006-02-23T11:49:00.000-05:00

Thanks to the weather, I’ve had nosebleeds pretty consistently the last few days. It’s getting really old, that constant taste of blood in my mouth. So, let’s talk about stuff..

So there was a shooting in East Price Hill last night. A resident of some apartment complex flagged down a police officer at 1:30 in the morning, saying he heard a gunshot in the apartments. Hmm, if I hear a gunshot in my building I would probably call 911. I most likely wouldn’t run outside like “I’ll flag down a cop, and hope this shooter doesn’t gun me down on the street while I stand there”. Here’s my favorite part: witness say they didn’t hear anything out of the ordinary. Well, that’s because gun shots in East Price Hill aren’t out of the ordinary! I remember my sophomore year of college taking this class that had a community service component to it, and it was in East Price Hill. Totally ghetto. We had to come up with a plan to improve East Price Hill for this class as well, and I agreed with the guy who yelled “burn it down and start over.” Because there is nothing else to do besides wait for them all the kill each other off.

One mentally ill man kills another in Butler County. Figures, I prepare to move back to Butler County and the crazies just go crazy. Then, in what I thought to be a show of bad journalistic taste, NBC local news shows pretty much the entire arraignment on the news. Um, Napoleon Dynomite’s twin can barely speak, they had to put up subtitles. The judge had to ask him 3 times if he understood that he was being charged with murder. He says yes, and then later is like “garble garble garble” which was subtitled “I didn’t do anything.” It was kind of sad to watch this guy cry to his mom that he wasn’t going to leave her, and then cry all over the bailiffs. I didn’t find this arraignment to be news necessary. The prosecutor actually released a statement that he doesn’t believe the man will be found mentally competent to stand trial. That’s also unnecessary, because if you saw the news you’d be like “they’ll just send him to another mental institution.” I guess it gives the prosecutor something to do.

Oh Sweet Jesus! More fun in Butler County. 3 kids bring a gun to Hopewell junior high. Now, of the 3 junior highs in West Chester (Lakota Ridge, Hopewell & Liberty) Hopewell is the most ghetto. It’s on the older side of West Chester, and I used to call it Hopplewell because I had a friend in the band there, and on some band award they misspelled Hopewell and made it Hopplewell. Now that I think about it, Hopplewell is appropriate because as far as West Chester standards go, Hopewell is equal to Hopple street in it’s ghettoness. Anyways, back to the gun issue, these kids thought maybe they would commit some crimes after school, burglarize a house or something. Until one kid decides to tell a teacher because his conscious got the better of him. His conscious got him & his friends felony charges and some friendly time at the Butler County Juvenile Detention Center. I’m telling you, I’m moving back and Butler County is going nuts. It’s like the crap is just following me around. There’s going to be a body in the river in Hamilton before too long.

I’m glad that I am not traveling out of the airport today. Flights will be delayed for the president, so he can come rub elbows with less exclusive politicians here in Indian Hill. Now, when they mean delayed, they seriously mean delayed..and this is how I know. 5 years ago, just before the first election that Bush won, my brother got married..in Iowa. So, here’s a run down of the morning: we drove my brother & sister in law to the airport at 7 in the morning, and I vomit in the bathroom. THEN when I get to the airport to go home, my flight has been canceled. I am raging pissed. Then I have to fly to St. Louis, have a layover and fly to Cincinnati. It get’s so much better. I was flying TWA, and in Des Moines they gave me, my grandma & aunt an $18 food voucher and some TWA tickets. I yelled at the ticket guy “TWA..the one that crashes?? You are valuing my life at $6…that’s just great”. My aunt was very embarrassed, which made it even better. So anyways..St. Louis. It was TWA…AND a prop jet. What the crap is that all about?? So while we are sitting on this plane for well over an hour, they announce “We are having serious delays because Al Gore was here and we have to wait for his plane to get X amount of miles away from the airport before anyone else can take off” That’s dumb. I mean, he was only the Vice-President, he’s already in second place, this is all annoying.

I repeat, this is not a bag joke..it's my life

2006-02-22T00:18:00.000-05:00

So, I live in the ghetto. I mean it, I absolutely live in the ghetto. Previously my attitude had been, "I'm not a target for angry black angst because I am white and don't smoke crack, therefore since I don't owe them any drug money they will probably leave me alone." I just want everyone to know if you ever live in the ghetto that sort of thinking will also probably get you robbed. How do I know this? Oh yeah, because it got me robbed.

It happened 2 Fridays ago, and here's the scenario: I'm upstairs, asleep. 1 or 2, or possibly an entire FUBU posse kicks in my side door, rummages through my purse, steals my car, and I wake up with all my doors open and my dog is all whimpering and scared.

Let's have some details shall we? First, I could sleep in the middle of a battlefield. You could carry me through the streets of Iraq, and I could sleep through it. Some Bozo Posse kicking in the door that is downstairs & on the opposite side of my house from my bedroom does not warrant so much as a change in breathing from my sleep. So, when I wandered downstairs at 2 in the afternoon, I was none the wiser to my situation. Second, it takes me a good 5 minutes just to figure out what's going on when I wake up. Like, when I saw 2 of the 3 doors in my house wide open, my car gone from my garage and Aaron's video camera lying on the ground outside my first thought was NOT "I think I've been robbed." My first though was "what is Aaron doing with a video camera outside?" So, I called him. By the time he got on the phone, I started to wake up and realize what was going on, and thus the hyperventilating commenced. Oh, and to all the haters that are still laughing that I slept until 2, I had previously been awake, but decided my bed was so warm and cozy that I would stay there until I woke up a second time.

Then, Aaron told me to get out of the house, because I wasn't smart enough to do that on my own. So, then I call 911, and I'm standing outside in pajamas, Adidas sandals, and 80's hair. By 80's hair, I mean that when I sleep I toss around so much my hair is teased to perfection for 1987. I also live on a busy street, so here's the scenario: Skinny white girl with crazy 80's hair, standing in her jammies for all the west side to see. Oh yeah, while crying like a 10 year old on Rescue 911. Where was William Shatner in my time of need? Making another horrid CD no doubt.

So Aaron beats the police to my house, which is fantastic. I live in the largest district for the CPD, and it apparently takes 25 minutes to get to my house. In case of emergency, you just have to die because CPD won't be around for awhile. Sounds like there needs to be a re-zoning in order. So I'm an intermittent basket case until the police show up, when I was just raging pissed. Aaron and I are walking through the house and I noticed my wallet was moved from my purse to the kitchen table. Aaron's credit card was gone, along with my $1. ONE DOLLAR! Is someone kidding me? Am I on "World's Dumbest Criminals"? I mean, you just robbed me of my car and my security, but the dollar is what put me over the edge. Honestly, the dollar seems like such a moot point, did I really need that extra kick in the junk? I mean, you stole my car, and all the goodies inside. The dollar seems so unnecessary. So Lame.

So then, the police get a CSI lady to my house and she's casing my house finding blood & fingerprints, which probably belong to me anyways. Then she points out the "workboot print" on the doorframe. Aaron and I both thought "you mean Timberlands?" However, I did get my mouth swabbed all CSI stylee, which made me feel special.

So, then comes a week later. My phone rings, and it is a CPD investigator. She tells me that they found my car, and that it's in good shape. I think she meant good shape for a stolen car, because it was kind of gross inside, and there's a huge gash/scratch on the back bumper. As if they were rear-ended. So here's the deal: I was robbed by Bubba Gump & Co. No Lie.

These bozo's pulled out in front of an unmarked police car. When the officer's pulled them over, Jay Jay & Wee Wee (or Jamal & Tyrone..choose your own adventure here folks) bailed out and ran off. The police "chased" them, but didn't catch them. Here comes my favorite part. They were 1.1 miles from my house when they were pulled over. 1.1 MILES?! You had my car for a week and couldn't get more than a mile from my house?? Douche Bags of the MONTH! They didn't even change the license plate on my car, they just ripped off the Mt. St. Joe parking sticker, which was actually a nice gesture, and doesn't irritate me at all.

Here's the best part. They left a bunch of trash and their stuff in my car. They apparently stole my car and headed to BW-3's and had wings. That's the most Blackerific thing I've ever heard. Steal a car, get beer & chicken. They also left ½ a 2 liter of Pepsi in my car, a tube of lip gloss, 3 coats (Phat Farm, Carhart & some other hooded zip-up sweatshirt) 2 cup holders full of ashes, approximately 50 McDonalds napkins, and a grilled hot dog. Yes..a grilled hot dog. Things they stole from my car: Dell MP3 player (with car charger, and this little mp3 player holder that fits in the cup holder), a 1972 purple bowling ball with my Mom's name on it. Things they did not steal from my car: bowling bag & shoes, my coat and my Bible. Jesus doesn't smile on people who steal the Holy Bible, since it specifically says "Thou Shalt Not Steal". It also says "Vengence is mine saith the Lord", and if that vengence comes from a Smith & Wesson, I'm cool with that.

The investigator called me and said "they left a bunch of CD's in your car. I could figure that they weren't yours." Which means they were probably, Dr. Dre – Chronic 2000, Snoop Dogg, Ludacris – Beer & Chicken or the like. It's a good thing I wasn't getting in touch with my inner thug that week, or I might have lost some good CD's. She also said she left the coats in my car, because she wasn't sure who they belonged to, which I think means that there were 3 thug life jackets and a nice wool peacoat and that threw her off. So, I now have 3 coats in my garage that the police have said are now my property and I'm free to do as I please with them. This is what I think I should do with them: When I hear the thieves are arrested I should show up at their arraignment wearing the jacket..just to be completely irritating and tout my new goods. Playa play on!

Things I think that are funny:

- One of the douche bags left their house key in my car, I found it by the drivers seat. I hope this means the guy had to run home and kick in his own door.

- I have their coats. It got very cold over the weekend, and I hope they had to freeze all the way to Deveroe's to steal more coats.

- They stole a bowling ball that is over 30 years old. They left the shoes and bag. The shoes & bag are new and probably worth more than the ball. Plus the ball has a name on it, and it's bright purple. It's not exactly easy to disguise.

- I like to believe this was the series of events: Jay Jay & Wee Wee are driving along, get pulled over by police. Jay Jay is driving, Wee Wee is eating a hot dog. Jay Jay yells, "Wee Wee! Put down that dog playa! We gots to run foo!" Then while Wee Wee is messing with the seat belt, the hot dog falls out of the bun, and he is left to run through the streets with an empty hot dog bun and a bowling ball.

- The reason the police didn't catch them: The neighborhood where they jumped from the car is full of young African American men without jobs. They all wear the same thing: dark blue jeans, white t-shirts and boots. So, I'm sure it was like "Where's Waldo" and the police were like "whatever, we got the car back."

So, the police called to update me today on the lack of updates. Basically they are just waiting for the lab to finish checking the database for fingerprint matches. Also, the police checked the surveillance tapes from the places of receipts Bubba & gang left in my car, but the tapes were awful. Not surprising, everyone knows that when you see those tapes on the news and they're like "do you know this man robbing the convenient store?" and it looks like a video of 4 rectangles moving around. I'm sure someone out there is like "Tyrone..is that you?!" But I don't know anyone who looks like rectangles…so it's fruitless to me.

So that's my update..i hope you enjoyed.

H-A-R-D-G-U-Y

2006-02-15T02:23:00.000-05:00

So, Aaron and I were watching the Olympics. They intermittently will do these spotlights on the athletes, which is just an annoying way to ensure they fill their 3 hours of time. So this kid is like 18, and he’s all blah blah, I say things that the more republican people don’t like, and people who don’t like it can eat me. He is 100% convinced he is one tough cookie. Well, he’s not, he’s a friggin’ FIGURE SKATER. You know, I would rather my kid be the loser of the special Olympics than win Gold as a male figure skater. Can you even be a hard guy when you’re wearing glitter and sequins? Is it allowed?

Let me break down some male figure skating for you: men + glitter + tights. Oh yeah, and make-up. Then, while they are wearing glitter, tights and make up they skip and twirl around on ice. After they are done skipped and twirling and dancing all around, crazy people throw flowers and bears at them. Where is the Mr. T in this activity? Since when do these things entitle one to act like a hard guy?

Now, I know you’re all wondering why I didn’t change the channel when figure skating was on, since I obviously think it’s a sissy sport and should be no boys allowed. Allow me to explain. I love to watch figure skating because there’s always a chance that someone is going to get seriously hurt. Especially when you are watching the pairs figure skating. This all dates back to Lillehammer Winter Olympics, where my mom and I watched this guy drop the girl on her face, she was busted up..there was blood and everything. While they cried over their sunken Olympic dreams, mom and I laughed until we cried at their misfortune. Even if no one gets hurt, if they fall they still have to skate around with a clump of ice on their glittery behinds..and that makes me smile too. Basically, I watch figure skating for the falls. The other night, I got to watch the American girl slide across the ice on her chin, a Chinese girl nearly tear her ACL, fall on her head, and then slide into the wall (that team won a silver medal…which should not be allowed), then they showed video of the Russian team from 2 years ago, where the guy dropped the girl and she landed on her head and got knocked out. Her limp body just keeps sliding across the ice, mostly on her forehead. So THAT is why I watch figure skating.

And the winner is....

2006-02-11T15:53:00.000-05:00

Here’s a real blog…enjoy it. Everyone calm down, Kanye West is NOT freaking out about not winning all 8 grammys he was nominated for, because he has justified his losing. He justified losing Album of the Year citing “vote splitting”. He seems to think that he had to split votes with Mariah Carey among the “urban music fans” in the recording academy. Well Kanye, allow me to clue you in: you didn’t win because the academy just doesn’t like you. They aren’t fans of Gold digger or that song from Jarhead, and quite frankly they just want you to go to New Orleans and wait for the next Hurricane. So get down..with yo’ bad self Kanye…underwater. However, I do admire his honesty with the statement “I’m more famous now, and that means more money”. I appreciate that he admits he doesn’t make music for his fans, but merely for the money.

A Kanye quote about his Grammy Performance: “I just want to see the black colleges right now. I just want to go onto MySpace right now and see what people are saying." Um, the only people who watched you were like 14…so you go ahead and myspace there R. Kelly.

Then, again with this Kanye, he says “I should be in the Bible”. Jigga what? He believes he would be a “griot” in a modern Bible. Now, I went to Landmark and this stymied my cultural development, but thanks to femalefirst.co.uk, I know that a griot is an African storyteller. Well, Kanye..you DO tell some good stories, like “George Bush doesn’t care about black people” and “I ain’t sayin’ she a gold digga, but she ain’t messin’ wit no broke nigga (or broke de broke…which is like “humpty hump” which makes you a total rip off)” however, YOU ARE NOT AFRICAN. Therefore, you do NOT qualify to be a griot, you only qualify to be a douche bag.

Excessive Kanye stupid quotes: "I bring up historical subjects in a way that makes kids want to learn about them. I'm an inspirational speaker. “ The only thing kids learn from you is how to be stupid.

"I changed the sound of music more than one time... For all those reasons, I'd be a part of the Bible. I'm definitely in the history books already." You have NOT changed the sound of music, the hills are not alive with Von Trapp children singing Jesus Walks With Me. U2 HAS changed the sound of music, which is why you lost album of the year to them, so stick that in your crack pipe and smoke it, fag.

Hmm, someone murdered one of the creators of “Curious George”?? This Curious George genius lived in a trailer? What is THAT all about? Shouldn’t he be getting royalty checks still? I don’t get it. Who kills an old man and buries him in garbage bags on the sidewalk. This is all very strange, and if you kill someone and bury them…I think you’re supposed to actually put them underground, not under garbage. Just a thought.

I’m just gonna say it. Gwyneth Paltrow should be punched in the face, repeatedly. She’s only in the news for saying really idiotic things. She is a female Kanye West, only a total airhead. Now she’s like “I don’t want my daughter to say basil and pasta like Brits, because I hate that.” Here’s a thought Gwennie, if you don’t want your child to speak like a Brit, don’t raise her as one. Oh yeah, but Brits are smarter than Americans. Since when does more pretentious = smarter? Let’s recap some recent Gwen headlines shall we?

- Gwyneth Paltrow convinced her life would make a sitcom

- Gwyneth Paltrow to contact spirit dad

- Gwyneth Paltrow calls in exorcist.

- Gwyneth Paltrow too ugly

- Gwyneth Paltrow “I need money”

- Gwyneth Paltrow needs more time (for herself)

I have a headline: Gwyneth Paltrow needs a punch in the face, and a new personality.

Random Stuff

2006-02-06T00:55:00.000-05:00

Ok, I'll start with the scariest news first. In the world of fashion, leggings are making a comeback. I'll refrain from the L.L. Cool J reference here and insert a horrified scream instead. Thanks to twigs like Lindsay, Mary-Kate and that Nicole Richie character leggings are apparently set to be all the rage. What I can't figure out is why these idiots are wearing work out clothes? I mean, aren't spandex for working out? These are people who haven't seen a treadmill in their lives, so back off the lyrca ladies. As for the depressing upside, fat people everywhere are rejoicing that they will finally be in style again. They've been waiting for this moment since 1992, when I will admit to owning a pair of leggings, black with lace trim at the ankles. I wore tehm under my skirts to school because it was cold outside and it looked a lot cuter than sweatpants under my skirt. Shut it haters, I was 10!

Ever wonder what happened to that middle kid from Full House? If you said no, please skip this paragraph. If you chose yes, read on (that was so choose your own adventure of me). Well, she's a meth head, it's true. http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/Entertainment/story?id=1564779
Apparently she got bored and decided trying meth was a good idea, since she was unemployed and married to a cop. Here's a better idea, Jodie Sweetin, hit up Monster.com and start looking for a job. How insanely bored do you have to get before you're like "hmm, meth sounds like a good idea, I mean it works for Hamilton, Ohio." Also, most cops don't make piss poor salaries, so why didn't she just fill her time spending his money more wisely than on meth? And what kind of cop doesn't noticed his wife is a meth addict? Pretty much it seems as though Hollywood is the kiss of death to people's lives, although it provides me with blog fodder, so again I say carry on Hollywood.

Detroits finest paid a visit to the Tri-State last week. A Detroit mother was arrested after teaching her 15 year old how to shoplift DVD's. This was after her 13 year old son refused to help steal. I guess if at first you don't succeed, try with the older but dumber child.

Douche Bag of the Week Award! 2 Kentucky men are arrested after they allegedly stole a light pile off the side of 275. Now, at first when I read this headline I'm thinking "WHAT?! Can you even steal a highway light pole?", but here's the real deal. The pole had been knocked over last week in a crash. Then a Boone Country deputy found the pole cut up in sections in the pack of their pick-up truck. For anyone wondering, these poles are worth $3K. Not only were they arrested for theft, but the one guy was also charged with improper registration, since he has not re-registered his pick-up truck since 2001. Apparently the theft on these poles is on the rise, along with stealing aluminum siding and copper wire because they can be sold to salvage yards. Salvage prices are up, therefore so is theft and stupidity (there's an equation in there somewhere). These 2 jack-offs cut up the pole in front of a KDOT worker. Hence, douche bags of the week.

There is a close second for the douche bag award though, also in Kentucky. This idiot killed a woman on I-75 in Kentucky. She was driving south, on S-75....he was driving north on S-75. Of course she dies, and he goes to the hospital with non-life threatening injuries. Apparently alcohol was a factor, which begs the question how drunk do you have to be to go the wrong way on the highway? How long was he going the wrong way? How do you even manage this stuff? He was charged with a DUI and wanton murder, which I like because it sounds like a bad Chinese dish.

Rolling Stone interviewers are stupid. In a recent interview with Kansas Senator Sam Brownback (R), they interpreted his Bible quotation as a joke about gays. The article is entitled "God's Senator" and he had criticized countries for allowing same sex marriages. Then he quotes the Bible saying "You'll know them by their fruits." This whole quotation was #1 taken WAY out of context, #2 I'm sure the editing was done in such a way to make him look like a bigot. Look, Christian or not, republican or democrat, doesn't matter. No politician is going to make such remarks about a group of people. They have re-elections and popularity polls to worry about in all situations. The last thing you will hear a politician do is make a discriminatory statement. Unless their name is Ray Nagin and they are the mayor of New Orleans and they are in desperate need for chocolate.

Speaking of politicians, this guy sounds like he will fit right in to the political realm. Jonathon Sharkey (apparently former pro-wrestler Rocky Flash, vampyre party...whatev) was running for Minnesota governot. He's a self-proclaimed Satanist and promises to implae terrorists and criminals on the steps of the state capitol. Then the police busted him on 2 Indiana warrants, for escape and stalking. This is certainly the guy I would want as my governor, the guy who will stalk me and then kill me on the steps of the capitol because he is a little pissed off and crazy. He would probably also broadcast it over the internet for millions. Nutso.

Celebrities, They Make It So Easy....

2006-02-03T01:54:00.000-05:00

Celebrities say some really dumb things and making fun of celebrities is much more entertaining than making fun of normal people. So here goes:

"I don't want my nipples looking for coins on the street" - Sharon Osbourne

I can only assume shes excusing her boob job, boob lift..whatever. Statements like this explain why she is married to a man who speaks like he only has 1/3 of his tongue left. Friggin Mumble Fish.

"I had a pimple. I think it was 1993" - Heidi Klum

3 words Heidi Klum: I Hate You. I haven't even had a baby yet, but I guarantee when I do, I look like an orca for at least 6 months afterward (if not the rest of my stretched out life). Heidi is like "I mated with a not so attractive man, gave birth to a cute baby that at least 65% of the world doesnt desire to eat AND I was back on the runway in 2 months." Thanks for having that one pimple in your life Heidi, it makes me feel like you might be a real person afterall..

"Flushing carpet down the toilet isn't a good idea" - Faria Alam

Now, I dont have the slightest idea who Faria Alam is, nor do I care to imdb her. However, I really want to know who WOULD think flushing carpet down the toilet is a good idea. I mean, Ive heard of flushing drugs down the toilet, but carpet? Thats just plain stupid.

"Ugh, those were awful. If I had the money, I would give a refund to everyone who bought my first two albums." -Mandy Moore

At least the girls honest. However, I think its taken her way to long to admit that her albums suck, and I think she should be more honest and offer refunds and a public apology for all her music in general.

"I'm not really one of Jack (Osbourne's) friends. He finds me irritating and I find him smelly." - Jade Goody

Nuff said. Especially since I dont know who Jade Goody is, but Jack looks smelly.

"I want to make my book as real as possible, but I can't hardly remember a thing." - Jack Osbourne

Its ok Jack, just lie. It worked for James Frey, and youre already a B list celebrity so the backlash for lying wont be so severe. Plus, youre Ozzys pride and joy, people arent expecting much from you. Weve seen the Osbournes afterallI also think this statement proves my point about why you shouldnt expect the truth from a crackhead.

"I pick my nose and I'm not ashamed to admit it!" - Justin Timberlake

Yeah Well, you also used to hump Britney. We aren't expecting class from you Justin Timberlake. I'm sure K-Fed is much more refined than that. Because cornrows = class. And banging Britney = class. She knows how to pick 'em. I PUNNED!

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." - Brooke Shields

Hmm, I didnt think Brooke Shields was stupid for medicating herself for PPD. However, this statement makes her a flaming moron. This is as bad as the Oprah quote someone spat at me when we fail, its because were not doing something right. Yeah, its call SUCCEEDING, when we fail we are not succeeding. And I still dont like Oprah.

"I enjoy the compnay of cattle. I really enjoy knowing them, running my hand over them." - Russell Crowe

Where was good ole Russ when the cows were loose on 275? He wouldve been very calm, petting/molesting the cattle. The calming effects of the cattle may have prevented him from punching anyone UFC style. Although, when the cattle started dying, I think it may have been Russel kryptonite, and UFC may have commenced. Better to keep him away from my general vicinity, I dont need a phone thrown at me.

"What does Jodie [Marsh] actually do? I don't have a clue what she does." - Kerry Katona

Better question: What does Kerry Katona do? Because the rest of the world doesnt have a clue and I doubt we really care. Maybe she should worry about herself instead of this Jodie Marsh character. Oh, the rough lives of second (or third) rate celebrities.

"I could happily get a tattoo done every single day" - Jodie Marsh

I hope Kerry Katona reads this, it will clear some things up for her.

"Everyone should get famous so they can see that it's not the answer." - Jim Carrey

No Jim, its not the answer. The answer is for people like you who need constant attention to get famous so we can all make fun of you. Carry on Hollywood, Carry on.

"Someone asked me the other day, 'what do you thnk of Britney having a baby?' And I said: 'Britney had a baby?' I don't crowd my brain with all that nonsense." - Teri Hatcher

Just a thought but I wouldnt guess that Teri Hatcher crowds her brain with very much at all. Other than bitterness and desperation. Theres a reason shes on a show called Desperate Houswives..

"If we're mucking out the horses in our stables, Peter can suddenly pull me down on the straw in his arms and peel off my jodphurs before I can catch my breath." - Jordan

I dont have the SLIGHTEST clue who Jordan is, why shes famous, or where she came from, all I know is that everytime I see a picture of her shes grabbing her boobs, shes half naked, and apparently all she talks about is sex. So, shes just one more whore to get attention in the world. I hope Paris isnt too jealous.

"You wonder whether Paris Hilton would be as attractive as she's perceived to be if she'd grown up in Stoke-On-Trent" - BB's Preston

No, because I don't think a bunch of Brits want to stare at an anorexic who makes out with her dog. I like the fact that this random guy acknowledges that Paris is only perceived as attractive, not that she IS attractive. Because something about a girl who digs through her crotch on the beach doesnt scream attractive to me.apparently it only screams attractive to alcoholic backstreet boys, porn directors, and random ugly greek boys.

"I want to marry an English man. Ideally, I like the sound of Princess Paris." - Paris Hilton

Now, theres a lot of scandals in the British Royal Family. Prince Charles cheated on Diana, Prince Harry smokes weed, Prince William may or may not be a playboy..whatever. If theres ANYTHING the Royal Family doesnt need, its more bad press. And Im sure the last thing the Prince's want is and STD. That being said, there will not be a Prince William (or Harry)/Paris Hilton Wedding. Paris can give up the dream, no one of any moral standard or who has common sense will be crawling down the aisle with America's dream whore.

"I buy recycled toilet paper - it's all, like, brown." - Drew Barrymore

I wouldnt expect anything more from Drew Barrymore. I mean, she was a crack head at like 10 years old, she had sex in the bathroom with her boyfriend about 2 weeks ago not to mention humped Tom Green. Would I expect her to use pre-owned toilet paper? Absolutely.

Old News

2006-02-02T02:57:00.000-05:00

Sadly, I started this blog last week, but due to my A.D.D. I lost interest before I finished it, so here it is, some outdated news.

How many Oxford Townies does it take to call in the FBI? 3, one to drive the rusted out Chrysler van, one to attract the oblivious, collar popping Miami student (it must've been that townie feminine charm), and one to beat the living shiznit out of him to steal his money. Go to jail townies, go directly to jail. Do not pass Kroger, do not collect a pack of Salem Lights and a Nati Light. If it weren't for Oxford, I might lose all hope for my own life.

Sam Malone, thank you for being on city council and spanking your child. It means your lawyer gets to leave us with knowledge nuggets like this, "The inner city isn't the same as Mayberry." No Kidding. I often think OTR is similar to Mayberry. Except that Mayberry is full of old white people, and Opie. OTR is full of crackheads, non-white people & gangsters (12 year old gangsters). Yo Opie, I need some crack, fo shizzle.

Why are high priced home being built in Bond Hill? No one in their right mind wants a $300,000 home in Bond Hill. I don't care WHAT the house looks like, it is not worth my life. I went to high school with a kid from Bond Hill. He got jumped once for his set of gold teeth. He also allegedly used to bring guns to school, not INTO school just in his car. In case someone was waiting for him in the parking lot. Anyways, back to this house idea, let's think about this. A bunch of poor, angry black people were kicked out of their apartments under the impression that the area would be re-developed and they would be invited back to live in newer apartments with comparable rent. Now they are raging pissed that rich white people are taking their land. Black people aren't like the Indians, they are going to sit in a tent and smoke a peace pipe on the 40 acres we alot them (and the mule..let's not forget the mule). Now these crackers are keeping them down (& out of their own hood), I expect these fabulous new houses to start being robbed and vandalized (think spray painting HONKY on the garage) within 24 hours of the first family moving in, so congratulations Cincinnati, for doing something else stupid. Honestly, I think city council could learn a lot from Nero. Burn the city, play the fiddle, start
over.

Congratulations Harrison! You made the news by going ghetto. Thanks for setting some toilet paper on fire and making my day.

And finally, a judgment that seems appropriate. A 32 year old man was sentenced to life in prison after being found guilty of raping is own 5 children (LITTLE children), and forcing them to watch him have sex with his insanely ugly wife (think baby hippo.....beat with an ugly stick). He videotaped this stuff and threatened to post it on the internet. Total pervert. I hope there's a crazy cannibal in prison waiting to rape this guy in the shower and then eat him....

Would I Lie? HECK YES

2006-02-01T22:45:00.000-05:00

Ok, so I'm sick and tired of all this James Frey Million Little Pieces/Oprah feels duped drama. I feel the time has come for me to chime in, and then put it to rest.

First, on Oprah. Look lady, you are not Jesus! Does she know this? Becayse I don't thnk she does. If so much as a commercial for my least favorite Harpo airs, my dad will yell "I hate that feminist..I don't need men, yes you do Oprah!" I'm sorry she feels "duped", as if this is the first time someone has lied to Oprah in her life. She acts as if she thinks the entire world is honest and she is just now learning that people lie. Get over yourself Oprah. You are not the book goddess. It's not like the books on her list are so profound that the average boob couldn't read them. Heck, most high school kids have already read them. Not that they aren't good books, but it's not like Oprah discovered "Night", "East of Eden", or "The Poisonwood Bible." I mean, she pays people to read for her, THEN she puts them on her book list...who knows if she ever reads them herself. Just like I don't believe Kathy Lee ever wore her own clothes. Celebrities slap their name on everything that looks like it might make them money.

Now, onto James Frey. He lied..in a BOOK...should've called it fiction, instead slapped the word memoir on it and now the public is ready for a stoning. But here's the truth: Everyone who has ever written a memoir/autobiography/biography has exaggerated the truth to some extent. If you want to test this statement, go ahead and read two biographies of the same person, and you will see that I am right. You can't rely on human nature to tell the exact truth. And I think we can all agree, expecting the full & exact truth from a recovering frat-baby crack head is a lofty expectation to begin with, so cut the guy some slack. Even frat boys need to make a living eventually. Just because he embellished the truth...a lot, does that make the book any less good (or from what I understand, any more pathetic)? Does it change "the message" of the book? No.

If it were me...would I lie to get my book published? HECK YES. Why you ask? Because I need to eat. We've already established that I look like an anorexic train wreck. So yes, if it would make me money I would lie. Then take my liar's money and buy some tacos and a cherry coke. And UDF ice cream...lots of it.

p.s. Hasn't this happened before? I mean, wasn't teh book "Go Ask Alice" supposedly a true diary, and then it really wasn't? I guess that was the 70's and no one cared, hippies were cool that one time. Then they grew up, forgot about Alice and caned James Frey.

I'm Special, Helmet Special

2006-02-01T22:13:00.000-05:00

Shoes? Ok, so my mom didn't throw shoes, but only because they weren't in arms reach. She's short though, so there's not much that IS in arms reach, but if it was, she'd throw it FO SHO!

So my room was always messy when I was little. Now my house is messy because I have more surface area with which to spread my messy wealth. So anyways, my mom got raging mad once about the mess...I was maybe 5 ok? And she had been threatening to "throw that junk" away for at least 2 years if I didn't keep my room clean. Well, get her pissed enough and she comes through with a hefty bag and a scowl! She actually grabbed my mattress & box springs and went to town throwing away the toys underneath my bed. I do mean throwing.

I was highly confused. I mean, if mom was going to take care of the mess couldn't I just go outside and play? No, I had to sit on the floor and watch my toys get thrown away. So, my brother comes in to sit and laugh at me. While he's sitting there laughing, mom chucked one of those toys right into his forehead. It actually cut him, there was a bump and blood and everything! The best part, mom didn't even stop throwing toys, she just told him he shouldn't sit in the way and to get a band-aid!

In the end Scott didn't have a concussion (as he swore he did, you know Scott Meyer 9 year old M.D.) and mom's threat was totally empty. That garbage bag ended up in a closet in our house and I would intermittently go back and take toys out. About 5 years later mom went to get the bag out of the closet and discovered it only contained about 4 puzzle pieces and a Mr. Potato Head ear ....I probably got in trouble for that too.

Not Normally a Fan

2006-01-30T14:37:00.000-05:00

Ok, so I'm not a huge fan of Dr. Phil. He occasionally fills my sleepy afternoon time with his mindless dribble, but only because the remote is too far away and Daisy hasn't quite learned the fetch command. However, today's episode made me smile deep inside. Dr. Phil echoed my own thoughts, and while this is scary that the television psychoanalyst echoes my thoughts, they were good thoughts and thus need to be shared.

Story- 17 year old girl is in love with a 30 year old former convict, or maybe current convict. I wasn’t really paying THAT close attention. I only started following the story when Dr. Phil started yelling my own thoughts. So, her mom is all “I can’t stop them or I’ll lose my daughter.” Which is such a crazy bad mom cop-out thing to say, but whatever. The girl is all like "i love him, he's my soul mate. yeah, he slept with my best friend but he wasn't in love with me at that point." So Dr. Phil puts a power point slide up on his screen and it’s like

“Soul Mate Resume”

No Job
No Car
Child with Previous Soul Mate
Doesn’t Pay Child Support
Previously in Prison
Domestic Violence Charges
Drug Charges
Cheats on You With Your Friends

At this moment I realized that Dr. Phil can’t possibly be all mindless dribble, however he merely screams common sensities to a land of non-sensicals. Yeah, I said it. Dr. Phil should change his name to "common sense" or "let me tell you what a normal person would do"

Scott-isms

2006-01-20T01:24:00.001-05:00

When all else in my life fails, I can count on my brother to put everything into perspective for me. As a child he got me many spanking by telling me "go ahead Nik, mom and dad won't care, just do it" or his old stand by "try it, you'll like it" Come to think of it, he's probably the reason I ate dirt.

So, in a recent (like 2 hours ago) phone call, he put so many things into perspective for me, and I appreciate them so much that I think they need to be shared, thus i present to you "scott-isms"

Scott on living in Hamilton: "You'd have to be on crack to live in Hamilton! Otherwise, it'd be just too depressing to live there. The only thing they have to look forward to is a big pipe of crack when they get home!

Scott on Baby Boomers: "I’ve been fighting boomers all my life. Some of my ideas are revolutionary, and the man doesn’t understand the revolution."

Scott on Sudafed not being otc and pharmaceutical waivers: "Why doesn’t Sudafed just stop making products?! I refuse to sign the waiver saying 'I won’t make meth', like meth dealers are honest people? They have like 93 friends, with orange teeth, and they are like “I have a cold, can I have a Sudafed” and they buy their uncooked meth and they go home and cook it up and it’s like does this solve anything? No, it just inconveniences me. It only prevents them from actually stealing it off the shelves first, woo hoo. As far as I’m concerned the waiver should say 'I will not cook meth, I will not rip the tag off my mattress'."

Scott on professors (in general, but mine specifically): "I’m sure your professors do suck! It’s like the old adage, those who can’t do teach. If they were any good at what they do, they would be DOING it."
*NOTE: I totally agree with this statement, especially due to the large number of adjunct faculty that has to come in and teach the labs because there are certain faculty members who have limited experience.

Scott on PhD. etc etc etc: "I hate when people put letters behind their name. I find this very pretentious. It’s like “look, I have the alphabet behind my name!” and no one cares, you still suck."

Scott on my doctorate pursuits: "No, even if you get your doctorate, I still won’t call you Dr. Butthead…Ok, wait, I might call you Dr. Butthead"

Scott on the tangled web I weave: "Unraveling your lies to mom and dad is like writing a novel based on true events. You give some details, so the reader doesn’t figure out the whole story at the beginning, but keep it vague. So when they ask you the deeper questions, you have answers to give without them being lies. Once you lie to mom and dad you have to keep up with the lie FOREVER."
*Note: Weaving a tangled web is a high maintenance task that I do not recommend, or advocate. Mainly, because it is high maintenance and I hate high maintenance tasks.

Scott's life motto: "I don’t just like to irritate mom and dad, I like to irritate everyone."

the bookbag...

2006-01-19T00:11:00.000-05:00

Right before I started Kindergarten mom took Scott & I to Sears, there was a sale on bookbags apparently, because Scott and I both got 2. Mom has always lived by the belief that you buy things when they are cheap so you don't have to spend the extra money later on when you need them. I can even tell you that the brand was "The Bag" (so original) and I picked a pink one & a blue one. Scott had a red one, and a gray one. So, apparently there was an eater of book bags in upper elementary school, because Scott managed to go through BOTH his and my blue one by the time he got to high school. Yeah, about 6th grade I was real sick of "The (pink) Bag". I had no desire to be a young miami girl, and pink was so not the new blue..which was the book bag I should've had, if you remember.

So, in 7th grade I made the mistake of complaining that I wanted a new book bag. Pay attention, this is where it gets embarrassingly funny. Dad is all "I got a free book bag last week at a computer show" This bag was some sort of wanna be waterproof material, gray with a teal bottom..and a friggin computer disk on it. We're talking circa 1994, 5 x 3/4 disk (the big ones that you played Oregon Trail off of in elementary school..yeah kids, that one). Honest to goodness, I think dad should've just taped "Kick Me, I suck" to my back and sent me to school that way. This thing was a beacon of nerd glory, and I carried it for 2 years! Even when all this weird black stuff that looked like cheap electrical tape kept coming out, that little useless handle on the top broke, and then finally one of the strap snapped in 2 on my way to music one day and thus ended the free bookbag horror. I thought that maybe I could get a bookbag that only warranted an "i suck" sign on my back..but no such luck. I go home and dad's like "I've got another one in a closet somewhere..I'll find it after supper"....Kick me hard..in the head..thanks dad, for the giant kick me sign and for getting me shoved in a locker. I think this is the reason I had to get scarey and start wearing black...and those weird boots...I was a little emo, I admit..and it's all because of that blasted bag!

Kathy Hilton...put your bra on!!

2006-01-18T23:30:00.000-05:00

So, I play rec. volleyball and each week the winning team gets some sort of coupon for a free pitcher of beer at this bar, Mulligans. I don’t go for 2 reasons: a) being a non-drinker, there has to be a promise for good book fodder to get me to hang out at a bar (Hofbrauhaus doesn’t count because it always provides fodder) and b) judging by it’s location (close proximity to Hyde Park), I can only assume it’s full of XU fratty’s who will make me bleed from the ears and reach for the nearest utensil with which to stab the ole’ juglar. So anyways…(long drawn out unfunny jokes I know Aaron, stop complaining) over the weekend someone was shot at Mulligan’s THEN in a stroke of pure genius, Aaron decides to go eat lunch there. This is like the time the S.W.A.T. team was across the street and we decided to sit on the lawn and watch. I think from now on when the volleyball lady waves that Mulligan’s coupon around asking “do you guys want your free beer” she should just says “you guys want to endanger your lives?” Oh yeah, P.S. everyone I’m not a HUGE fan of the eastside either….

THEN another shooting, not in one of the previously mentioned non-news areas, Mt. Healthy. Although it wasn’t previously mentioned, a shooting in Mt. Healthy, Compton Groves of all places is really not suprising. I mean, I think they are desperately trying to parallel the L.A. Compton, as far as Midwest standards go for gangs and murders.

A Hamilton man involved in a drug ring?? Oh, say it aint so! I mean, to be quite honest, the only shocker here is that it was not a meth ring, but rather a coke ring. Then to top the brilliance of the outer tri-state area, 2 Middletown teens steal a cab at knife point? Who steals a taxi? It’s not like they inconspicuous, they are big and bright yellow. Plus, if you are 18 driving a cab, everyone knows you stole it. Then they flipped said cab over. I applaud the brilliance. I think a douche bag of the week award is in order, and it’s only Wednesday.

So, apparently trash is interstate commerce, thus protected by the constitution. Hmm, ok. Apparently other states are now dumping trash in Ohio. That’s cute guys, REAL CUTE. I think this a political statement from democrats, still bitter of the election results. I bet it’s friggin’ Indiana and Kentucky, you can’t trust those people. You know, democratic rednecks.

I want to know how this is headline qualifies as weird news: “100 Year Old Marries Younger Woman.” What was he supposed to do, wait around for a 101 year old woman?! Seriously! It’s not like he’s going to find anyone who’s NOT younger. Although, I’d be weary of marrying a 100 year old man, since he’s twice a widower..he might be literally have the kiss of death, but I wish them the best. Old people are so cute and feisty.

Oh yeah..and kudos go out to Kelly Clarkson, for biting the hand that fed her & Ray Nagin for being stupid….again.

Contrary to popular belief....

2006-01-14T01:21:00.000-05:00

It seems like when I think things are going to be routine and boring, something stupid happens and irritates me. Once, during a routine advising session (required for registration at MSJ..stupid, I know) my advisor breaks into this little ditty: "So, are you taking care of yourself?" and I'm confused. I simply said "Uh, yeah" and she goes "No, I mean it. Are you really taking care of yourself" and I was like "As far as I know..." and she proceeds with this nugget of stupidity "What I mean is, are you eating?" I couldn't even justify that with a response. I honestly just sat there looking at her, dumbfounded. I mean, it was one thing for my pediatrician to give me the old eating disorder talk when I was 15, but for my advisor of the month to do it..well, that's just uncalled for. She continues this interrogation with "well, the faculty and I have been discussing how pale and thin you look lately, I mean you're always pale and thin but it seems excessive lately." So sorry Mary, I'll try to start getting my tan on in October...to look more human and less vampire. Who is this lady? And why on EARTH is she asking me if I eat. furthermore, doesn't the faculty have anything better to talk about than my eating habits? How about this, why don't you talk about not playing favorites in the classroom, or how to stop flirting with male students? If I was less scared of her eating me in this situation I would've retorted with "Of course I eat, I just pull the trigger" but in order to escape an after-school special waiting to happen I just said "yes, I'm still eating" and then stared at her with a face that clearly said "you are too dumb for life, can I go now?"

I love that I get called out for "not eating" however, the girls who came to gross anatomy half-baked and decided that using a scalpel was a good idea...they get no intervention. The girl who was an OBVIOUS alcoholic and who fell off a ladder at a strip club after a long night of drinking, thus fracturing her scapula..no intervention. The girl who is pale in the fall (how dare she?) & hasn't weighed more than a 110 pounds on her heaviest day...oh yes..time for an intervention. Some say "at least they care"...um no, they don't care about me. They care about looking like they've "saved" someone. Because then they would look better, and I would look like a fool. In retrospect..I wish I had given Mary the proverbial middle finger at that very moment. I hate when I am dignified in situations that don't deserve the preservation of dignity. Oh, and this attempted intervention caused my mom to become RAGING pissed. She almost called to give a proverbial middle finger of her own. Her words "I think I'll be the one to decide when my daughter is anorexic, not you PT. Who do these people think they are?"

So contrary to some beliefs: I am not anorexic, I do not pull the trigger, and I do eat more than once a week (although, it's great to joke about)

I don't get it, I'm just not cool

2006-01-13T06:22:00.000-05:00

I do not understand this trend of pre-distressed jeans. Being a person who: a) doesn't grow (upwards or outwards), b) has no money & c) is not cool, I am NOT going to pay for jeans that someone (probably an 8 year old working for quarters) has torn up. Excuse me Juan Diaz, go back to the playground..Distressing my jeans is my job. My jeans will be distressed over time, at my own leisure. And by over time, I mean I have a pair of perfectly distressed jeans that I've been working diligently on since 1996. No, I'm not joking, I own a pair of jeans that I've had since the beginning of 9th grade. Sadly, they are bordering on indecent as one of the back pockets is threatening to show my underwear any second now, and this makes my heart sad because they are the perfect jeans and I can't just get rid of them.

Back to my original rant: why would I buy jeans that already have holes in them? I mean, even my distressed jeans are only shredded at the bottom! I don't wear jeans with holes all over the legs. I think these jeans are reserved for girls who are willing to shave their legs in the winter...sorry guys, there's a reason we wear pants. Why would I want holy pants in the cold weather? What irritates me further is that the pre-distressed jeans are the ones that fit the best, and I can't even smile for jeans that fit me when they have holes all over the place. I'm not 80's enough for holy jeans.

Hey Covington, Put Your Shirt On!

2006-01-11T02:10:00.000-05:00

A former jailor gets only 7 years in prison for raping children??? He cops a plea and gets only 7 years. You see, this is what’s wrong with the justice system, if he had accidentally killed someone in a car wreck (not even a drunken wreck) he’d get a longer prison sentence.

Then, talk about adding insult to injury. An Oxford woman was robbed at gunpoint and then raped. THEN she calls the good ole’ OPD, who show up with a police dog who then in turn bites the victim. That tops the list of worst mornings ever.

Clean out your closets kids! This is a warning. A 62 year old woman in Washington has died after a pile of clutter fell on her head and she suffocated. Apparently there were stacks of boxes and clothes over 6 feet tall all through her house, and her husband initially called police because he didn’t know where his wife was, lo and behold she was in the house the whole time..buried alive. Pack rattery will get you no where.

Oh sweet mouse revenge. It was reported that a man caught a mouse outside his home, and then threw the mouse into a pile of burning leave in his back yard. Hell hath no fury like a mouse scorned, and the flaming mouse reportedly ran back into the home igniting a blaze that destroyed the home and everything in it. However, this story of the ignited mouse has been reported to be untrue. The 81 year old man who lost everything says this story makes him smile. Wait a second guy, you just lost everything and you have no insurance, yet you are smiling that people thought a raging pissed mouse destroyed your home? I think this counts as an early sign of dementia, because it’s not normal to smile in this situation

Here’s to hoping this headline is also untrue: Turkish girl infected with bird flu after kissing infected chickens. WHAT?! Who kisses chickens? Her family says she loved the chickens and they told her not to kiss them. At 8 years old do you need to be told not to kiss the chickens? I mean, a toddler I would expect this from, but an 8 year old? And who thinks kissing chickens is a good idea? That’s so nasty.

So, the woman who was found dead in a home last week has been dead for 2 ½ years. She told her family & caregiver that she would come back to life, so the care giver put her in the bedroom, with an air conditioner blowing on her and the tv on. That’s disgusting. The caregiver was just trying to do right by the woman, but really. No one comes back to life after they die, and this is all just creepy to me that the body was just sitting in a rocking chair watching tv. This sounds like something from a movie..oh wait, because it is….PSYCHO!

Finally, a former public defender has greed to testify about what she knows concerning a former client’s involvement with the disappearance of a girl 7 years ago. You see, this client is a former client because she’s dead. The lawyer is claming “privilege” Yeah, privilege nothing. Your client is dead. It’s not like they’ll make her dead body sit in jail! Well, unless she said she was coming back to life, then they’ll sit her carcass in front of a tv with an air conditioner blowing on her.

Oh Landmark….my church made the news. Some moron hit one of the 10,000 trees that line the driveway and he and his passenger had to be cut from the vehicle. He’ll be cited for the accident, which I find odd. When kids had wrecks there in high school the cops never cited anyone because it was private property, and depending on where you are on the church grounds you’re either in Evendale, Glendale, or Woodlawn.

Then, just to trump my Landmark story I see the Bigg’s in Harrison was robbed. However, it was robbed at 7 a.m.?? Who’s up that early to grab a handful of cash from the register? I bet he didn’t even get $150. That’s foolishness. I only wish that Sarah had been there at that moment.

This is something only a Kentuckian would do..steal 2 packs of cigarettes and start a police chase with their Geo Metro. Can you even have a police chase when your car only has 3 cylinders? I mean really, the cops are just throwing you a bone as you race away at 45 mph. However, the idiot tried to flee to Ohio. Doesn’t he know cops here kill for less than that? Moron crashed his car into the Suspension Bridge, totaling the Geo and giving his passenger a spine injury. Congratulations! You’ve just won the douche bag of the week award and put your friend in critical condition..for 2 packs of cigarettes.

Oh, and I called it. I said 2 days ago that Carson Palmer would have surgery on Wednesday. Because Wednesday is the universal day for orthopedic surgeries. I wish I had placed bets…

Book Update

2006-01-08T01:50:00.000-05:00

The book has been started....like, i'm really doing this. I've decided that even if I'm not good at anything else, I will get my thoughts out and be happy. Maybe I can turn my hobby into something afterall...stay tuned

Do I Look Like a Pirate to You?

2006-01-06T02:27:00.000-05:00

Welcome to the winter of my discontent……

(and if you can’t heart this movie, you should be reading more angry girl books and defining irony)

A white man was pushed out of a window in OTR. Of course his photo was shown on the news, and of course it was a mugshot. The question as to why the only picture of victims in Cincinnati is their mugshots has been posed enough. MY question is what was a white person doing in OTR?!

The tailgates of Chevy pick up trucks are being stolen in Kentucky. I think this is a crime that gives a whole new meaning to tailgate party (b.y.o.t.g.). A census in Kentucky has shown that there is 1 pick-up truck for every 3 licensed drivers. I like that they have to define licensed drivers, because everyone knows that probably about 40% of the drivers in the state are unlicensed (and probably driving pick-up trucks). Tailgates are apparently ~ $1,000 a piece, which makes me believe there is some sort of hillbilly tailgate black market operation going on in Kentucky. I’m glad there’s a state with dumber crime than Ohio.

An anonymous 911 phone call led police to a dead body today. A dead body that had been lying in the home for possibly 3 months. Lets discuss conspiracy, shall we? You’re telling me that 2 weeks after Christmas a body that’s been lying for months is discovered by an anonymous 911 call? Did no one miss this woman? Did the neighbors not smell this woman? Then, as the day unfolded the plot thickened. It turns out this dead woman shared her home with 2 other women! WHAT?! Who lives with a dead woman in their home for 2 months. Apparently the police were called out 3 months ago on a report of a dead body in the home, but nothing was found. Although, Dr. Murray told a story once of finding an old woman’s body in a freezer. Turns out that she died and the daughter didn’t know what to do with her, so shoved her in an old freezer and continued to collect the social security checks. My favorite part was the news was like “yeah, old dead lady found in home…but remember last week..those dogs and cats..what a shame.” The world hates people but loves pets….that’s the moral here.

A 7 year old sprayed bleach into his teachers drink at Lincoln Heights Elementary. First, any place with “heights” or “hill” in the name is the ghetto. Lincoln Heights, Arlington Heights, North College Hill, Bond Hill, Price Hill..you are getting the picture. Second, since when do teachers get to drink in the classroom? And why is her drink sitting in the open for bleach sprayers to poison? Ahh, elementary ed…finger painting.

An old florida couple had a pre-nup that called for the husband to give the wife 5 minute back rubs 3 days a week, a $5 fee for nagging, and the husband was not to wake his wife on her days off of work. This only makes me wish I had a pre-nup. Apparently, the husband somehow secretly divorced his wife 2 years ago. The husband asked for a default judgement and got it, and now the wife doesn’t know she has been divorced for 2 years. Which means the husband was still getting laid, and lying to his ex-wife. There should have been a pre-nup clause for lying about divorce.

Good News Maryland!! Mooning is NOT illegal in your state.A judge in Rockville Md., ruled that mooning is not illegal after a man mooned an 8 year old after an argument at a home owners association meeting. That’s so far beyond flicking someone off and suck my back. This corporate goon (because that’s what cares about the home owner’s association) starts mooning people. Where in life (outside of junior high) is it a good idea to moon in retaliation?? Screw indecent exposure, this man should’ve been arrested for stupidity. Repeat offending jerk off I say.

Shoes....bodonkadonk

2006-01-06T01:43:00.000-05:00

yes, this is an honest posting about shoes. what is this trend with boots? who wants furry boots...with pants tucked into them?! personally, i am not a fan of boots of any kind. I don't like shoes that come above my ankles. However, if your pants are tucked into your boots..you look dumb..jessica simpson.
also, wearing boots with mini skirts or shorts or something that is not pants and shows off the bootieness of your boots. and yes, i did just say that...so love it.

pointy shoes. i think this speaks for itself. when i see pointy shoes i immediately think of the wizard of oz, when the house fell on the wicked witch of the east and her feet were pointy right before they curled up under the house. therefore i refer to them as witch shoes and cannot figure out how people can get their feet into them.

heels...i don't like heels. i hate wearing heels. i want to drive the heel through the eye of the person who invented heels. they are not comfortable and they turn women into liars. i was at a wedding once and a guest made a comment about the bride saying "she's tall..i didn't realize she was so tall". she's not turd wad, she's wearing at least 2 inch heels...she's not tall, she's a liar. i wasn't willing to sacrifice comfort to not be dwarfed by my husband on my wedding day. i had to wear heels in my brother's wedding (chris picked the shoes) and i was not comfortable. which is why i let my bridesmaids pick their own shoes, because a) i want them to be comfortable and b) who cares about feet..no one is looking at the bridesmaids or their feet.

Cincinnati Doesn't Disappoint

2005-12-29T23:58:00.000-05:00

So, in the world where reality trumps fiction, Cincinnati never ceases to satisfy me. Triple shooting AND triple homicide. in the same day!! It’s like Christmas all over again for people with guns apparently. Although, the triple shooting was in Evanston, which is not a surprise it’s just a daily occurrence. I think it should no longer be announced on the news that there was a shooting in Evanston, Over-the-Rhine, East End, West End, Walnut Hills or Price Hill. It is assumed that there was a shooting in any or all of the above places and it is no longer news. It will be news when no one is shot in any of these places.

However, triple homicides don’t occur every day in Newport, therefore this is an acceptable news story. The man called his son to say he had killed the family. He also called into work, so is that like a sick day? Mental health day perhaps? “Yeah um, I won’t be in today. I just killed my family, I think I’m going to need to burn my remaining vacation days.” However, the man also killed the family pets, I can only imagine that PETA is angry and planning a protest that this is not considered a murder to kill the family pets.

3/5 of Fernald worker complaints have been denied? Let me get this straight..people are dying of cancer, lung disease etc. and the Chernobyl of America is like “nope, you get nothing…DENIED” That’s the government for ya…..bend over and take some uranium up the anus.

Headline: “series of crashes snarls traffic on I-75”. Again…not news. All it takes to snarl traffic on 75 is more than 4 cars and some sunshine. 75 sucks end of story.

A real shock to the west side…a woman tried to start an animal shelter in her home…she was the cat lady and things got more than a little out of hand. More than 30 cats and dogs were removed from her home, and 16 live cats were found next door. However, they also found 25 dead cats and 4 dead dogs in a freezer in the house next door. It’s been said the woman just couldn’t say no to these animals. Ok, that’s one thing…but when you are saving them as food in the basement…..that’s another issue entirely. I mean, there are visuals on the internet that include random cats in cages and fecal matter everywhere inside the home. This is worse than the time my cousin told me that she baby gated her two dogs in her kitchen for 2 days..and then swiffered their pee up. I mean, at least she made the lame attempt to clean. *Note…don’t eat anything from her kitchen*

Oh..my Cincinnati home…

If I were a cartoon.....

2005-12-26T22:34:00.000-05:00

Lucy Van Pelt works hard at being bossy, crabby and selfish. She is loud and yells a lot. Her smiles and motives are rarely pure. She's a know-it-all who dispenses advice whether you want it or not--and for Charlie Brown, there's a charge. She's a fussbudget, in the true sense of the word. She's a real grouch, with only one or two soft spots, and both of them may be Schroeder, who prefers Beethoven. As she sees it, hers is the only way. The absence of logic in her arguments holds a kind of shining lunacy. When it comes to compliments, Lucy only likes receiving them. If she's paying one--or even smiling--she's probably up to something devious.

I believe that this description actually embodies all the is me. I am loud, Aaron complains that I yell a lot, anyone who has ever worked with me can tell you that my smile means that I want something, and I believe my opinion to be the only thing that is right therefore you must hear it. Otherwise you are at a risk for never knowing anything.

Grouch? Hmmmmm, I have received more Grumpy Bear, Grumpy Dwarf & Oscar toys in my life than anyone would imagine humanly possible. My brother bought Aaron the t-shirt "some mornings I wake up grumpy, other days I let her sleep"...because it's true. If there is anyone who wakes up grumpier than I do, I don't dare wish to meet them ever, for fear of my life.

The next time I compliment you....be afraid, be very afraid..(no doubt I'm lying!)

1st Awesome of Christmas!!!!

2005-12-23T13:30:00.000-05:00

1st AWESOME OF CHRISTMAS!!!

Drum roll please, my Christmas masterpiece is at the end…wipe your tears kids, because I saved the best for last: 1^st Awesome of Christmas…those oranaments!!

Ok, so I have always had the same ornaments. Christmas wouldn’t be the same without the staple ornaments: Baby’s 1^st Christmas 1981, my white bunny in a roller skate, Care Bears Merry Christmas 1983 & my Kermit the Frog/Miss Piggy Merry Christmas 1984.

However, my mom’s Christmas ornaments might trump mine. My mom was a 4 year-old Sunday school teacher at my church from 1984-2004, and she got a lot of ornaments. However, there is one that she got when I was 4 from a kid I went to school (k-12^th grade). It’s not at all Christmasy, I mean..it’s a beehive, with little felt bees on it. My mom will hang it on the tree every year and say “TJ gave me this ornament”. Then she has this ornament that is the only ornament she had as a child, and it still has fake snow crusted on it. Then there’s dad’s one ornament, that’s right..his ONE ornament. It’s a manger scene, it’s a light up glass ornament and about the size of a small plate. Apparently, it’s all about size for dad’s ornaments.

Every year when we were younger my grandma would give us ornaments. Now, my mom says it was only until we were 16, however, I know that I got ornaments up until I was 18. As previously stated, grandma is blind..and you can actually tell when she started to go blind in my ornaments..like, they get progressively uglier, until she started giving away her own Christmas ornaments. My dad would have two ornaments, but I got one as my annual ornament from grandma.

Then there’s the ornaments you have to guard from Anna May (dad’s sister, mother of Brenda, also thief of grandma), namely the “Easter Poop” & Grandma and Grandpa’s 50^th Anniversary Ornament. I’ll start with the latter. It’s an ornament that has a picture of my grandparents standing in front of our church. My dad took the picture, my mom bought the ornament, so when grandma gave away all her ornaments she gave it back to them. Anna May wants it badly, and you have to keep an eye on her when she’s standing at our Christmas tree crying over it, or she’ll steal it. Fo Sho!

Then there’s the Easter Poop, which was actually my grandma’s Easter purse in 1929. There’s actually a piece of paper in it that says “Easter purse 1929”). Well, this was my last Christmas ornament from grandma. It’s just a small basket, like..it actually looks like an ornament. Being the youngest grandchild, and since grandma had been blind since I was 10, I pretty much got whatever she pulled out of her own ornament collection for years anyways. When I opened this ornament, grandma said “It’s my Easter Purse”, and you actually heard Anna May gasp. She turned to Brenda and commented about how she had wanted that ornament. I of course heard this comment because Anna May & Brenda both have one volume, ear bleeding loud. So anyways, it is also an ornament that you have to watch when Anna May is over, or else she’ll steal. Scott and I have created this scenario that Anna May would hid this ornament in her rectum and sneak it out of the house as if it were heroin..and thus you know about one of my favorite ornaments, the Easter Poop.

2nd Awesome of Christmas

2005-12-23T13:29:00.000-05:00

2nd awesome of Christmas: that 70’s box.

My mom has this decorative box that doesn’t need to be wrapped, and I’m pretty positive that she’s been using it since about 1973. It’s like gold foil with holly berries & poinsettias all over it. Now, it’s important to understand, my parents never started wrapping presents until my brother and I went to bed on Christmas Eve. Even when I was like 16, my parents would try to shove me into bed at 10:00 so they could wrap presents. I think that’s the reason I got a computer in my room, so I would just go in my room willingly at 10. So, anyways…when I was younger, and my parents were tired of wrapping lego’s & jeans..the last sweater unwrapped got shoved into that 70’s box.

However, this box now serves a greater purpose, and no…not a picture present. This box no longer holds just any sweater. This box is now reserved for the present my mom bought for herself. Yeah, you read it right..the present she buys for herself. My mom decides that she should reward herself for not killing anyone, or maiming any children during the holidays and buys herself a gift. She then proceeds to wrap it in a very ugly box.

3rd Awesome of Christmas

2005-12-22T18:24:00.000-05:00

We’re getting down to the awesomes that are especially dear to my heart. The 3^rd awesome, a fight will break out. Not a violent fight, come on people what kind of family of animals do you think I come from?! Besides, we stopped having Christmas with mom’s family years ago. I’m talking about a paper war.

At some point, dad or Scott will throw a wrapping paper ball at me, while I am busy staring off into space. I will angrily throw a paper ball back. This all continues with much laughter until some moron (usually dad) hits mom….usually in the face. Mom will then stomp off, yelling about how none of us knows how to behave, we’re all a bunch of animals, she’s going to start feeding us from bowls on the front porch & she’s tired of the crap.

4th Awesome of Christmas

2005-12-21T21:07:00.000-05:00

4th awesome of Christmas: Snooping Snoopy! My mom is the biggest snooper ever! (and she loves snoopy). She ALWAYS knows what my dad has gotten her well before Christmas, like to the point that I’m surprised my dad even buys her things. Mom’s snoopy radar is especially alert when it comes to jewelry.

When my parents had been married 25 years my mom whined and whine from April on about how much she wanted an anniversary ring. My dad finally caved in and bought her one for Christmas. So, on Christmas day mom is very excited, right? Well, Scott & I were playing a computer hockey game he had gotten (I heart those EA sports) and we hear dad yell “WHAT WERE YOU DOING IN THE TRUNK OF MY CAR?!” and then mom cackles that evil laugh. Mom just “happened” to take dad’s car the day after he bought the ring and it was hidden in the trunk. By hidden..i mean it was hidden where the spare tire is…mom had to actually SEARCH for it. This qualifies her for the snoopy mcsnoop snoop award of all time. Except that time Scott found the Nintendo hidden in mom’s sewing cabinet in the basement….but he gets that stuff from mom.

It’s to the point that for their 32nd wedding anniversary Dad just took her to Helzberg and told her to pick out the ring she wanted. There’s no sense in trying to hide it from her, she’ll just search through the trash till she finds it.

5th Awesome of Christmas

2005-12-20T20:15:00.000-05:00

5^th Awesome of Christmas: STOCKING STUFFERS!!!!

I can tell you that every year I will get 1 pair of panty hose, a Clinque eye shadow due in bronze satin/ivory bisque, a milky way nutcracker & a can of smoked almonds in my stocking. Scott will get 1 pair of dress socks, along with his own milky way nutcracker & can of almonds. Dad will get whoppers & cashews instead of a milky way and almonds.

These are not the only items in our stockings, however they are stocking staples. As a matter of fact, I have considered asking my mom to forgo the eyeshadow this year because I still have 2 in the bathroom drawer that I haven’t opened. Plus, I just threw one away last week, not because it was empty but because I felt that it was old. Cosmo would be so proud of me throwing away my old make-up, with their crazy rules about throw it out after 3 months…do they realize how expensive that crap is!?! I can only afford it because someone else buys it for me!!!

Each year my mom buys more items than will fit in the stockings, or she just flat out buys “stocking stuffers” that don’t have an ice cubes chance of fitting into the stocking. My parents have quite a large mantel, and there will be 20 boxes, without nametags just piled all over the mantel. Whoever is playing Santa for that moment is stuck standing there like “MOM! Who gets this?!” It’s like mom knows who gets what by the wrapping paper, even though the wrapping paper is all holly berries and waving santa’s..i can’t see any difference. For the love of all that is holy…just put a name tag on it!!!!

6th Awesome of Christmas

2005-12-19T16:39:00.000-05:00

6th Awesome of Christmas

6^th Awesome of Christmas: random wrapped boxes. My mom will shove a present in any box. It doesn’t matter where the box came from, if the gift fits my mom is using it.

One year she bought my dad a new winter coat to wear to work, but she didn’t have a box in which the coat would fit. So, my mom rummaged around and found a Clorox box from Sam’s. She shove that coat down into this box, and for dad’s picture present it looked like dad got some bleach.

My mom’s personal favorite is to wrap the Elder-Beerman boxes that are probably 15 years old. They have to be taped together or else they fall apart when you try to wrap them. It’s the worst thing ever, because my mom is the goddess of scotch tape, therefore not only does she tape the corners up..she tapes the lids on. It takes a good 5 minutes to unwrap the dumb things..and then the box pretty much dissolves in your hand.

Another Mommy favorite is to wrap dad & Scott’s presents in Petite Sophisticate boxes. Then when she takes pictures it looks like they wear women’s clothes. Yeah, my family rules.

7th Awesome of Christmas

2005-12-18T23:44:00.000-05:00

what a treat..the 7th awesome is also not meijer related. all i have to say for this awesome is 2 words: picture presents.

every year there is one gift for each person under the tree that my mom is particularly proud of purchasing. it's the one gift she is absolutely positive that you will enjoy, although it's not usually something you actually asked for, it's usually pretty frickin' sweet. now, you know when you have picked this present because mom drops whatever she is pretending to like and yells "hang on a second!" and goes running for the camera. it's become quite a joke in the family, as one person touches the golden ticket of presents and mom grabs the camera, someone else will yell "awwww yeah!". we have pictures of people opening coats, mine are usually the yearly hippo (i heart the hippos...more than i heart the superficial), stereos...all random stuff. regardless of whether or not this present is favorite of the year or not, i always love how excited mom gets about the picture presents, therefore i heart this moment.

8th Awesome of Christmas

2005-12-18T23:42:00.000-05:00

the 8th awesome of christmas has nothing to do with meijer..yay! everyone clap, but don't get the clap..because that will NOT make this list, considering there is nothing awesome about that. anyways...here it is: Grandma gives cash.

why this is awesome actually has NOTHING to do with cash. it has to do with the fact that grandma is 86 years old and has been blind for the last 14 years or so. she's not shopping anywhere, because she's too feisty to put up with mallrats and there would be a purse-swinging hate crime fo sho! that and she can't walk more than 50 feet without needing a rest (God bless her heart, she even splurged for the deluxe walker with the built in seat)..thus she hands out the kiz-ash.

cash is dispersed in a hierarchical manner. (3) kids & their spouses receive one amount,(7) grandkids & their spouses receive a lesser amount and finally (10) great-grandchildren receive an even lesser amount. I'll be honest, it's not a HUGE amount of money, but it's also a decent amount that we grand & great-grand kids are receiving...so great-grandkids should shut their pie-holes and be lucky they have a great-grandma who is so fabulous!

here is where the cash gets key, so pay close attention or you won't get the awesome and if i have to explain it i'm going to commit a hate crime of my own. there are only 2 grand-daughters: Brenda (oldest grandchild, Jabba the Hut stunt double, societal shame & thief of grandma's money) and myself (youngest grandchild, Olive Oil stunt double, 8th wonder of the world & not robbing my grandma blind after having filed for bankruptcy). Brenda is like 42 and her oldest (illegitimate) child is only 8 days younger than myself. so, brenda somehow discovered that my husband was receiving more christmas money from dear, sweet grandma than her spawn because aaron is a grandchild & her minions are only great-grandchildren. so, brenda breaches this subject with my grandma who replies "aaron is a grandchild, jess & daniel are great-grandchildren. if you think they should have more money, maybe you should tell their grandmother to give it to them." i heart grandma & all things that annoy brenda. however..brenda learned to rob grandma from her mom...so in essence, if their grandmother DID give them more money, it would only be coming from my grandma's pocket anyways.

9th Awesome of Christmas

2005-12-18T23:41:00.000-05:00

the next (former- i promise they are not all related to meijer) awesome: kicking people out of the store. Christmas eve was the only time i ever

enjoyed not only being there, but being there at night. Because at 6:30, you could start trying to herd people like cattle toward the check-outsat 7 you could just flat out tell them to leave. It was the one time I could be myself and not have a chance of getting fired, as if meijer wasever going to fire me..but whateva.

i distinctly remember one year this guy refused to leave, we literally had to threaten to call the police. this guy was like "i aint leavin' cause i don't celebrate christmas and i need stuff". now, i'm guessing by i don't celebrate christmas he meant i celebrate kwanza if that gives you an idea of what was going on. this guy was trying to wreck havoc on our easy-listening parade!! we were furious. i mean, they don't turn that junky santa baby off until all the "guests" leave. and honestly..calling them guests..a guest is someone i would have to my house. a person who throws old coupons all over the place, leaves their trash all over the shelves and climbs on things is NOT someone i would have to my house..therefore, the word "guest" was being used a little too liberally for me.

my last christmas at meijer was beautiful. the acting store manager wouldn't make the announcement that the store was closing, and i was annoyed
because there was a mob of people coming in the door and it was like 6:45. so, as he walks by i say "are you going to announce that we are closing?" and he is like "why? they'll leave.." Appalled I say "you have worked here longer than i have been alive, now you KNOW they aren't going to leave unless you tell them to go." to spite me he replies "then you make the announcement". And I did....and it was magical. i put my friendly voice on and announced that we would be closing at 7. then, i began the countdown till i could be rude. the night i was permitted to say "you need to leave, because i have a family and i don't like you" was the most beautiful night of my life...memories, le sigh.

oh..and i don't promise multiple postings a day every day..so don't get used to it..just savor the moments

10th Awesome of Christmas

2005-12-18T23:40:00.000-05:00

The 10th Awesome of Christmas

this used to be an awesome, but since i haven't had a Christmas in 7 years without this feeling i'm using it anyways so just enjoy it.

being at meijer when that horrible Christmas music finally stops.

there's something about hearing 14 different versions of white christmas intersperesed with santa claus (satan claus) is coming to town, santa baby, some song about frosted windowpanes & some other song about wanting to wash your hands and face in snow, that makes a person HATE christmas music.

then there's the added annoyance of being yelled at because all of the christian christmas songs (silent night, away in a manger, oh holy night etc) are music only, no words. yes, liberals & their political correctness have managed to even ruin christmas. so people yell at me as if it's my fault fred meijer is a stingy, God-hating scrooge?! look pal, my christmas bonus consists of a family picture of fred & the boys and a $5 coupon for a ham..i know the man is a scrooge, i don't need you to inform me.

when the christmas music finally stopped and we were back to our easy listening tunes my cosmic balance was realigned. i grabbed my clearance gun and orange stickered the crap out of those cheesy gift sets while i rocked out to toad the wet sprocket. it was the highlight of the retail season.

although, they have added auld lang syne this year it would STILL not make working there a wonderful life.